This is Not The End
by workstudywrite
Summary: This story began as a post 11x08 one-shot and has evolved into a story that carries Meredith and Derek through life leading up to and beyond Derek's tragic car accident. They've built a family, a home, and a support system; they've built a life. Will that all come tumbling down after the accident? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or plots developed by Shonda Rhimes or any other writers in this big wide world.**

**Author's Note: Much like the fic I posted earlier, I have yet to decide whether this will remain a One-Shot or be further developed into a full-fledged story, that will depend on whether I can think of what to write next! Positive reviews as well as constructive criticism are greatly appreciated. I know that many people have different interpretations of these characters, if there is anything major you would like to point out, don't hesitate! Please, read, review, and with any luck enjoy. :)**

As I took Zola and Bailey from their car seats, grabbed all of our bags and made the short trek from the car to the front door with Bailey in my arms and Zola at my side, I was struck with a feeling of uncertainty. What would I see when I opened the front door? Would there be suitcases by the door waiting for their cross-country trip? Or would they already be at the airport?

We shuffled into the house, and Zola ran to what she had pegged the 'tea party table' as I set our bags by the door, took off Bailey's coat and shoes, and let him run toward his sister. Not once did I glance around to see if Derek was anywhere in sight, but I knew, from the lack of shrieking coming from my tired 4 year-old that he wasn't in the immediate vicinity. I heard Zola giggle and turned toward her to see both of the kids involved in a serious game of 'Ring Around the Rosy' that had them in full-belly laughs as their tiny bottoms collided with the plush rug of the play area. A smile made its way onto my face as I took in the scene and sighed, knowing it was time for baths and bed, but they were so happy in this moment. I knew that the nights to come wouldn't bring nearly as much joy with them, and I wanted Zola and Bailey to savor every second of this one.

After loading the dishwasher, folding a load of laundry that had without a doubt been sitting in the laundry room for at least a couple days, and listening to the kids play, I couldn't put it off any longer.

"All right Zo it's bath time," I cheered, attempting to mask the exhaustion from the day.

She turned toward me with a pout and whined, "But, Mama, I not even dirty, my toes not stinky."

"Well they will be in the morning," I said with a roll of my eyes as I scooped up Bailey and grabbed her hand. "Come on sweetie. You can help me pick out pajamas for you AND your brother, OK?"

She perked up at this up and nearly shouted, "Bailey gotsta wear the dino' jammies Mama, and I can wear da pincess ones, I always da pincess."

"Yes you are," I laughed, she definitely inherited her father's ego. I watched as she bolted down the hall and toward her door before smiling down at the little boy in my arms as I followed after her, "Come on Monkey, let's go get you and Miss Crazy Pants in the tub."

With his hands on both sides of my face and two light smacks came a "Dinos!" from the little guy and off we went.

MDZBMDZBMZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBM

From the moment we had returned home, I knew Derek was here, his sent lingered and didn't leave during the hour I had been here. He had stayed cooped up in our room for most of the night, only coming out for a brief moment after the kids' bath to read them their favorite bedtime story, 'Click Clack Moo Cows that Type', and kiss them goodnight before heading back.

I hadn't been in there yet and I was nervous for what I would find when I did. Would his clothes be emptied from the closet and folded neatly into suitcases? Would his books have disappeared from the bedside table? He hadn't said a word to me since I told him to go to D.C., and as much as it pains me to tell him to leave our family behind, to leave me behind, and go after his dream job on the other side of the country, I know he needs it. Part of me had this glimmer of hope that he would fight me when I told him to go, that he would prove to me that our family was more important than his career, but that's more of a fairy-tale thing and those are not my strong suit.

Before I knew it, I had been standing in front of our bedroom door for 5 minutes thinking about what I would find if I went in. Finally, I ripped off the band aid, 'no anesthesia', as Derek would say, and opened the door. My breath hitched in my throat as I took in my surroundings and I leaned against the door frame for support.

The closet doors were open and half of the closet empty, and as I looked over to my left, there he was, sitting on the edge of my side of the bed and staring off into space. I took a deep breath and with a crackly voice said, "This isn't how we end, is it? After everything we've been through, this… this can't be how we end," I could feel the tears building behind my eyes and as his head turned, our eyes met, his were laced with tears too. He shook his head, opened his mouth and closed it again before placing his elbows on his knees and holding his head between his hands. Slowly, I pushed myself from the door jam and sat next to him on the bed.

"Meredith, I… I can't not now, please, I don't have any fight left in me," his body sagged into every word that fell from his mouth, and for the first time in weeks, I saw the toll this has taken on him.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a split second before saying, "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry that you feel like you haven't had my support, and I know I haven't been so gracious in handing it out, but Derek, you never asked my opinion about any of this. You just made all of these decisions and expected me to go along with them. I'm not trying to start a fight, trust me that is the last thing I want. This is why I never asked you to stay, and this is why I'm telling you to leave, as much as I hate the thought of living on opposite ends of the country, I know you need this. I know that if you never try to make it work, you will always resent me, and the kids for keeping you from such an amazing opportunity. Coming home has to be your choice, I can only hope that you realize you can't live without us and come crawling back," I ended with a slight laugh that came out as more of a strangled sob.

I watched as the tension uncoiled from his back and he relaxed slightly into the bed, before dropping one hand and propping his cheek on the other as he looked me in the eye. A slight smile graced his face and he let out a chuckle, before he sat up straight, wrapping one arm around me and placed one hand on my thigh, pulling me close and pressing his cheek against my head. As I circled my arms around his waist giving him a small squeeze he whispered, "I'm sorry I've been an ass lately, I've been having a hard time and I shouldn't have taken it out on you as much as I did. I love you Meredith."

"I know; I love you too Derek. I'm still pissed off, you realize that, right?"

He laughs louder this time, "Oh, I know; never doubted it for a second."

We sat wrapped up in each other, physically and emotionally, until he took a deep breath, no doubt breathing in the smell of my lavender conditioner, kissed the top of my head and looked at me before stating, "We should get some sleep."

Ten minutes later, we were in bed, side by side. Knowing this would be our last night in the same bed together for who knows how long, I wanted nothing more than to curl into his arms the way I had for years. Derek must have had the same thought, because moments after the thought crossed my mind, he rolled onto his side, moved closer, and pulled me toward his chest. My breath caught in my throat at the simple, once so usual action before I cuddled into his warmth.

"Meredith," I felt his breath on the back of my neck even before I heard his soft, sleep-filled voice. "We will never end," and with that short sentence, I knew that eventually we would be alright. It may take a lot of talking, listening, phone calls, and Skype sessions, but one day, we will be OK. We've been through so much together, and this will not be the end of us.

** Positive reviews as well as constructive criticism are greatly appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or plots developed by Shonda Rhimes or any other writers in this big wide world.**

**Author's Note: I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to think of anything to keep this story going, but it just kind of happened. So here it is, chapter 2. Thank you to those who have reviewed, I really appreciate the kind words, and am right with you in being nervous about the future of MerDer. Though I don't believe they will get a divorce, I do believe the rest of Season 11 will be rocky. :/ Please, read, review, hopefully enjoy!**

_Family is no longer defined as a married couple that lives in the same house, with children of their own. America is a widely diverse country. It is a melting pot of people with many different beliefs, backgrounds, and cultures. Families now consist of single parent households, adopted children, step children, two moms, two dads, or parents who love each other but aren't necessarily living together. Each of these variations of family bring with them their own hard times. One family dynamic is not better than another, and one is not worse. It depends on the character of the people in the family, not the way a family is composed_

It had been two days since the night Meredith had told me to go to D.C. Two days spent with the three people I loved most in this world. Two days of waking up next to my wife, making pancakes while she brewed the coffee (the one and only 'food group' she couldn't ruin), waking the kids up and eating breakfast as a family. Two days of trips to the park and the zoo, where Zola and Bailey each got to pick out a new animal friend, a giraffe for Zo-Zo and a monkey for Bailey who were later named Gi-Gi and Me. Two days of bliss. Two days that felt like two seconds.

"Daddy, why you leavin'? Was I bad?" I turned from the dresser full of tiny, colorful clothes to the innocent little girl, eyes still clouded with sleep and now tears, swinging her feet from her perch on her toddler bed. Sighing, I made my way over to her, a gray dress with purple polka dots and purple tights in hand, and sat next to her before scooping her into my arms.

"Oh Zo-Zo you weren't bad sweetie. Daddy just has to go away for work for a little while," she wrapped her arms around my neck and I pulled her flat against my chest. With each tiny tear that fell against my shoulder, my hurt strings pulled tighter. "I love you so much princess," I whispered softly into her ear, "and I promise that we'll talk all the time."

"On da 'puter or da phone?" came the tiny voice full of tears, "'Cause on da 'puter I see you but on da phone I just hear you," as she finished her sentence, her breath shuddered the slightest bit.

"How about we do both, huh?" I asked as I began to rock her back and forth slowly.

"Pinky Promise?" she asked.

"Pinky Promise," I watched as her tiny finger wrapped around my larger one before closing my eyes for just a second. I wanted to freeze that moment, make it last forever, but I knew that I had to leave soon to make my flight, so I released her finger and tickled her belly lightly. She let out a loud giggle that sounded amazingly similar to her mothers and with that I said, "Alright Princess, let's get you dressed!"

MDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZB

Five minutes and a few laughable struggles later, Zola and I were walking hand-in-hand into the living room, where we found Meredith and Bailey playing with a few of his hundreds of cars on the couch.

"There you are! I thought I was going to have to send out a search party, what took so long?" came Meredith's voice as she laughed, half at her own joke and half at Bailey's face as he dropped his car off the back of the couch. God, I thought to myself, I'm going to miss them so much.

"We had a last minute business deal to make, right Miss Zola," I said, puffing out my chest and lowering my voice an octave as I turned my attention back to her.

A smile spread across her face and she too attempted to puff out her chest and lower her voice, "Right Mr. Daddy!" We stood facing each other, our noses scrunched, chests puffed and hands at our hips, before I gave her a low growl and swept her up, flipping her over my shoulder, and moving around the couch, as Meredith gazed toward us with a smile on her face and Bailey remained entranced with his recently-rescued car. I grabbed a package from the coffee table, and sat next to Meredith and Bailey, flipping Zola over and into my lap. She landed with a plop and a giggle. Meredith grabbed Bailey and his car, with a small smile gracing her face, and cuddled him into her lap as well. Zola eyed the package I had settled into her lap and giggled loudly, "Daddy is it a present?"

Once the word 'present' left her mouth, Bailey perked up and repeated, "Peasant?!"

I chuckled slightly and replied, "It is and it's for you and Bailey, can you two open it together?" I watched as Zola lovingly guided her baby brother's smaller hands over the present and helped him tear it open. She looked up at me, confusion flooding her wide brown eyes, as she held the book their hands.

"But Daddy, we already gots da Moo book," her sweet voice reminded me.

"I know you do sweetie, but this one is special," I took the book, opened it in between the kids and pointed to a small red button on the first page with a tiny white speaker stamped on it, "see this little button? Click it." Meredith and I watched closely as Zola's tiny finger pushed down on the button, her mouth widened, and Bailey stared as, "Click Clack Moo Cows That Type," flowed from the speaker in the book in their Daddy's voice.

Bailey took his chubby little fingers and grabbed the book with one hand and my leg with the other, "Dadda!" he yelled.

"Daddy," Zola shrieked in delight, "You in da book!"

To my right, Meredith giggled softly, "He is princess," she cooed as she ran her fingers through Bailey's blond hair. A moment later, I watched as her eyes drifted to her phone's screen before her face fell and she said in a barely audible voice, "You should probably get going, you don't want to miss your flight."

For a little longer than a second, I stared in to her eyes in an attempt to convey just how much I was dreading this plane ride, then I glanced toward my watch and nodded, "You're right. OK princess give Daddy on last big hug." Zola shoved the book closer to her brother and turned around, throwing herself against me full force.

"I wub you Daddy," came her tiny whisper.

"I love you too Zola. Be good for Mommy OK, and help out with your brother. I'll see you soon, I promise," in a matter of seconds a knot had formed in my throat and tears built up behind my eyes. I let her go and reached to lift Bailey into the air, as she climbing into Meredith's lap, curled into a ball, and twirled a trand o her hair between he fingers.

"And you, Monkey! You be good for Mommy too, don't keep her awake too much at night OK?" I held him close and kissed the top of his head, as he giggled loudly.

Meredith moved closer to me and relaxed against me for a moment before squeezing Zola one more time and setting her on her feet in front of the couch, "Why don't you take your brother to the tea party table and show him how to play your fishy game, OK?" Zola perked up and smiled as I set Bailey down beside her and he toddled after her.

I could feel Meredith's eyes on me as I moved from the couch to the door to put my coat and shoes on. I knew she was upset, that this would be difficult for her, hell, it was difficult for me and I was the one leaving. As much as I know I need to go to D.C. and try to make this situation work, figure out what it is I want, and who I am, the one thing I know for certain is that leaving my family behind is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Hurting Meredith has never been something I've tried to do, but is something that has happened more times than I would like to remember.

I barely hear her soft footsteps as she inches closer. Her breathing is becoming more and more labored as she tries to keep herself from crying, and as I turn around, I see the first tears run down her cheeks. She's quick to wipe them away, but they're only followed by more. Giving her a sad smile, I lean down and circle my arms tightly around her shoulders, before rubbing my hands up and down her back. In the distance, I can hear the horn of the cab waiting to take me away from my family, and I know it's over now.

"I love you so much Meredith," I whispered as she began to slow her breathing, most likely for the kids' sake, and maybe even mine.

"I love you too," she replied as she pulled away slightly, wiped her eyes one final time and kissed me, "text me when you land." I nodded slightly before sending yet another sad smile her way with a tilt of my head and returned her kiss. With one last squeeze and one last glance to the kids, still happily playing with the fishies, I grabbed my bags and walked out the door.

As I sat in the cab travelling toward work and away from my family, I began checking emails, playing solitaire, and anything else that would distract me from the reality of the situation, because as much as I loved my work, I missed my family already. Suddenly, I found myself hovering over Meredith's name in my phone and knew I needed to text her something, anything, so I did, "I love you, this isn't the end, I promise. XO"

_Family is more than being physically close to someone, it's more than what the person looks like or acts like. It's more than their gender, race, or beliefs. It's about that feeling you get. The way your heart skips a beat at the sound of their laugh, or nearly stops when you know they're in pain. It's about being able to trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets and flaws, knowing that they are committed to you and you are committed to them, forever. It isn't about the physicality of it all, it's about the emotion, it's about love._

**Reviews both positive and constructive are very much appreciated, and would help in improving my writing! I don't have a huge overall goal for this story, I'm just taking it one chapter at a time as of now. Though, I hope you stick with me as I develop this story and my writing. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, if I did, I probably wouldn't still be using a laptop from 2002 that doesn't hold a charge.**

**Authors Note: Now that I have officially decided where the ending point of this fic will be. I'm planning on shooting for publishing a chapter a week probably on Thursdays, however that's pretty dependent on my schedule. This chapter is the longest of the three so far, but brace yourselves.**

** Please! Read and review!**

_Marriages hold a staggering 50% probability of failing, meaning that 5 out of every 10 couples will end in divorce. This hasn't always been the case, in fact, it was only in the last couple decades that the percentage began to increase substantially. Many different factors contribute to this dramatic increase, including different generations and development of morals. However, it seems as if the largest factor has been changes in women. This seems like a broad statement, but hear me out. For centuries most women were housewives, they cooked meals, cleaned, and cared for the children, while their husbands worked long hours to support their families. As time progressed, more and more women began to realize that they deserved the opportunity to accomplish just as much, if not more than ,men. They realized they wanted to be the doctors, the lawyers, and the police officers. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom is a job in itself, one of the most challenging in the world, but not everyone strives for a family. The ego of a man is a sensitive thing, for some more than others, and once women started taking on some of the responsibility of supporting the family financially, some men didn't respond well. This is what ultimately lead to the divorce of many couples, because the men had a hard time accepting the fact that their wives would be working too, and women didn't want to be held back by their husbands just because he was afraid of competition._

It's been a week since Derek left for D.C. and he isn't scheduled to visit for another two weeks. Bailey and Zola have listened to Click Clack Moo Cows That Type so many times that I'm starting to hate Derek for bringing it into the house. I'm not saying it wasn't a nice gesture, but seriously? I can recite the frickin' book from memory by now. I knew I would miss him, I knew we would all miss him, but I didn't plan on missing him this much. Sure, we've talked on Skype nearly every day and when we can't do that we at least get a phone call, but I've found myself wanting to talk to him about the most random things, like the kid that came into the ER looking like a pin cushion because he and his brother decided it would be a good idea for on of them to stand in front of the dart board while the other tried to get a point around him and how we are never, ever buying a dart board. I've been wondering, did I ever want to tell him this much when he was here, did we actually talk that much? You know the saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone?" I knew what I had, the problem was, I never thought I would lose Derek.

Bailey banged his sippy-cup against the counter from his perch in his cereal-covered highchair, shaking me from my daydream. I smiled and scrunched my nose at him then finished filling Zola's Cheerios with milk, grabbed our bowls, and moved around the island.

"Come on Zo, it's time for breakfast," I placed our bowls at the counter and watched as she ran from her tea party table to the kitchen, her tiara still snug on her head, "Do you want help up, Princess?"

Zola shook her head and with a slight roll of her eyes replied, "Mama, I a big girl, I don't need no help!" I laughed slightly to myself as she climbed up the chair and sat on her knees in front of her bowl, as I took my place between her and Bailey. By some kind of miracle, we ate quietly for a few minutes, only the sounds of Zola slurping her cereal, and Bailey smacking his slimy little hands all over his Cheerios-covered tray. The peacefulness was interrupted by the ringing of my cell and Zola asked, "Dat Daddy?" with a mouth full of cereal. I looked at the screen and saw a familiar smiling face, and replied, "Not this time Princess," before answering, "Hey Cristina, haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, well you know how it is, changing the future of medicine, it's tiring," she replied in her infamously sarcastic voice.

I laughed and retorted, "No, I can't say I do, maybe you should call Derek and you two can talk about the detrimental effects of being medical superheroes," meeting her sarcastic tone.

"That's right, he's off in D.C. now, when's he coming back?"

I could hear her shuffling papers around, no doubt still at work, "Not for a couple weeks yet, and even then he can only stay for three days," I replied as I reached to catch Bailey's sippy-cup before it fell to the floor and kissed the top of his head.

"Well at least he's coming home, right? How are the munchkins?"

"Yeah, sure. They're good, they miss him, but they're good. Let's not talk about the whole Derek thing right now, what have you been up?" I asked, dying to talk about something else for a change. Bailey started whining, finished with his breakfast and anxious to play. As Cristina began to tell me about her project and the renewed "on-call room (or closest possible secluded area) dates" with Ross, I brought the dishes around to the sink, grabbed a wash cloth, wiped off Bailey's hands and face, and plucked him from his highchair before setting him on his feet to run off and play with Zola, who had gone to play moments after Cristina called.

"I thought the thing with Ross was a fluke, why are you back at it?" I asked, waiting patiently for an explanation, as I wiped down the counter and high chair before placing the dishes in the dishwasher.

"It was, or it was supposed to be. A girl has needs Mer."

"Don't I know it," I muttered, "I should get going, I have to get the kids ready and head to work."

"Ok, talk to you soon, smack McDreamy for me, will you?"

"For you, Anything," I laughed before finishing, "Bye Cris."

Shoving my phone in my back pocket, I made my way toward the kids, "Come on Munchkins, let's go get your shoes on," I said as I attempted to heard them toward the door.

MDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZB

An 80 car pileup on the largest freeway in Seattle, though it brought in all the internal injuries, from seat-belts and steering wheels, a general surgeon could hope for, made it an incredibly exhausting day, which was only intensified by having to take care of two small, amazingly energetic kids alone. Amelia wouldn't be able to make it home tonight seeing as she was the on-call neurosurgeon and getting the kids in their pajamas and into their own beds felt nearly impossible, but was made a little easier after a Skype session with Derek. He read them their favorite book, using the copy he had taken after replacing it with the voice-recorded copy, and promised them he would take them to the zoo to see the penguins if they were good until he got home. As we said goodbye, and I gave them baths, put their pajamas on and brushed their hair and teeth, the sadness of Derek leaving was replaced once again with anger towards him. Even as Zola and Bailey begged to hear their book, as his soft, soothing voice flowed out of the speaker, instead of settling me down, along with the kids, it only intensified my anger.

I finished tucking the kids into bed and went to get ready myself. Walking into the room and toward my dresser to grab pajamas, I couldn't help but stop and glance at the open closet that was half empty. Angry tears welled in my eyes as I continued to the dresser, ripped open the drawers, grabbed the first items my hands collided with, and slammed the drawers shut. I changed into my pajamas, not bothering to take off my makeup, and crawled into bed. Somehow I had never noticed exactly how big it was. When furnishing the house, Derek and I decided we wanted a bed big enough to fit us, Zola, and any other kids we might have. Not for a second, did I think I would one day be living in this house, putting our kids to bed, and sleeping in our bed without him every night.

I tossed and turned for what seemed like forever, the anger never leaving, not even for a moment. It wasn't supposed to be like this, we never had it in our plans to be living on opposite ends of the country. I had never expected to have to raise our kids alone. It had only been a week and already I was so tired I felt as though I could sleep for years. With barely any thought at all, I reached over and snatched my cell from the night stand, unlocking it and hitting speed-dial 1. I must have woken him up because he answered with a gruff, "Hello?"

All of a sudden I couldn't think of what exactly I wanted to say, all I knew was that I wanted to yell.

"Meredith, is that you? Is everything OK?" as his concerned voice filled my ear my breath hitched.

"Why did you leave?" I asked sharply.

"Meredith, it's late, I don't want to have this fight right now," his voice came through laced with sleep and desperation.

"No! Don't try to do that; don't try to put this off! We already had a breather, I was sad that you were gone and I was ignoring the fact that you chose to leave. All I was thinking about was that you weren't going to be here and how much it would suck. Now I'm over that, so completely over that. I don't have the ability to be anything more than pissed off at you right now! Tell me, why did you leave?" my voice began to pick up in speed and in ferocity as I whipped the covers off and paced around the room, "When I told you to go, you shouldn't have left! You should have stayed and fought me, told me I was wrong. You should have fought for your family and you didn't. Why would you do this?!"

He took a deep breath and I heard him groan in frustration, "You made me feel like I had to stay in Seattle in order to keep my family and then you told me to leave! I get to be a little ambivalent here; it's a huge, life-changing opportunity Meredith! You told me to leave and I listened! I thought that was what you wanted! You said you knew that I was unhappy giving up this job, and you accused me of bringing everyone down with me! I didn't have a choice. You shoved me in a corner and gave me no room to breathe. Excuse me for thinking for one moment that my wife would ask me to do something for the benefit of our family!"

"I didn't want this! I never asked for any of this! I never asked you to turn down the position, hell I gave a presentation for you when you were sick in a hospital bed, as much as I know you think I don't support you, I do! I have and do you know what that's gotten me? Do you know who this has turned me into? My mother," I took a deep breath, angrier than before I had called and I knew I had to end it," I drove the father of my children away just like my mother did to my father! I drove you away from me, just like she did with Richard! I am just like her in every way I never wanted to be, I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be able to do the marriage and babies thing AND be a surgeon! This job destroyed what we had!"

I hit end, threw my phone on to the bed and walked toward the kitchen. If there was one thing that always calmed me down, it was good 'ole Jose and he was sounding pretty damn god right about now.

**Read, Review, and Enjoy. (3 more days!)**

**Thank you to those of you who have reviewed, I appreciate your feedback more than you know! **

**What are you looking forward to in Thursdays episode and the others to come. Are you nervous? Excited? Everything. Because I don't know about you but it's attack of the feels over here.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, if I did I would probably be able to come up with something funny to say, but I can't, so I don't.**

**Author's Note: I struggled writing this chapter, I started and stopped at least four times, and was afraid I wouldn't be able to post by today, but thanks to this wonderful snow day, I have! This isn't my favorite so far and I'm a little unsure about it, but here goes. Please! Read, review, and hopefully enjoy!**

_Love and hate go hand in hand. Hating someone is nearly impossible without loving someone else. When someone is a victim of rape, their family hates the rapist because they love the victim, but that's the kind of hate that goes away after a while, because the person you love grows and moves on. On the other hand, when husband and wife find themselves hating each other, the hate is out of love. They hate that the other doesn't spend enough time at home, or spends too much time drinking with friends. They hate because they have such an intense love for their spouse that they don't want to see them hurt, and they don't want them to make mistakes they'll regret. This is the kind of hatred that is always there under the surface, but is smothered in love until an incident occurs and love and hate are on the same playing field._

Never ending, that was how the day had felt. I was distracted all throughout the day, all I could think about was the conversation, if you could even call it that, Meredith and I had this morning. It felt as though I had been in a car accident and now had a severe case of whip lash. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around how exactly she had gone from being so understanding to completely and utterly angry. There was a level of hatred in her voice this morning that I had never heard directed at me before, and it terrified me. What if I was wrong, what if this was the end?

When she compared herself to her mother, my stomach hit the floor and my heart ached, as I remembered our conversation just a few weeks ago. I told her she sounded just like her mother, I shouldn't have said that, I realized that now, and I also realized exactly how much Meredith needed to be reminded that she is nothing like her mother. She may have inherited her drive, passion for medicine, and maybe even Alzheimer's however she did not inherit her terrible mothering skills. Meredith is a wonderful mother; she cares for our kids so much better than I ever could have hoped.

I made my way into my apartment complex, said hello to the doorman, Stew, and walked in to the elevator, before hitting the number four on the panel and slouching against the far wall. It was odd to think that I wouldn't be greeted by Zola crashing into my legs and Bailey toddling as fast as his little legs could carry him in an attempt to do the same. I went home every day to a place my family had never been, or even seen pictures of. This apartment wasn't home, if it were, there would be little shoes and coats by the door, toys scattered about like a tornado had swept through, and Curious George playing on the TV. As I walked from the elevator to my door, I knew there was no possibility of any of it. The living area was empty, all lights were off, and it was nearly eerily quiet.

Sighing loudly, I set my briefcase on the floor adjacent to the door and my coat on the hook above it before turning toward the kitchen area and heading to the fridge to scrounge for dinner. It was nearly bare, with only lettuce, leftover pizza, salad dressing, cheese, a tomato and beer, so I decided to throw together a salad and save the pizza for later. I took a seat on the couch, salad and beer in hand and flipped on the TV. Moments later, I heard ringing coming from my open laptop on the kitchen counter. I smiled to myself when I saw it was a Skype call from Meredith, I grabbed the laptop and moved back to the couch with it before clicking accept. Within seconds Zola and Bailey appeared on my screen accompanied by Amy.

"Hey!" I said as I felt my smile grow wider and wider.

"Daddy!" came Zola's giggly voice, as she bounced up and down sporting a princess dress and sparkly crown.

"Did you have a good day, Princess?" I asked as I shifted slightly to mute the news.

"Yeah! 'Phia and I played dollies and Mommy came to play wit us and e'rything!" excitement filled her voice making me miss her even more. I continued talking to Zola, Bailey, and Amy for about an hour before I heard Meredith's voice in the background telling them it was time to get ready for bed. As I said goodbye to the kids, I could see her cleaning up the playroom and hear her talking quietly to Amy as she helped. Moments later, Amy was taking the kids down the hall and Meredith was rounding the couch to take a seat in front of her laptop.

Her voice was soft as she twisted her watch around her wrist and said, "Hey."

"Hey," I replied hesitantly with a slight smile on my face as I tilted my head.

"Amelia said she would put the kids to bed, or well, she forced me to let her," she said bitterly with a laugh then continued, "Look, Derek, I'm sorry for last night, this morning, whatever. I know it caught you off guard and I never should have called just to yell so, I'm sorry."

"Meredith, I'm glad you called me. I want you to talk to me; I need to know how you feel," I replied softly, and quite honestly a little desperately.

For the first time, she looked me in the eye, opening her mouth to say something else but closing it quickly, prior to bouncing her leg and running a hand through her hair out of nervousness.

"What's going on? That night, you told me you understood, and you wanted me to leave, to ensure I wouldn't resent you and the kids. Then this morning you basically tell me you hate me for leaving, Meredith what is going on?" I could see the wheels turning in her head trying to piece together her thoughts, and in that moment I could tell that she was just as confused as I was, if not more.

"I don't know, Derek, I… just because I may understand that you need to do this, doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I don't know why it hit me just last night, and I can't tell you why I was so calm when I told you to go. I guess, I just... I don't know," she leaned against the back of the couch and pulled her legs to her chest protectively, "I've told you before, I'm complicated," her face spread into sad a smile with her last statement and the exhaustion was evident on her face.

"That, my dear, is the least confusing statement you've made in weeks," I said with a laugh. She laughed too and told me to shut up. We sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at each other through our computer screens. This would take some getting used to, it took me long enough to even figure out how to use it, but seeing Meredith and the kids only through a video camera was going to be rough. Not being able to hug them, kiss them, or cuddle them before bed for weeks at a time may be the hardest part of this job.

"So, that thing you said about being your mother," I started, breaking the silence and watching as she tensed, "Meredith, I know I haven't been great about telling you this, but you are nothing like her. You're an amazing mom, those kids adore you."

Meredith shifted on the couch and smiled slightly for just a split second, "Derek you said so yourself, I'm the reason you're gone. I told you to leave and even if I know that you need this, I feel guilty for driving you away from the kids, they love you so much, sometimes I wonder if they love you more than they love me."

"Meredith, half the time we talked tonight, Zola went on and on about you, the Mac 'n' Cheese you made for dinner the other night, the visits to daycare, all of the tea parties. Meredith, you put your mother to shame. Now I may be a little biased, but I would go as far as to say you are the best mother I have ever known, ever seen even," I finished with a smile and a tilt of my head, knowing it was the best way to get a smile from her.

Meredith laughed quietly and shook her head before responding, "You know, you're pretty good at making me forget why I'm mad at you."

"I am, huh? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I retorted, hoping for a positive response to the sly comment.

"The jury's still out on that one." She said with a smirk, full well knowing my intentions.

We talked for hours, about anything and everything; how my research was going, the annoying assistant I was stuck with, I gave her a full run down on all of the people in my office, and how her research was going, even updates on Yang. It was nice, talking to my wife about every day things just like we had for years. The only difference was that this time we had nearly two weeks of talking to cram into one sitting. For the first time in a long time, we were laughing together, teasing each other almost as if nothing had happened. As if we were in the same room, not on opposite ends of the country.

My feet were propped on the coffee table in front of me, as I glanced to my right and checked the time on my phone, "I need to get going, I have to be up for work in 5 hours," I said with a woeful sigh.

"OK," she replied, she had moved from her position against the back of the couch and was now laying down, propped in the corner of the sectional with the laptop on her lap, "Hey Derek?" she asked as I moved to sit up and place the computer in front of me, rubbing my eyes.

"Yeah," I replied with a sleep-filled voice.

"Thank you, for making me laugh, and knowing exactly what I needed. I really, really love you, ya know?" her voice was soft and low.

"I love you too, more than you know. Get some sleep, OK?" as we were saying goodbye, I could see her eyelids drooping lower and lower, and I could hear her breathing evening out. Before we had a chance to hang up, she was fast asleep. I reached to grab my phone on the couch cushion to my right, and unlocked it and scrolled to Amy's contact.

"Hello?" she replied in a chipper voice.

"Hey Amy, Meredith fell asleep on the couch. Would you mind going out there to turn off her computer, maybe lay a blanket over her, so she doesn't get cold?"

"Oh, yeah no problem," she stated, "How are you Derek?"

"Thanks, I appreciate it," I replied with a yawn, "I'm good, I guess. Just, look out for her, will you?"

"Of course Derek, I would do anything for you guys, you know that."

"Mmhmm, well I'll see you in about a week," I said, as I watched her grab the computer off of Meredith, and gently toss a blanket over her slender body before the screen went black.

"OK, see ya then," she whispered.

As I hung up, I thought of the weeks to come and wondered how they would play out. How many more times would Meredith and I fight each other from across the country, and make-up via Skype? Thinking about the unpredictability of the future, the uncertainty settled like a rock in my stomach. I had been worried earlier that the end might actually be near, however after the events of the night, those thoughts had been replaced by more optimistic thoughts that we may actually be able to make it through this.

**Thank you to those who have reviewed, I really appreciate it! It makes my day :)**

**Happy first Grey's day of the year! (The excitement and fear I feel right now is CRAZY)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, but that's OK because Thursday night's episode was amazing.**

**Author's Note: I had absolutely nothing I needed to do today and I was itching to write, so here it is, chapter 5 :)There are a few different aspects to this one, and I'm a little nervous about it, so let me know what you think!**

Love can crush you, it can destroy you, make you feel obsolete and beyond repair. Don't forget, however that love can also build you up, rebuild you, and make you feel like the most important person in the room. I was terrified for the longest time of falling in love, because the only love I ever knew was the kind that disappeared. Then I met Derek and he made me believe that love could be infinite, that if the love was real and unconditional it would cease to waver. Though this belief was tested many times over the years, it never disappeared, because what we have is real it is infinite and we may have rough patches, but for us, the end is nowhere near. This last rough patch was one of the longest and harshest that we had ever had, but we got through it. Of course the outcome isn't perfect, but perfection is nonexistent. It had been so long since I had been deliriously in love with him that I had almost forgotten what it felt like. I was floating, I was exhausted from taking care of the kids, but Amelia had been helping out a lot, it didn't matter though, because I was happy. For the first time in a long time, and though I knew that I would be happier if Derek were here with us, I had learned to accept that this is just the way it had to be for a while.

My mouth began to form a smile as these thoughts drifted through my brain while I stood at the nurse's station completing my latest patient chart. I was so caught up in my daydream that I hadn't realized Callie standing next to me before she spoke up, "For someone whose husband is living 3,000 miles away you seem really happy. What's up with you?"

As her voice pierced my thoughts, I turned my head to look at her, she was leaning with her hip against the counter and her hand on her other hip. I felt a blush creep onto my face as I shook my head slightly and closed the chart, before handing it off to nurse Debbie, "Nothing, it's just... I don't know. Life is good I guess. I mean, it could be better, but I'm learning to be content with what I've got."

Callie's eyebrow shot up and she laughed a little, "Oh, you got the cheeseburger, didn't you?" she questioned slyly and continued before I had a chance to answer, "Wait, but Derek isn't due back for another week, did he come home early?"

"No!" I giggled as I turned to face her, "There was no cheeseburger."

"Oooh was it a Skype cheese burger? How is that? I've never actually done it before but I heard it's really fun," Callie passed her chart off and wiggled her eyebrows at me, giggling the entire time.

"Callie, there was no cheeseburger, I promise," I laughed, shaking my head and tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Sighing slightly I continued, "It just... feels different now. I mean, I understand that he has to be where he is, and he understands why I had to stay. We're making it work, we're OK," I smiled whimsically, "We talk on the phone, all the time. I tell him stories about the kids, how things are going at work, and he tells me about the people in his office, and the doorman, Stew from his apartment building. Apparently when he gets bored, he goes downstairs and talks to him, they're pretty good friends now, I guess. You know, I was upset before, partly because I didn't know where he would be everyday or the people he would be with, but I feel like I've been there now. We Skyped one day and he took me on a tour of his office isn't struggling as much anymore and that helps too," shaking my head slightly, I looked Callie in the eye and we shared a smile.

"Look at you, you're like a love-struck intern. Or drunk, are you drunk?" she laughed again and it was followed by a long, sad sigh.

"A little bit of both," I joked quietly, drawing yet another laugh from Callie, "I'm sorry, for going on and on to you. I should be asking you how you are, but here I am..." I trailed off for a moment before asking, "Really Callie, how are you doing with the situation between you and Arizona?" She tensed slightly and I almost regretted asking.

"It's complicated... I don't know what's going to happen next. We're both busy with work and Sophia,we haven't had much time to talk. You know, we tried that 30 day thing and it didn't exactly go the way we planned. At least we're not fighting anymore, but that's only because we aren't talking at all, at least not other than exchanging Sophia. I don't know, there's so much that we just aren't agreeing on and it's..." she sighed again, her shoulders slouching in defeat, "We'll see."

I looked her directly in the eye and said,"If you need anything, anything at all, just ask. I can take Sophia for you anytime, within reason, just let me know. You don't have to be alone in this Callie."

Her eyes began to water slightly and whispered, "Thank you Meredith, really. I really appreciate it. We shared a smile before turning and headed in opposite directions down the hallway.

* * *

An hour later I walked out of Mrs. Wallace's room, finally finished with my rounds and felt my my phone buzz in my pocket. As I pulled it out of my pocket and looked down at the picture on the screen, I smiled and answered, "Hey," I whispered, walking toward the nearest on call room and plopping on the bed.

The shuffling of papers came before the voice, "Hey!" the voice became quieter and I heard talking in the background, "Sorry about that, I just finished with a meeting. How's your day going?"

"It's good, busy but good. I talked to Callie this morning, I'm worried about her, them. I don't know if they'll be able to make it through this," I sighed heavily and turned to lean against the wall.

"I'm sure they'll figure something out Meredith, we did," his voice lightened and I could almost see the smile on his face.

"I'm not so sure Derek, they've had so much thrown at them the last couple years."

"We'll help them, any way we can." a door closed and I heard the squeak of his chair as he sat down.

"So, Dr. Shepherd. It's Friday night, what are you doing?" I asked with a smile gracing my face.

"Paperwork probably, I was supposed to have meetings all day tomorrow, but they were cancelled. I should probably stock the fridge and buy a few more things for the apartment," he stopped abruptly as I began to laugh, "What?"

"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You need to get out, go to a bar with the Stew or something."

"Shut-up," he chuckled, "You want me to go to a bar with my doorman?"

"Or you know, since you have the whole weekend, and you need to get stuff done, I could come help. We filled the house in the woods together just fine." I surprised even myself by offering to visit, but I hoped that he wouldn't tell me not to come.

"That would be." he began, his voice laced with surprise, "that would be amazing, but Meredith I'll be home in a week. You don't have to, not if you don't want to."

For a moment, I was silent as I thought about what to do. I couldn't just leave the kids for the weekend so suddenly. I had promised Zola that we would do something special, going to see Derek would be the best surprise for them, but how would I handle two kids and our stuff by myself? When I finally spoke up, I said, "Derek, you've been gone for three weeks already, the kids miss you, I miss you. They could come with, Zola really wants to see where Daddy always is, and maybe it'll make it a little easier to get through this last week."

"Ok," he whispered with a smile in his voice, "there's a flight that leaves at 6:00 tonight, no layovers, the kids could sleep on the plane, and I can meet you at the baggage claim to help you with your bags, do you think that'll work?"

"Yeah, yeah that will be perfect, I'm not supposed to get off until 5:00, but I'll explain it to Owen, I'm sure he'll let me leave early," I replied, "Are we really doing this?"

"That's perfect. We are, if you're up for it." he remarked with a hope laced voice.

"Of course I am."

"Ok, I'll get these tickets and email them to you, don't worry about printing them off, they'll scan your phone at the gate, and see if someone can take you to the airport to help you with the kids," the hope that was previously in his voice had been replaced with excitement and I could tel that he had a grin as big as Texas on his face. As we worked out all of the kinks, the excitement began to build in my chest. By tomorrow I would be able to hug him and kiss him, sleep in the same bed as him for at least a night. I couldn't believe that a simple joke about visiting him to save him from his sad weekend would turn into something so real. After saying goodbye, I hopped off of the bed and walked out of the on-cal room to find Owen.

* * *

Hours later, I was in an airplane, Zola sitting next to me, and Bailey on my lap. The look on Zola's face when I told her and Bailey we were going to D.C. to see Derek was one of the best I had ever seen. The pure joy and excitement almost brought tears to my eyes, and made Bailey start to laugh. Though he was to young to understand completely, he understood that what was happening was a really good thing. He had never flown before and from the moment we stepped on to the plane, he began to cling to me tightly, whining if I tried to loosen his grip. Zola was the exact opposite, she was amazed by everything about it, and began asking a million question a minute, making it difficult to keep her still. My carry-on was full of toys, coloring books, crayons, books, and the iPad that held Curious George. There was no doubt in my mind that I had over done it with the toys, howeverI didn't want to risk having two bored kids on my hands. I helped Zola with her seat belt before buckling my own and re-positioning Bailey.

"Zola you have to listen to Mommy real quick," her brown eyes widened as she looked at me and nodded, "You have to sit in your seat and whisper unless you have to go potty. Make sure you tell me if you have to go OK?"

Zola nodded and smiled up at, "Otay Mama, can I have Gi-Gi and blankie pease?" I grabbed her things out of the bag, taking some crackers out along with them, knowing she and Bailey would be hungry for a snack soon. I watched with a smile as she snuggled up with her blanket and started playing with her giraffe, tickling Bailey lightly before shifting him onto my shoulder and rubbing his back. We started rolling down the runway and I grabbed his pacifier and blanket out of the front pocket of the bag, tucking the elephant-covered blanket around him and placing the pacifier into his mouth to make the ascent easier on his tiny ears. I looked to my right, where Zola was looking out the window and talking to her stuffed animal. Bailey whined slightly as the plane lifted from the ground and the landing gear retreated back into the plane and I began to rock him slowly.

Two hours later, it was 8:30. Bailey was asleep on my chest and Zola was tucked against my side, wrapped in her blanket with Gi-Gi in her arms, and watching an episode of Curious George, not far behind her brother. The flight so far had been better than I had expected, Zola played with her toys, colored, drank juice and ate pretzels. Bailey had calmed down after about twenty minutes and was happy to play with his sister. There were a few high-pitched squeals from both, but not enough to make everyone hate us quite yet. As her episode ended, I rubbed my hand over Zola's head in the way that she loves, and noticed she had drifted off. I took the iPad from her, placed it back into the bag that had made it's way next to her on the seat, and pulled her tightly to my side. Sitting there, in a plane, covered by my kids, I couldn't help but think about how much had changed since my intern year. I had been lonely and work-driven, the only thing on my mind was getting started in my career as a surgeon, but then I met Derek and everything changed. I was no longer as work-driven anymore, our first two months together, before I found out about Addison, were the best months I had had in the longest time. I've taken it for granted, the fact that I no longer have to worry about being alone. Sure, I feel lonely sometimes, especially since Derek has been gone, but now I know that it will never last long.

I fell asleep quickly after the kids and woke up just as we were descending. I looked around, taking in my surroundings and noting that the kids were still sleeping and everything was packed away in our bag. We landed with a light thud and both kids whined and shifted in their sleep, but weren't woken up. As we taxied toward the gate, I pulled out my phone to text Derek, "Landed and waiting to get off. Kids are still asleep, see you soon :)" seconds later I got a reply, "Good :) I'm waiting, very impatiently, for you!"

I smiled to myself as the cabin lights turned on and the seat-belt signs off. Watching as people began to file off the plane, I stood slowly, shifted Bailey onto my right shoulder, grabbed the bad from around Zola, swung it onto the shoulder previously occupied by a sleeping Bailey before shifting him back and swaying back and forth as I waited for our turn. The people two rows in front of us began to stand and I shook Zola carefully, "Mama?" came her tired, tiny voice.

"You have to stand up real quick so I can lift you Zo," I said softly to her sleepy form. She grunted stubbornly before sitting up, rubbing her eyes, grabbing her giraffe in her hand, and standing to her feet. I swept my arm around her and brought her to my hit, she snuggled close to me, shoving her face in my neck as I began to move side ways through the isle. I smiled at the flight attendant as I walked off of the plane, and and my heart beat faster with every step. In a matter of minutes he would be there in front of us and I couldn't wait, I began to walk as fast as I could under the weight of the kids. As we came to the baggage claim, I scanned the room for Derek, until I spotted him leaning against a pillar, he needed to lean more often, either that or I needed more sleep. Within seconds, we made eye contact and he began walking toward us, I felt tears well up behind my eyes as he came closer and closer. By the time we were face to face, my eyes were flooded. We shared a wide smile as he took Zola from my arms, snuggled her to his chest, kissed the side of her head, and moved closer to wrap an arm around my waste, "Hi," he said softly as he stroked my back and kissed the top of my head.

I sniffled and my voice came out roughly as I said, "God, you smell so good," we laughed quietly as we held each other for a few minutes.

"Did the kids do OK on the flight?" he asked as we walked toward the baggage claim hand in hand.

"They were really good, Bailey was pretty scared for a while, but they played and then slept most of the time sleeping," I replied in a tired whisper.

"Good, that's good," he returned with a smile, "Here, I'll grab your bags," he said as he shifted Zola back into my arms. I whispered to her as she shifted slightly and swayed back and forth to keep both Zola and Bailey asleep as I watched Derek grab the bags. A few minutes later, we walked out of the airport and to Derek's car. We were together as a family for the first time in three weeks and I couldn't stop smiling.

**Please Review! I would love some input on the story, any tips you have, any story ideas, let me know, please!**

**I have to say, I was NOT disappointed with Grey's this Thursday, that MerDer scene at the end was perfection. I honestly lost track of how many times I hit rewind on my remote.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, I most likely wouldn't have a Snow-Day for work.**

**Author's Note: I didn't plan on getting anything written this weekend, but it turns out I had a lot more time than I thought I would so here it is. Chapter 6! I hope you enjoy it. Please review and let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!**

The feeling that came over me the moment I saw Meredith walking toward the baggage claim with our two sleeping kids in her arms was like none other. She looked beautiful, exhausted, but beautiful. As I shoved myself off of the pillar I couldn't help but walk quickly toward them and swoop Zola softly into my arms to relieve some stress from Meredith's. Holding my family in my arms was better than anything I could have imagined. That moment made me realize just how much I loved feeling Zola snuggle into me, Meredith wrap her arm around my waste, and the still baby-like smell of Bailey.

From the airport to my apartment, Meredith recalled with amazing detail the smallest things Zola and Bailey had done on the flight. We talked about Cristina and Ross, joking about them getting together for good, and about how we may be able to help Callie and Arizona. Half way there, Meredith fell asleep with her hand entwined in mine, as we stopped at a red light, I glanced over at her, watching as she slept and stroking her hand in tender, slow circles. A green light pierced through the dark early morning sky, and my foot released the brake and pushed the gas softly. Twenty minutes later we were pulling into the parking garage, and rolled to a gradual stop. I gazed at Meredith for a few moments before untangling our hands and moving to stroke her cheek. "Meredith, Meredith wake up," I whispered delicately.

Scrunching her nose, as she always did when she woke up, and leaning further into my hand, she whispered back with a grunt, "No."

"Meredith," I chuckled, "We have to get the kids inside."

She stretched in her seat as much as she could, and her eyelids fluttered open faintly, "Why are you laughing at me?" she whined.

A wide smile spreed across my face as I tilted my head to the side gingerly, "You're cute when you wake up. When you sleep too." Once the words left my mouth, I couldn't help but let my mind drift to the last time I had been able to watch her sleep, in person. It was the night before I left for D.C. We had gone to bed late, having stayed up talking for most of the night, before she had fallen asleep. Though she fell asleep with little trouble, it wasn't the same for me, having gotten so caught up in watching every move Meredith made. From the way her eyebrows furrowed slightly, to the way she subconsciously nuzzled closer to my chest, clinging to me in her sleep. Thoughts of the endless nights to come plagued my mind, the loneliness I knew was upon us had caused me to push my nose into the crook of her neck, taking in the familiar smell of her hair and kissing her neck tenderly.

"You're a creeper," she muttered with a laugh. Our eyes met and I held her gaze for a few seconds, smiling at each other in a way that echoed exactly how excited we were to be within a 1-mile radius of each other.

A whine erupted from the backseat of the car, and as I turned back, I made eye contact with a blue-eyed little boy that looked just like his mommy. His face lit up and his sleep-filled eyes widened before he let out a squeal, "Dada!" Bailey attempted to wiggle out of his car-seat to no avail and his face scrunched up as he started to whine once more. With a chuckle, I leaned over to give Meredith a peck on the cheek, "Come on, the Monkey's getting agitated." she giggled back as we unbuckled and climbed out of the car. I crossed around to her side of the SUV as she came around to mine. I opened Bailey's door and found him kicking his feet up in the air and raising his arms toward me while fighting against his car-seat straps, "Come here Monkey," I unbuckled him and grabbed him from the car before tossing him up in the air, eliciting a giggle from the little boy. He babbled in my ear as I hugged him close, kissing his head before shifting him onto my hip and reaching back in to the car, where my eyes met Meredith's as she nabbed a sleepy Zola from her own car-seat. After grabbing Bailey's monkey, blanket, and pacifier from his seat, I popped the pacifier into his mouth, "Hold that for me real quick, OK Monkey?" I asked, tickling his tummy once more, and placing his blanket and monkey into his grasp. Meredith and I met at the hatch of the car, and while Bailey babbled around his pacifier, I opened it up. I grabbed the large suitcase from the trunk with my free hand and placed it on the ground, popping the handle up, and shutting the trunk after Meredith grabbed the smaller suitcase. We made our way to the elevator, kids and luggage in hand.

Zola began to wake up as we walked onto the elevator, "Mama," she grunted, "why we movin' 'round?" A smile formed on my face as Meredith moved her hand from the suitcase at her waist to Zola's back and rubbed her hand up and down, before whispering something in her ear. Whatever she said to the little girl made her eyes widen as she picked her head up and looked toward me, "Daddy!" she shouted as she reached around Meredith to wrap her arms around my neck, with help from her Mommy, Zola moved from Meredith's hip to mine and snuggled close.

"How are you Princess? Did you sleep well?" I questioned.

"Pretty good," she remarked before her eyes widened once more, "Mama took me 'n' Bailey on a air-pane! We went way way far up in da sky, all da way to da cwouds Daddy! Bailey didn't like it at all; he was huggin' Mama, but den I gave him Monkey and we played cars, and him was all better," she finished with an accomplished nod of her head, her messy bed-head bobbing with her, "Oh! And I got big lots'a sleep Daddy,"she spread her arms out, reaching as far as she could to prove her point.

Meredith reached around me to roll the other suit-case toward her as Zola and I continued to talk about the plane ride, Bailey babbling in his two cents every couple words, until the elevator dinged, signalling that we had reached our destination. I walked out with the kids, closely followed by Meredith. We rounded the corner and heard a man's voice, "Dr. Shepherd! What are you doing out so early?"

"Hey Stew! I had to head out and pick these guys up from the airport," I said with a smirk before turning to Meredith, "Mer, this is the doorman I told you about, Stew."

"Nice to meet you, thanks for keeping my husband company," she remarked as she shook his hand, "You can always call me if he gets too annoying and you want to get rid of him," she finished, smirking in my direction.

"Daddy not 'nnoying, Mama!" Zola spoke up in a cute little angry voice.

Chuckling loudly, I glared jokingly at Meredith, "At least someone loves me." She met my statement with an eye roll as I felt Bailey wiggle in my arms, anxious to escape, and bent down to set him on the ground. The moment his tiny legs hit the tile, he began running circles around us, squealing in delight. Zola watched with laughter before asking to get down herself, and playing with her baby brother.

"We'll see you later Stew."

"Alright Derek, it was nice to meet you Meredith," he smirked as he 'tipped' his fictitious hate toward her.

"Hey! No flirting with my wife," I shot back over my shoulder, corralling the kids into yet another elevator. Zola pranced right in after Meredith, talking to Gi-Gi the whole way. Bailey, on the other hand, continued running circles, dogging me every time I came close, until I caught him, swept him into my arms like a little baby and blew raspberries on his belly with a growl, "Come on you little stinker." He giggled, shrieking loudly in my ear as we made our way toward our girls, who were laughing at us from the elevator.

* * *

Before closing the door to the bedroom that held Bailey and Zola, I looked at their peaceful faces and smiled. They were snuggled tightly into the beds I had purchased last night. A port-a-crib for Bailey and a 'big girl bed' for Zola, which I had placed in the corner of the only, though large, bedroom in the apartment. I leaned against the door-frame for at least five minutes, just enjoying the ability to be in the same room and look at their faces in person. The ache that had settled into my stomach and heart for the last three weeks was finally lifting as I spent more and more time around my nearly perfect little family. Pushing myself off of the door-frame and pulling the door closed carefully, made my way toward Meredith. She was in the kitchen sipping a glass of water while studying a small rectangular box, directly in front of her on the island. As I moved closer, I saw what the box held and my pulse quickened, "Meredith."

"This isn't why I said that I should come visit, I promise. It didn't even cross my mind until I was on my way to the airport with the kids, so I stopped at a drug store and grabbed a test, and I'm not even sure if I'm right. I just... I've been feeling sick for the past few days, and I'm a few weeks late, at first I thought it was stress, but by the time I actually sat down and thought about it.. I just... it could still just be stress," she rambled nervously and continued to stare down at the box, setting the glass next to it. I walked over to her and placed a hand on the small of her back, leaning into her slightly, "Derek," she continued, turning her head to look me in the eye, "Bailey isn't even two yet, and running after him and Zola, and working is a like having two full time jobs. We still don't know how much longer you'll have to stay in D.C." her breath continued to quicken as she talked, and I could hear the tears building.

"Meredith," I said softly, "Take the test, we'll figure this out, but in order to do that, we need to know for sure, OK?" My hands grasped her hips and I spun her around to face me. I cupped her face in my hands and stroked her cheeks, placing a light kiss against her forehead before leaning mine against hers, "This doesn't have to be a bad thing, this is a good thing. A really good thing, but we have to find out," she nodded her head, and shifted to hug me tightly before grabbing the box and heading toward the bathroom. I ran my fingers through my hair, and over my face, sighing heavily and moving toward the stool at the other side of the island where I sat with my elbow on the counter and my head in my hand. A million question began penetrating my thoughts. What if the test was positive? What if she was actually pregnant? What would we do? I felt bad enough leaving her alone with two kids, I couldn't imagine leaving her alone with the added stress of a pregnancy. The last three weeks without my family had been incredibly hard, it would only be harder knowing that there was another person to worry about. The bathroom door creaked open and I took a deep breath as Meredith appeared behind it.

"Five minutes," she stated simply walking over to me and placing the test down on the counter in front of me and leaning against my left side. In a split second, I turned and swiftly picked her up before placing her on my lap so she was straddling me, "Derek," she shrieked.

"Shhh, you'll wake up the kids," I said with a laugh. She rolled her eyes, and latched her hands around my neck. rubbing my hands up and down her back slowly and methodically, I whispered to her with a loving smile, "We can do this. Whatever the results are, we'll be OK. Either you're not pregnant and we continue on like we have been until I can go home, or, you are pregnant and we have a new little baby that looks just as much like you as Bailey does, and I try to get home as soon as I can."

"How do you always know exactly what to say?" she giggled as she wiped a tear from her face, before sighing, closing her eyes, and folding me into a hug.

Holding her tightly against my chest, I whispered into her ear, "Because I know you Meredith, and I know what you're thinking right now. You're scared, and you don't know how this is going to work. A baby isn't the worst thing that can happen, we love babies," I chuckled tenderly.

"We do, at least our babies. I think five minutes is up," Meredith pulled herself away from me slightly and looked into my eyes once more, "You look," she said forcefully.

"OK," reaching around her, I grabbed the stick from the counter and brought it between us before flipping it over and staring at the two very prominent pink lines, "You're pregnant," I said as a smile grew larger and larger across my face and my eyes watered.

"We're gonna have a baby?" she asked tearfully, "We're having another baby," she repeated, this time with a smile matching my own as she giggled. Leaning into me for the millionth time since we first saw each other, and kissed me deeply. We sat there, lost in each other for what felt like hours, thinking about what our family would be like with one more: a family of five. The baby smell, the tiny clothes, seeing their ultrasound picture for the first time, hearing the heartbeat for the first time. There was so much ahead of us, happy, new and a little challenging.

"I love you," she said with a tear laced voice, as her hand traveled down to her stomach.

I looked at her, placed my hand over hers, and pressed a kiss against her cheek, "I love you too, Meredith."

"Mama! Daddy!" we heard Zola's hysterical cries coming from the bedroom moments later, and Meredith hopped off my lap and walked quickly toward the door. Once Meredith reached Zola, she pulled her into her arms and grabbed her giraffe before heading back out the door and shutting it gently, noticing that, though Bailey had shifted and groaned in his sleep, he was still out cold. As Meredith walked toward the couch with Zola, I grabbed the pregnancy test and moved around the counter to toss it in the trash. Then toward the fridge, snatching Zola's juice-filled sippy-cup, a pack of fruit snacks from the cupboard to the right that we had picked up earlier this morning on our shopping trip, while listening to Meredith talk soothingly to Zola in the voice she, subconsciously, saved specifically for the kids. When I moved back around the counter and sat next to Meredith and Zola on the couch facing them with one leg tucked under me.

"Here's your juice Princess," I moved my hand over her head tenderly, as she sprawled against Meredith's chest, her breath still slightly labored.

"Tank you Daddy," her sweet, sad voice replied while she sipped at her juice and clutched her giraffe tighter.

"You're welcome Zo-Zo." I looked toward Meredith with a small smile and a wink, then moved my eyebrows up and down sporadically. Eliciting a laugh from the tiny blonde and the little girl in her lap. I had to believe that we would get through this. That we would figure out how to make this work. We did it once, and these new circumstances would serve for an adjustment, but it would be OK. I would need to make a few phone calls, and attempt to work something out that would allow me to be home more often, if not shorten my time in D.C. We were having a another baby.

* * *

Derek had decided to take the kids to the Smithsonian National Zoo, knowing how much they loved the animals and that there were so many more animals to see. I offered to stay behind and help make the apartment a little more livable, but mainly to give him some time alone with the kids, knowing that he missed them just as much, if not more, than they missed him.

I started by choosing a few pictures of us and the kids from my phone and sending them to the nearest Walgreen's to be printed, and hailed a cab to the nearest Target - thank god for Google Maps. Once there, I grabbed a cart and started toward the home decor section. Though my knowledge in this department was limited, it was still a lot better than Derek's. It had been weeks since I had been shopping with out Zola and Bailey and I had almost forgotten how relaxing it could be. As I turned the corner, I found myself in the baby section and couldn't resist the urge to walk through. Stopping at a the second rack in, I saw a tiny, dark gray onsie with orange lettering that said, 'I'm the Latest Addition', my eyes watered and a smile adorned my face as I pictured a tiny new baby that looked just like Derek filling it out. Without much though, I grabbed it off the rack and stuck it in the cart before continuing to the home decor section. I rolled the cart down an isle with throw pillows lining the shelves. Thinking back to the apartment's tan walls, slightly deeper tan couch, and blue chairs against the large glass window, I grabbed two orange, blue, green, and gray striped pillows with a black back ground along with two solid dark brown pillows.

Two hours later I left the store having spent a lot more than expected on a rug to warm up a section of the wood floors, a lamp to go next to the couch, the throw pillows, a couple of throw blankets, picture frames, and a few decorative pictures. I was beyond excited to see Derek's face when he walked through the door with the kids, and after a quick stop by Walgreen's to pick up the pictures I made my way back to put everything in place. Just as I was laying the last throw pillow on the couch, I heard the door click open and the patter of little shoes accompanied by the loud chatter of little voices. I walked to the door, "Hey! Did you guys have fun?"

Derek looked up at me with a smile from his position on the floor removing Bailey's shoes and Zola shouted, "We had lots'o fun Mama, we saw monkeys and Gi-Gi's, and foggies, and pandas too! It was so cool Mama," she sighed heavily, ran over to her Gi-Gi, plopped onto the couch, and told her all about the zoo.

Bailey shot up from the floor once Derek had taken off his shoes and ran into my legs full force, squeezing them tight, then waving his arms up at me, "Mama Mama Mama," he babbled. Reaching down and sweeping him into my arms, I blew raspberries on his neck, drawing a wave of giggles from his little belly.

"Somebody's in a good mood. Did you like all the animals, Monkey?" I walked with the babbling little boy back to the living room and plopped down onto the couch by Zola. Hearing Derek's reaction prior to seeing it, I smiled brightly and watched as he turned the corner, his eyes widening as he took in his surroundings.

"Meredith, you did all of this?" he asked in disbelief, "This morning?"

"I did, there was nothing here. It didn't look lived in before. Now it feels... homier," I said with a shrug. He smiled at me, in the dreamy way that caused Cristina to give him the title of McDreamy, and walked over to us.

Standing in front of me, he bent down, placing his hands on my legs, kissing me quickly and softly, "Thank you. I love the pictures of you and the kids. It isn't home, but it really does help Meredith, thank you." Derek laughed and moved away from me as he received a few angry screeches from Bailey, who was kicking his legs at Derek from his place on my lap, "I think somebody wants Mommy all to himself, are you getting ready for a nap Mr. Monkey Boy?" Derek said, sending a pointed look toward Bailey before moving to hold a hand out to Zola, "Come on Princess, want to help me with lunch?"

"Yeah!" she shouted as she grabbed his hand and screeching in surprise when he released her hand moving around behind her, and tickled her sides as they walked to the kitchen.

"They're crazy Monkey," Bailey looked at me with a look that screamed 'Don't I know it Mom' and made v-rooming noises as he drove his red car all around her body, "Let's go see what they're cooking."

With those words his face lit up, "Nummies!" he shouted, crawling off my lap and running toward the kitchen. Standing up from the couch, I couldn't help but imagine holding a little baby in my arms, and my hands drifted to my stomach, rubbing in slow, tender circles.

"Am I interrupting something?" I turned my head sharply toward the disturbance, a blush creeping up onto my face as I noticed Derek leaning against the door-jam smiling at me.

Shaking my head and laughing, I stated, "I want to show you something. Will the kids be OK where they are for a minute?"

"Yeah, yeah, they'll be OK," a look of concern adorned his face,"are you OK?"

"I'm fine, I promise, come here," walking toward him and grabbing his hand, I lead him to the other side of the room and picked up the onsie I bought earlier this morning, "I know it's probably too early to be buying anything, but I saw it when I was shopping this morning and I couldn't help myself."

"Meredith," Derek interjected softly, "It's perfect," he finished as he grabbed it from my hands and stroked it softly, "There's gonna be a baby in this in a few months," the sound of awe in his voice and the look on his face matched that of when I had told him about Bailey and I leaned into his chest ever so slightly.

Suddenly, yelling and crying erupted from the kitchen and Zola shouted, "Daddy! Bailey 'tole my Gi-Gi! Him's gettin' it all slobb'ry!" Derek and I laughed as he handed me the onsie, wrapped an arm around me from behind, grasped my opposite shoulder, and kissed me before moving to the kitchen to deal with the 'crisis'.

I looked at the tiny onsie in awe for a moment longer, before shoving it back into the bag and walking toward the kitchen, trying to wrap my mind around the thought of being a family of five instead of a family of four. A small part of me was afraid of how the next few months would play out. Whether Derek would be there for most of it. If everything would go as well as it did for my pregnancy with Bailey, and if the birth would go better this time around. Despite that and more, I was beyond excited at the prospect of the new life growing inside of me, it felt so surreal in that moment, but I couldn't wait to hold this baby arms. Derek and I would figure it out, we always have adn we always will.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one may not be published until next weekend, but this one is the longest so far :)**

**I greatly appreciate all of the reviews you have taken the time to share thus far!**

**Also, I understand that everyone has different interpretations of characters, but I would like it if you would let me know where you see any majorly out-of-character areas. (I do realize that MerDer aren't usually as touchy-feely as they are in this chapter, but hey, a girl can dream right?)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, my laptop would be faster than molasses.**

**Author's Note: For anyone who has been following this story, I am so sorry! My laptop hasn't been working and I haven't had much time to type anything up, but this chapter is pretty long so I hope that helps!**

**Please read, review, and hopefully enjoy! :)**

_Fear is a natural part of life. It drives us to do things we wouldn't normally do, makes us think in different ways. Some say there is nothing they fear, however, is that really true? You may not be afraid of the act of dying, you may not be afraid of spiders or sharks, but aren't you afraid of what may happen, aren't we all? The fear of the unknown is the greatest fear there is. Anything could happen at any moment in time and most people are able to deal with that, we have to in order to live normal lives. It's the fear of what we have absolutely no control over that gets us the most. The fear of what will happen after our death, how will our families react? Will they be OK? Many people struggle with questions such as this everyday, it isn't that they have nothing to be afraid of, so they say. It is because what they are afraid of cannot be avoided._

It had been six weeks since I had taken the kids to see Derek and five since he had been home. During the few days he was home, we were able to make an appointment with my OB, who determined that I was approximately three and a half weeks along and everything was right on track. He had been conversing with his superiors in order to work out some form of specific timeline that would allow him to come home as soon as possible. Ultimately, it had been decided that once Derek completed six months of work in D.C, he would be able to perform as much of his duties as he could from months and twenty-three days, and he would be home for good. As excited as I was about the prospect of having another child, I was just as terrified, if not more. There was so much that could go wrong and millions of questions flew through my brain every day. What if Bailey had simply been a fluke? Does this baby even have a chance? April and Jackson popped into my mind and I thought about all they had just been through, that could be Derek and me. How am I supposed to handle everything on my own, even for the next couple months?

There was no getting away from it, it didn't matter how hard I tried. The only solutions I could find involved distraction, either at work, with the kids, or talking to Derek. As much as Derek helped from across the country, it was nothing compared to having him by my side, being able to just sit with **him** in silence, and take comfort in his warmth. I needed to tell someone, to get it off my chest, see the smile on their face as they heard the news. I needed someone next to me, to hug me and tell me everything was going to be OK, even simply for my benefit. Though my doctor had said everything was good, I needed to hear it again.

The Sunday afternoon sun was beating through the window-covered walls of the house, as I finished up the dishwasher. By some twist of fate, Amelia and Callie both had the day off, so Callie ventured over with Sofia and they helped me with the kids so I could get some house-work done. Until I was actually having a conversation with two adults, I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Now that all the kids were down for naps and sound asleep, Amelia was working on paperwork at the island in front of me, and Callie was sitting on the couching, folding laundry. Taking the last glass from the dishwasher, I dried it carefully while periodically looking between them. I wanted to tell them, I really did, but every time I opened my mouth, I couldn't bring myself to form the words. Telling people would mean that if we lost this baby, we would have to tell them that too and I didn't know if I was ready to make it that real.

"OK, what's your problem?" came Amelia's voice.

"Are you daydreaming about cheeseburgers again?" followed Callie's.

"Cheeseburgers, why would..." Amelia questioned, obviously confused.

"Code for sex," I replied.

"Well, if you are, I do not want to know why you're looking at me," she finished with a grimace, shoving her papers back into her folder and capping her pen before pushing them aside.

"Nothing's wrong," I replied defensively.

"Sure," she said with a look of skepticism written on her face, "You know? I could use some more cheeseburgers in my life," she replied whimsically.

"Holla," Callie and I harmonized.

Callie got up from the couch, walked around the counter, grabbed the cork screw, turned around and reached toward the wine rack as I began to fill the dishwasher with dirty dishes once more. After popping the cork and letting it breathe she grabbed for a wine glass, "Want some?"

"Recovering Alcoholic," Amelia said with a raise of her hand, "I'll just have some water," as she filled a glass with water from the fridge.

"Crap, that's right, sorry," Callie replied with a slight grimace, "What about you Mer?"

"No, no I'm good," my voice came out more urgently than I anticipated and I rushed to calm it down, "Thanks though."

"Seriously?" Callie questioned, eyebrows raised in disbelief, "When do you ever say no to alcohol?"

"You're not dying are you?" Amelia interjected with a laugh.

Faking an angry look, I grabbed the rag from the counter and hit her with it softly, "Shut up," I finished with a laugh, before I caught a whiff of the wine. God, I missed that.

I scanned the kitchen for more dirty dishes before shoving the dishwasher closed and moving toward the living room to clean up any lingering toys. Behind me, I heard Callie pouring some wine into a glass and placing the bottle in the fridge.

"Meredith, I'm serious. What's wrong?" Amelia questioned, with concern lacing every word. as she walked into the living room, and sat on the couch, her legs tucked beneath her, Callie close behind. As they settled into the couch, Amelia shot me a very Derek-esque pointed look as Callie simply raised her eyebrows. It was moments like this that cemented the fact that Amelia was Derek's sister into my mind; they could be so damn similar sometimes.

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, before bending down, placing a few more toys into the toy-box, and moving around the back of the couch to sit next to them. For just a moment, I sat there, sideways on the couch, one leg tucked under me, my elbow on the back of the couch and my head laying in my hand. Drawing in one last shaky breath, I looked them both in the eye before looking down and picking at the blanket that hung over the back of the couch and whispered, "I'm pregnant," smiling slightly.

A shocked expression made it's way onto each of their faces, "Oh my god!" Callie said with a laugh, "Congratulations."

Amelia's eyes widened and her eyebrows shot halfway up her forehead, "You're what?" she asked, dumbfounded, "Does Derek.."

"Yes," I said forcefully, giggling slightly, "Derek knows, he's known for a while actually. You know that weekend about a month and a half ago when I took the kids to see him in D.C," she nodded her head slightly as I continued, "Well, I took a test when we were there and it was positive. So we confirmed it the week after when he came home."

"How far along are you?" she asked, the shocked expression slowly morphing into a smile of awe.

"Almost ten weeks," with my head still in my hand, I felt my smile continue to soften.

"Congratulations, Meredith," she said, her smile matching mine, as she moved to hug me. I tensed for a second, a little apprehensive and not expecting it, but hugged her back, "Did he cry, when you guys found out? Oh, please tell me he cried," she teased as she pulled away, a mischievous look adorning her face.

"He didn't," I giggled, "watery eyes, definitely, but no, no actual crying."

"Damn, I was hoping for some good leverage," chuckling as she reached for her water.

They gave me what I needed, what I wanted from Derek but he couldn't give me at the moment, they made me forget about my fears, but didn't dismiss them. We focused on the positives, Zola and Bailey's reaction when we told them about the baby and jokes about the baby having Derek's hair or crooked nose, it felt amazing and I was beginning to feel more and more like a person again. I had spent so much of the past few weeks as a mother and a surgeon that I forgot to take time for myself, I forgot to be me. Now, I finally had the chance to take a breather, to feel like a real person again, and I couldn't thank them enough. Having people over the age of four to have a conversation with, a conversation that didn't include cows that use typewriters or why we can't fly, was a very nice change.

MDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZBMDZB

As I showered that night, I couldn't help but imagine Derek being there with me. The way he held me, our slippery wet bodies glued together, and how he would without fail start washing my hair after. His strong, surgeon hands would weave themselves through my wet, suds-filled hair with the same delicate meticulously he mastered in surgery. Missing him, was constant. In the beginning, I hated myself in the slightest for being such a 'weak' person, however I've realized that missing someone you've spent every free moment with for the past eight years isn't weak, it's understandable. Growing up, my mother didn't teach me how to feel. She taught me how to cut, suture, and hide my feelings the best I could. If she had, I would have embraced missing people sooner, because I do, miss people that is. I miss George, his awkwardness and stupid jokes, I imagine he would have been a great uncle for Bailey and Zola to have. I miss Izzie, the warmth and baked goods she filled the frat-house with, she would have been the one to teach Zola how to bake. I miss Lexie, her ability to break down my walls and give me a sister, Zola loved her more than anything and Bailey would have too. I miss Cristina, her sarcasm and friendship, let's face it she wasn't exactly the best babysitter, but she loved these kids an amazing amount. Missing people is something I have grown into, it's something I have learned is a life necessity, it gives you a sense of who matters the most.

Hopping out of the shower, I dried quickly before slipping my bra and panties on with lightning speed in an attempt to race away from the cold. Moving toward the counter to grab my pajamas, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped in surprise. It was really there, I could see it, the little, tiny bump that simply made it look like I had gained a few pounds. My hand traveled to the teeny tiny bump that had appeared seemingly out of no where and I stroked it softly, looking myself up and down in the mirror, "Hi baby," I whispered tenderly, smiling down at my stomach. Tears began to gather behind my eyes and I put my clothes on quickly, tossing the dirty laundry into the hamper by the door and hopping onto the bed before rolling onto my side and reaching toward the nightstand for my phone, I hit speed-dial 1 and waited, no-so patiently for an answer.

"Hello?" came the gruff, sleep-filled voice.

I smiled slightly, "We're having a baby, Derek," I giggled, then continued, "I can see it... we're having a baby."

He chuckled and I heard sheets shuffling around, "We are," he said softly, "What do you mean you can see it? Did you have another ultrasound already?" he questioned, confusion lacing his voice.

"No, Derek I have a bump. It's tiny, and it kind of just looks like I gained weight, but it's there," I rambled with awe filling my voice.

"Really? Already?" he replied excitedly.

"Yeah," I giggled as I heard ringing coming from the laptop on the night stand, with confusion I reached toward it, "Hold on," I told Derek as I flipped the laptop open. Once I noticed it was a Skype call from Derek, I smiled even wider and clicked accept, hanging up with him as his face popped onto my screen.

"You hung up on me," he exclaimed with fake hurt lacing his voice as he laughed. Laughing with him, I took in his wild sleep hair and Bodwoin t-shirt he loved so much, before rolling my eyes.

"So sensitive," I replied with a smirk.

"Alright, let's see it, show me the goods," he retorted, waving his eyebrows at me, then smiling and tilting his head.

"Don't be such a perv, you old man," I glared jokingly.

"You're my wife, I'm your perv, deal with it," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, "And I am not that old Meredith!"

"Whatever you say, Dear," I rolled my eyes once more.

"Meredith, stop stalling."

I shifted on the bed to a sitting position, my side facing the computer screen and slowly lifted my shirt, "See, I told you, it just looks like I'm getting fat," finishing with a giggle.

"It does not, Meredith," now it was his turn to roll his eyes, "Wow. There really is a baby in there," he spoke up after a few seconds.

"It's not technically a baby yet, it's a fetus," I stated.

"Meredith," he groaned, "You're gonna give the kid a complex," making a face, then smiling.

"Whatever, I called Bailey fetus for a long time and he's perfectly fine."

"As of right now," he argued, "If you roll your eyes one more time, they're gonna get stuck up there."

"Oh my god," I laughed, "Stop it with the dad jokes already," I placed a hand over my slightly larger stomach softly.

"You're so beautiful," Derek said tenderly as his laughter died. I glanced back toward him, scrunching my nose and snorting a little before pulling my shirt back down, then leaned back on the bed and rolled onto my side once more, draping a hand over my belly.

"Sorry I woke you up. I completely forgot about the time difference."

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you woke me," he said, his eyes sparkling, "I want you to come to me, call me, I guess, when you need me. Even though I'm further away now, I'm still your husband."

A lump formed in my throat and tears built behind my eyes once more, this time, a few making trails down my cheek. I sniffled and wiped them away, "OK," sighing ruggedly, I continued, "I really miss you, Derek."

Tilting his head once more, his eyes filled with sadness and adoration he whispered, "I miss you too, so much."

"Crap," I sputtered as tears continued to pour down my face and my breathing became more and more irregular.

"Stupid pregnancy hormones?" Derek asked, chuckling slightly, "You should get some sleep, Meredith."

"Shut up," I said, which came out somewhere between a whine and a sob, "Not yet, I just want to hear your voice for a little while. How was your day?" as I finished, I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes in an attempt to keep further tears from making their way onto my cheeks.

"Long and boring," he sighed darkly, leaning back into his head board, "I cleaned the apartment up a bit, got some groceries. Hung out with Stew at the desk, did some paperwork, it's way too quiet around here."

"I'm sorry," I shot him a sad, watery smile, "You're still hanging out with your doorman? You really need to find some friends, Derek," I laughed.

"I'm not going to waste time making friends here, I won't be here for much longer and I'd rather talk to you and the kids when I have the time."

"I know it's not that long, but it's still almost four months," I replied with a sigh of my own.

He sighed and nodded in defeat, rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair then smiling at me once more, "I know."

For a few moments, we sat in silence, looking into each other's eye through the screens of our computers. As the seconds inched past, Jackson and April came to mind again. I couldn't imagine what they were going through, if I had lost Bailey in that way, I don't know what I would have done. A ball settled in my throat and tears spilled onto my cheeks once more as I thought of what it would be like if something like that happened to this baby. Looking down at my stomach, I placed a hand it and held it lightly.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" Derek's urgent and concerned voice called, "Mer."

"April and Jackson lost their baby," I whimpered, "Remember I told you that the baby had Osteogenisis Imperfecta? They found out it was type two and th.. they, god, Derek." I sobbed.

"Oh, Meredith," he whispered.

"Th.. they didn't deserve this, th..they w..were so... and," my breathing was becoming ragged once more and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I turned onto my back and brought my hands to my forehead, trying to calm myself down, "Derek, I... I don't want to l..lose this baby, I really.. really," I groaned through my tears and thumped my head against the pillow.

"Meredith, Meredith calm down, take a deep breath," Derek replied tenderly, "What happened with April and Jackson's baby is terrible and I agree, I can't imagine going through that, but that doesn't mean anything will happen to our baby. I know you're scared, I'm scared too. Everything will go the way it goes and in the end, we'll get through it together. We can do this Meredith."

I could feel his eyes on me, and almost see his loving smile in my mind. We sat like that for a while, talking softly and before I knew it, I was no longer crying and Derek had managed to elicit a laugh from my chest.

Sooner than I would have liked we had to say goodbye, "I have to get some more sleep, I have to work through the night tomorrow. You should get some sleep too, before you have a couple little monsters bouncing on the bed," Derek stated with a smile.

"Ok," sighing softly and returning his sad, tender smile, "I love you."

"I love you too, Meredith. I'll see you soon," just as he was about to log off he spoke up once more, "Give the kids a hug for me and tell them I miss them, and I may not be able to talk to them before bed so, just... I."

"Derek, it's OK, really. You talk to them all the time, they know how much you love them," I said forcefully before succumbing to a yawn, "I'm having lunch with them tomorrow, call then, OK?"

"Sounds good," he smiled, "Thank you."

I snorted a laugh, "They're your kids too, Derek. You don't have to thank me."

Laughing back he replied, "No. Really, they're mine?"

"You're such an ass."

"You like my ass," he said arrogantly.

"Very much," I giggled.

"Good night, Meredith. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Good night," after exchanging smiles, he disappeared from my screen and I shut the laptop, and got under the covers, snuggling into the pillows that still held a trace of Derek's scent before succumbing to much-needed sleep in a matter of minutes.

_Fear is unavoidable, but having people by your side as you move through it, makes it the tiniest bit easier. Without a support group, your fears can devour you from the inside out. Everyone needs people to voice their concerns to to share burdens and happiness with and the sooner we realize this, the sooner fear has less control over us._


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did I most likely would not have a bunch-o homework.**

**Author's Note: I totally meant for this chapter to be published by at least Sunday, but life happens, right? So, I will start with apologizing to those who were waiting, I am obviously quite terrible at consistency when it comes to this. I hope you enjoy and please review! I'm a little nervous about this chapter for reasons that will most likely bore you and would love to know what you think! :)**

_Newborns thrive on soothing from mothers and fathers and that need for comfort does not simply end once we grow. Horrible things happen in life, and so do small things, things we may not realize at first, but before we know it, we feel the need to be comforted and try to find it wherever we can, once we find that comfort, it's hard to let go, whether it's at the bottom of a liquor bottle or box of chocolate, in the arms of our lovers or the arms of our mothers. Everyone strives for a level of comfort that makes them feel safe, and maybe even better about what we're going through. Any amount of comfort is an amount people thrive off of._

It was a Friday night and for the first time in what felt like years, I was walking into Joe's Bar with Callie at my side, who had been struggling with the new found amount of free time she had now that custody of Sofia was being shared with Arizona and their recent separation. The complaining about lack of cheeseburgers and multiple failed attempts at being picked up had become nearly constant so, here I was. I had yet to figure out how a married, not to mention, pregnant woman would be of any help, but I was a damn good sounding board and Callie was even more hilarious with a few shots in her. We hung our coats on the hook by the door and scanned the room for empty seats before giving up and grabbing two stools at the bar where we were greeted by a friendly face of the bar's (nick)name's sake.

"Joe!" I yelled in surprise, over the noises of the bar, "How are you? I haven't seen you in years, where have you been?"

"Well if it isn't Meredith Grey," he returned with a smile, "Good, good. Walter and I had to head down to Tennessee, his mom was diagnosed with cancer a while back and the family needed help. So, we packed up the twins and moved down there for a while. She died a couple months back, and Walter and I thought it would be best to move back."

"I'm sorry, well, we're glad to see your face around here again."

Callie snorted slightly before replying, "You've probably been gone as long as he has, Mer," looking at the bartender and pointing to me prior to continuing, "Mrs. McDreamy over here is too good for us Joe."

Joe responded with a laugh while I rolled my eyes, "What can I get for you ladies?"

"Oooh, Tequila, two shots each," Callie smiled deviously, "If we're gonna start, we're starting right," she told me as I gave her a pointed look.

"Two shots for that one, I'll take a virgin strawberry daquiri," as the words left my mouth, it began to water, only to increase when I caught a whiff of fries from nearby, "and a large fry," I added quickly.

"That's right, you're one of those pregnant pod-people now," Callie said with a laugh.

"Hey, I'm here, aren't I?"

"Just keep tellin' yourself that, Preggers," Joe placed two shots in front of her and she smiled brightly once more, turning to wink at me and throwing them both back, wincing at the burn as they slid down her throat. I glared at her once she looked away, silently jealous of her alcohol intake, and knowing it was only the beginning.

"Who'd you get to watch the kids?" she asked, holding onto the counter for support as the tequila hit her empty stomach.

"Pierce, Maggie, whatever," I said with a wave of may hand as Joe placed my drink in front of me, a drink with absolutely no alcohol and enough sugar to put a diabetic in a coma, one I wouldn't have been caught dead with not too long ago, "She's amazing with them, I'm tempted to ask her to quit her job and move in," I joked.

"Why? You already did that with Amelia," she giggled.

I laughed slightly and responded, "Yeah, but she's been living in the hospital lately. Ever since Arizona told her about Herman's tumor. She thinks she can save her life, and if she's anything like her brother, she will, so I can't really be too upset. Plus," I continued with a whimsical grin, "Maggie bakes, and she's really good, she makes the most amazing chocolate cupcakes, she's turning Zo into a little baker too."

"Wow," she said, staring at me, "Can I steal her?"

I rolled my eyes, before realizing she wasn't laughing, "Callie, she's a person!" I said with a chuckle. Just then, the scent of grease and fried food hit me in the face and I looked across the bar to see Joe placing a basket of fries in front of me, "If I weren't already taken, I'd marry you," I said with a laugh, he laughed back and told us to yell for him if we needed anything. Pushing the tray marginally closer to Callie I said, "Here, soak up some of that happy juice." She reached into the basket distractedly, and I followed her gaze to a man a few seats down. Chewing on a fry, she started bouncing her leg and picking at her napkin.

"Go say hi," I said quietly, nudging her a bit.

Her head snapped toward me, "What? No, if he wants it he'll come and get it."

"Callie," I said with a shake of my head and a laugh, "Men are idiots, so either start staring at a woman or go over there and ask him to dance."

"I can't handle any more women in my life right now!" she exclaimed, "I need a man."

"Then go get one," I shrugged.

"What if he says no, or worse, what if he's married and his wife shows up and punches me in the face?" she argued, snatching another fry.

"What if he is? You won't know unless you go over there," sighing, I continued, "Callie, you're hot, like crazy, supermodel sexy.. you've got the boobs and the butt, AND the face."

"You know what, you're right, I am a catch, a really damn good one," she stood up with determination, and took a swig of her drink.

"I'll bail you out if you need me to," I said with a smile.

"I won't," she winked, before strutting toward her target, seconds later she was leading him to the dance floor and throwing a smile my way, leaving me alone to devour what was in front of me.

* * *

Tomorrow was Valentine's Day, and though I knew how much Meredith hated celebrating it, I was not going to turn down the opportunity for an excuse to go home to my family. Not to mention, I was supposed to make a trip home two weeks ago to go to Zola's dance recital and Meredith's doctors appointment, but something had come up and I wasn't able to make it. Meredith had been avoiding most of my calls and Zola was pouting and giving me the silent treatment whenever we Skyed, that is if she even came to the computer. I knew they were both angry, they had a right to be. In hopes of surprising Meredith at home, I hadn't mentioned anything during our conversation last night and remained silent as we exchanged texts through the day. Sleep had been hard to come by the last few days and I had barely had enough time to talk to Meredith and the kids, so I felt half asleep as i trudged up to the house, as I walked in the door, dropped my briefcase, shoved off my shoes and placed my jacket on the hook, as I turned around, I was surprised to see someone other than my wife in the kitchen, doing dishes.

"Hey, Derek," came the voice, "Meredith didn't say anything about you coming home."

"She doesn't know, I wanted to surprise her," I replied as I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, smiling at Maggie, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh," she said in surprise, "Meredith asked me to babysit, she went to the bar with Callie. Apparently Callie's been struggling with the separation, she thought she needed a night out."

"Oh, that's good," I replied, moving around to help dry the dishes and put them away, "Meredith probably needed it too," I said softly, thinking of everything she had been dealing with while I was gone.

"The kids are in bed," she said quickly," but you probably figured that. Look, I can go, when I'm done. If you want. I was going to spend the night, Meredith didn't know when she would be back, but..."

"No," I replied, cutting her off, "No, you can stay," and smiling as we finished the dishes. I was so glad to know that Meredith was starting to accept Maggie as her sister, knowing that she was apprehensive in the beginning, most likely due to everything that happened with Lexie, "Actually," I said once we'd finished, "Would you mind if I were to head out for a while, I think I'll surprise Meredith there, since the kids are asleep." In reality, I knew that I should have just let Meredith have her night out with Callie, but it had been so long since I'd seen her and I figure she would be less likely to kill me in a room full of people.

"Yeah, yeah no problem," Maggie smiled, "I'm sure she'll love that."

"Thank you," I said softly, returning her smile, I moved back to the door, phone and keys in hand, slipping on my shoes and coat before saying goodbye and thanks to Maggie once more and heading out the door.

As I made my way down the stairs and into the bar, I thought of the first night we had been there together, the night we met. The night when I was still married, she was just an intern, and we had no idea we would be working together the next day. A smile made it's way onto my face and I was suddenly more excited to see her than I had been moments ago. I stopped at the entrance and scanned the room for the petite blonde. My eyes landed on her figure, at the bar within seconds and jealousy began to burn as I saw a man standing next to her. Moving toward them, I watched as he placed a hand on her arm and she moved away quickly, whipping her head to say something, and the jealously turned to anger.

"Look, buddy, I'm really not in the mood," I heard her spat as I moved closer, "I'm exhausted, pregnant, and I've got two kids at home, not to mention a husband that's working on the other side of the country. So, do us both a favor and go find someone who's interested."

The man's face screwed in anger and just as he was about to say something else, I slid into the stool between him and Meredith, turned toward her and asked, "So, is this a good place to hang out?" before sending a cheesy smile her way, and leaning against the bar on one elbow, with my head tilted into my hand.

"Wha..what are you doing here?" she asked, placing a hand on my thigh leaning into me in with surprise written across her face.

"Tomorrow's Valentine's Day," I said simply, sending another twinkling smile her way.

With my simple statement, flames grew in her eyes and she pulled away form me abruptly. Shit.

"Oh, so you'll come home for Valentine's Day, a holiday we never even celebrate, but you can't take a frickin' day to go to your four year old's dance recital?" staring at me with ferocity.

I groaned and rubbed my hand over my face before turning it to look toward her again, "Meredith," I said tenderly, and saw the man laugh slightly and walk away out of the corner of my eye.

"No! No, I know that voice," her chest was starting to heave slightly and angry tears were building in her eyes, "If you give some stupid excuse about the President, I swear to God, Derek," this time she groaned and turned toward the bar to place her elbows upon it and hold her head in her hands for a moment before turning toward me once more, "I know what you're going to say, and I understand why you couldn't be there, I do. I'm not even mad that you missed my appointment, but Derek, Zola's four. She doesn't understand it the way I do! She thinks you weren't there because you didn't love her enough or you didn't want to be there, she cried herself to sleep that night and the next two after that, she wouldn't even listen to the frickin' book with me and Bailey. You can't just not show up, not talk to her about it and expect her to be OK!" by the time she was done talking, she was nearly shouting and there were tears streaming down her face.

"I didn't want to miss it, Meredith, you know that I would have done anything to be there, but I couldn't, there was nothing I could do about it. I know that I let Zola down and I will do everything I can to make it up to her," I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, then turned toward her once more. She was angry, very angry, it was written all over her face and I knew she wanted to say something, but was biting her tongue. So I sighed, "I think we need to pause."

"Pauses are just band-aids, Derek," she snapped.

"You're right, they are," I smiled, "and we need one, because I'm in the same room with my wife for the first time in five weeks and we're fighting, but all I want to do is hug her, because it's been a long five weeks."

As she rolled her eyes, a few new tears made tracks down her cheeks and I reached a hand toward her face, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, cupping her cheeking and rubbing away the tears tenderly. For a second, she tensed but inevitably relaxed into my hand then moved to lean against my chest. My hand slid from her face and moved around her back, the other wrapping itself around her from the front, I kissed the crown of her head and squeezed her tightly, "I missed you," she croaked, and I felt her smile against me.

"Good," I growled into her ear, eliciting a watery giggle from her. Rubbing my hands back and forth, I stopped the one around her waist as it moved around to her stomach, which held a new-found roundness and I smiled into her hair before saying, "I'm sorry I missed your appointment."

"I told you, it's fine," she argued.

"I know, but I also know that you would have rather had someone there, and these appointments are the one thing that I've been able to support you in."

"If you're referring to the puking and the nauseousness, it's good you haven't been here. You know I hate that hovery crap," she giggled.

"I do, at least we aren't fighting about 'hoveriness'," I affirmed, as we finally pulled away from each other. Before she could turn her head toward the bar once more, I grabbed each side of her face and kissed her, short and sweet, brushing the hair off of her forehead and turning toward the bar myself just as Joe walked up.

"Hey,Shep! I thought you were out of town."

"Surprise visit,"I said with a smile, slipping my hand around Meredith's back and stroking the side of her stomach lightly.

He smiled back, "What can I get for ya?"

"Just a water."

"Sounds good, Meredith want a refill?"

"I'm good, thanks," came her soft voice as her hand traveled to entwine with mine at her stomach.

It was then I took the time to survey the surroundings and noticed the pink, quarter full drink in front of her, "What the hell is that?" I laughed.

"It's a virgin strawberry daquiri, try it," she laughed as she shoved it toward me.

I looked at her wryly before taking a small sip, I made a face and swallowed harshly, "God, that's pure sugar."

Meredith laughed, "Delicious, isn't it, Mr. Musili?" she paused to look at me with a smile on her face and said softly, "I'm really glad you came, Derek."

Smiling back, I squeezed her side lightly, before removing my hand and grabbing our waters from Joe as he passed by us, "Really?" I questioned in feigned surprise, "but you were having so much fun with Callie."

Pouting a little and smacking my bicep she responded, "Shut-up," quickly followed by a laugh, "I should probably be keeping track of her, but I think she might have gone off with that guy," she winced as she scanned the room, only to find Callie walking from the bathroom, leading a guy behind her, both of them sporting wide grins, "Ew," Meredith said, scrunching her nose.

I laughed and muttered in her ear, "Like we've never done that," earning a glare in my direction, only making my laughter escalate.

Callie spotted us and waved, whispering something to the guy before rushing toward Meredith, "Hey! You were right, he totally just needed a shove," she rolled her eyes and reached around Meredith, grabbing her water and downing it, "We're gonna head out, thanks, Mer," she shouted as she hurried toward the door.

"What the hell just happened?" Meredith asked.

"Looks like you just got Torres laid," I said matter-of-factly, "I didn't know you were such a good wing-man, Mer," I chuckled, bumping shoulders with her.

"Neither did I," she laughed back, still stunned, "Well, I guess, we don't really have anything to stay anymore."

"Unless," I said softly as a slow song traveled through the bar, "You want to dance with me," I got up from my stool and held a hand out to her, tilting my head in a smile.

"You don't dance in public," she said, turning around to face me, placing her hand in mine, but not getting up, "for good reasons," she finished with a wince.

"Meredith, this is barely dancing, it's swaying," I said pulling on her hand lightly, "Come sway with me," I continued, with laughter flooding my voice.

She shook her head and smiled as she stood and followed me closer to the center of the bar, where I let go of her hand and placed both of mine at her waist as she threw hers around my neck and we held each other close. She smiled at me and stared into my eyes, letting me lead her back and forth. Looking into her eyes, seeing her smile, holding her to me, and barely feeling the tiny swell of her stomach press against my waist, I ducked my head a bit and took her lips in mine, kissing her slowly and deeply, then pressing our foreheads together, "See? Swaying," I whispered quietly, a cheesy smile gracing my face. I felt happy, comfortable in that moment and though I knew this was just a pause and we would most likely continue arguing sooner rather than later. She's complicated and frustrating, and doesn't always understand where I'm coming from at first, but she does eventually. We love each other and though we don't say it nearly as often as we should, that never changes.

_It may come to you when you least expect it, when you don't think you need it. It may come piece by piece, in tiny increments so small that you hardly notice, but it's there. We seek comfort while struggling with how to deal with our problems until it comes, however we fail to realize that sometimes, in order to get the comfort we need, we need to discover what it's like to be uncomfortable. The balance between comfortable and uncomfortable are uneven more times than not, but that's how we learn. That's how we learn what helps and what doesn't. Who helps and who makes it ten times worse. No matter what, as much as we may dislike the ratios, they're all part of life._

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you tons to those of you who have reviewed; I greatly appreciate it! **

**I have to say, I may be suffering from some major MerDer withdrawals that include not being able to sleep because of thinking up stories. **

**FYI: The next chapter at least, will not be spaced (time-wise) as these last couple have, there will be a Derek-Zola conversation and a little MerDer 'Valentine's Day' fluff, oh and probably more fighting because, ya know, that's how they do.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did Derek Shepherd would not be dead and fangirls all over the world would not be dying.**

**Author's Note: It's been forever since I've updated and I honestly haven't meant for it to take so long but between school and work I've been pretty booked lately. I'm not going to guarantee anything, I may honestly not have time to update again until school is done (which is not soon enough). Derek Shepherd may be dead to Shonda Rhimes, but he is sure as hell not dead to me. The only seen I have watched repeatedly is Meredith's 'fantasy' with Derek alive and curling up next to him in his hospital bed. I have enough ideas rolling around in my head to make Derek Shepherd last his and Meredith's lifetime. Believe me when I say this, I will never kill either of them.**

**Please read, review, and hopefully enjoy. (MerDer fluff is healing.)**

* * *

_I'm sorry. A phrase everyone knows and no one likes. A phrase with less and less meaning each time it's uttered. A phrase children simply cannot compute, because what does it hold? What are you sorry for? What does being sorry even mean? Saying you're sorry to a child, and only that, gets you nowhere. They'll look up at you with big saucer-like eyes laced with confusion and begging for more information. You see, saying you're sorry means nothing. _

A wooden door with tiny, pink, flower-covered letters spelling my daughter's name loomed before me as I contemplated my next steps. Coffee was made, ingredients for pancakes were ready to go and as I had walked toward the bedroom to change, I heard Zola talking quietly talking to what I assumed to her stuffed animals (The dozens she demanded had to sleep with her every night). With Meredith and Bailey asleep, I assumed now would be as good a time as any to apologize. Until my talk with Meredith last night, I hadn't thought about just how mad Zola would be. In my mind she's still the tiny little baby I held in my arms just hours after she'd landed in the U.S., but she isn't a baby anymore, she's a little girl who's bright and funny and loves to dance. A little girl who wants her daddy to go to her recitals and tell her how proud he is of all that she has learned.

Hesitantly, I raised my hand and rapped the door with my knuckles lightly before turning the knob. As I entered the room, I saw Zola curled on her side, under her comforter with Ellie in her arms as she played with her ears. Her sleepy brown eyes collided with mine before she burrowed deeper into her bed.

"Hey Zo," I whispered as I padded over and kneeled in front of her bed, supporting myself with my elbows and rubbing a hand across her back gently

"You're s'posed ta be gone," she mumbled in a squeaky, slightly angry voice.

She still didn't meet my eyes, I let out a long sigh and said, "I know, princess, but I missed you and I feel bad that I couldn't go see you dance," I moved my hand over her head and sent a sad smile toward her, "I'm sorry, you know that, right?"

"So you not mad?" she responded in a barely audible voice that made my heart crack.

"Oh, Zo, no… Daddy wasn't mad at you."

Zola pulled the covers down further to look me in the eye, "Den you didn't wanna see me?" as she spoke, her eyes filled with tears and her little mouth formed a pout.

"Of course I wanted to see you and I really wanted to see you dance, Mommy recorded it and sent it to me. I watched the whole thing," placing my hand on her cheek, I wiped away a tiny tear from eye before smiling, "I even showed it to Stew, remember him?"

"Da door guy at da D.C. home?" she asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Yup."

"Daddy you need a fwiend, you need a Sofia."

"You've been hanging out with your mommy too much," I laughed, "I don't need friends Zo, I've got your mommy and she's more than enough. Mommy's my best friend."

"I like bein' with mommy!" she grunted and then smiled, "Hey, mommy's your Sofia."

"You know what I do need, Zo? I need to see you dance, I never got to see it up close do you think you could show me?" I watched as Zola thought it over and I could almost see the wheels turning in her little head.

"Don't know, Dada," she shrugged, "I still got jammies on."

It was my turn to pout this time as I looked her in the eye and said, "Please?" she giggled and hopped up onto her knees with Ellie firmly in her arms.

"Otay, ya gotta hold Ellie, Dada, she doesn't like da mornings," Zola squeezed her stuffed elephant tightly then shoved her in to my arms and hopped from her bed.

I cradled her stuffed animal like a baby and watched as she began twirling and hopping around her room. These were the moments I wanted to remember, and the ones I missed the most while in D.C. I never thought that I would be the man who left his family behind all for a job. As I sat on my daughter's bed cradling an elephant and watching her dance, I began to wonder how I could have chosen a job over this.

Minutes after she started, she threw her hands in the air and I began clapping, "Good job Zo!" a smile graced my face as I spoke and I set Ellie aside to swoop her into my arms and kiss her cheek as she giggled uncontrollably, "you learned ALL of that in your dance class?"

"Duh, Daddy," she giggled.

As she wrapped her legs around my waste and arms around my neck, I made a face at her and tickled her tummy, making her giggle even more, "Well, Miss Zo-Zo what do you say you help me make some pancakes for breakfast."

"Yeah!" she shouted, pumping a fist in the air, "What 'bout B, he woves pantakes, Daddy."

"We can go see if he's awake," smiling, I waited as she wiggled out of my arms and followed her to Bailey's room. When Zola reached the door, she grabbed the door knob, turned it slowly and entered the room, her little feet pattering over the crib where her little brother was.

"I think he jus' woked up," she whispered as the little boy with his butt in the air, and arms curled underneath himself, released one and rubbed his eyes before sitting on his knees and whining slightly.

"Hey there sleepy head," I cooed as I reached over the rail and pulled him into my arms.

He snuggled deeper into my chest and whispered, "Dada," into my neck. Hugging him close, I began to sway back and forth slightly.

"Daddy? Where da baby in mommy's tummy gonna sleep?" came Zola's voice from her perch on the stool of the rocking chair with a book firmly in her grasp while I began to change Bailey's diaper.

Her question caught me off guard for a moment and I wasn't quite sure what to say. I hadn't even thought of that yet, but looked toward her and responded, "The baby will have to sleep in mommy and daddy's room for a little while, but then they'll get their own room, we might get a big boy bed for your brother and give this one to the baby."

"A bed just like mine?"

"Probably," I said, turning my head to smile at her before looking back to zip put Bailey's pajama pants back ong.

"Ok," she replied, swinging her legs and looked back down at the pictures in Bailey's book.

"All clean, come on Monkey it's breakfast time."

"Dada nummies?" he responded patting my shoulder.

"Yes," I growled into his ear, tickling the dinosaur on his bellyand eliciting a delighted giggle from the little boy.

"Come on, we need to go get those pancakes started, Princess," I cheered as I reached a hand out to her, she looked up, smiled brightly, and nodded vigorously before grabbing my hand and skipping at my side.

Once we reached the kitchen, I buckled a very babbly Bailey into his highchair at the counter and helped Zola into the chair next to him. Then, I made my way to the other side of the island, to grab the pancake ingredients, "Alright guys, what kind of pancakes do you want this morning?"

"Pantakes!" Bailey shouted, eliciting a laugh from both Zola and myself.

"Booberry pantakes Daddy!" Zola responded with her giggle intact.

I slapped my hands together then rubbed them, "Blueberry it is," I remarked as I made my way to the fridge to grab the eggs, milk, and blueberries, only to be interrupted by Bailey moments later.

"Duce, duce, Dada!" he chanted, smacking his chubby hands on the counter.

"I want juice too," reported Zola.

I added juice to my mentally check list and grabbed everything from the fridge, picking up both Zola's pink big girl cup and Bailey's Curious George sippy cup and filling them with juice, then I handed them off and moved to stand next to Zola at the counter with a bowl, measuring cup, and whisk, "Let's see how good you are at cracking eggs, huh, Zo?" I asked as I placed one gently in her hand, guiding it toward the bowl, much to my dismay, the egg slipped from her fingers and landed with a splat on the countertop, eliciting more giggles from them both. For the next thirty-five minutes, Zola, Bailey, and I cracked, poured, whisked, and mixed ingredients into the bowl, then moved to the stove and plopped big glops the sticky mixture into a sizzling pan, which is where Meredith found us when she padded into the kitchen in a sleepy haze.

"Mama!" Bailey screeched from his perch on the counter, next to his sister who was standing on a stool by my hip (a safe distance from the stove and my arm reaching around both kids).

"We makin' pantakes Mama!" Zola added, her poof of hair bouncing with her as she smiled widely at her mom.

Meredith giggled, making my heart leap, and shuffled toward us, smiling down at Bailey and ruffling his messy hair before he reached his arms out to her and she swooped him up, leaning in to kiss my cheek in the process, "Morning, what's all this about?" she asked, glancing down at the pan and taking in the heart-shaped globs.

"It's Valentine's Day, Meredith," I chuckled, removing my arm from around Zola to rub the small of her back for a second before returning it to steady Zola, "It's only right that we have a homemade breakfast."

"Yeah, Mama," Zola retorted, eyes still glued to the pan of hearts, "It's 'I love you' day," she continued matter-of-factly.

Meredith raised her eyebrows at her and laughed slightly, releasing a squirming Bailey from her grasp prior to placing a kiss on his cheek.

"Daddy this is boring, it's not doin' nothin'," Zola whined.

"It takes a couple minutes for them to cook Love-Bug, why don't you go wash your hands and play with Monkey until they're ready."

"Ok!" she said, hopping from her stool.

Before she could run off in the opposite direction, I bent down in front of her, "Hey, thanks for making pancakes with me, you were extraordinary," I said with a smile and a wink.

Zola giggled and wrapped her little arms around my neck with full force, "It's ok you weren't at dance, this was gooder."

"Thanks Zo," I said, kissing her cheek and pulling back, "Go play with your brother; and wash your hands, please" I yelled after her, returning to a standing position to find Meredith leaning against the counter eating from the blueberry container with a small smile on her face as she watched me carefully.

"So you apologized?" she asked as I flipped the pancakes.

"I did," I responded before turning to smile at her, flipping the remainder of the pancakes and moving toward her. I placed my hands on her hips and rubbed then up and down her sides, tilting my head and looking her over once, "Are you feeling ok?"

Smiling back for a second, she nodded and placed one of her hands over mine, "Yup, I think the morning sickness is dying down a bit and those pancakes smell amazing so that's a good sign."

"Good, I'm glad," I smirked, moving a hand over her rounding stomach and kissing her once, pulling back and kissing her again, deeper this time. Then I pulled back and grabbed the pancakes off of the pan as Meredith glanced toward the play area, where Zola had roped Bailey into sitting at the tea party table with her, though he was still playing with his cars, it was easy to tell she counted it as a victory.

"So, you said you had plans for us," Meredith said as she moved to clean off Bailey's highchair and move it back around the island.

"I do," a teasing ton lacing my voice as I scooped more pancake mix out of the bowl.

"And?" she urged.

"And…"I continued, a mischievous smile sweeping across my face as I placed the scoop back and turned around send a wink in her direction, "I love you," then grabbed plates, utensils, and condiments from around the kitchen. Meredith, who had rolled her eyes and glared at first, mumbled a barely audible, nearly groan 'I love you too' before helping me set the table. We worked in silence for a while, as I made up the rest of the pancakes and she cleaned up the mess that had resulted from our not–so helpful but oh-so adorable kids. Every once in a while we would cross paths and I would bump my hip with hers causing her to laugh as I smirked suggestively, remembering the 'cheeseburgers' (yes, multiple) we enjoyed last night after arriving home from Joe's and though I'll never be able to think of a cheeseburger the same way ever again, at least we have the code word we've been trying to come up with for the sake of Zola and Bailey. After only ten minutes everything was ready. Four plates were full of blueberry pancakes, bananas, and cantaloupe and Meredith was calling Zola back to the kitchen as Bailey, who had shuffled back on his unsteady, chubby little legs, was smashing his pancake heart to mush, secured in his chair once again and as I glanced around at my beautiful, growing family, I wondered for the second time that morning how I could have ever decided to leave all of this for nothing but a job and an apartment that was full of items Meredith had chosen and pictures she had printed in D.C. I knew, in that moment, that the last few weeks would be the hardest to get through.

_The words, 'I'm sorry' mean nothing alone. It's when you pair them with other words, forming an explanation and actions, proving your feelings that the individual(s) you have hurt begin to really believe you are sincere._

* * *

**Review! Let me know what you think, I completely understand that everyone has different interpretations of these characters and I hope you do to, but let me know if there are any major inconsistencies that you see. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; though sometimes, much like now, I really freakin' wish I did.**

**Author's Note: I'm warning you now, don't get used to this regular publishing business, this week has been freakishly low-key and I've had quite the extra time on my hands. Besides, I've been crazy distracted by thinking up the next few chapters for this story. (In a good way: Too any ideas!)**

**Last little rant, I promise, but I want to apologize for any inconsistencies in spelling. As I re-read the last 8 chapters I found a few mistakes, and that's something I'd like to work on eliminating. This first step should probably be to read it over more than once. ****J**

**Please! Read, Review, and Enjoy!**

_The definition of a soulmate is someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. Once the lesson has been learnt, physical separation usually occurs. However, the definition of a life partner is a companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each other's needs and wants. _

_We had never been _**_that _**_couple, you know the one that holds hands wherever they go, calls and texts each other every day, or says 'I love you' every time we say goodbye. However, someone how in the last few months since Derek had been living in D.C., that's who we had turned into. It was inevitable in some respects because we spent so little time actually, physically in the same room and in the moments we did, we wanted to make the most of every second of it. I'd grab his hand or he'd rub my back, we'd cast glances, and exchange smiles, now I admit, the hormones are most likely half of this new-found cheesy-ness, but I can't exactly bring myself to care much. _

"No Daddy, you gotsta do it like… like," she paused form her perch on her bathroom counter, staring at her hair in the mirror for a moment, frowning, "Mommy, help!" Zola yelled dramatically as I rounded the corner from the bedroom with a freshly changed Bailey on my hip, "Daddy doesn't know how ta do hair no more."

"Zo, I'll get it ok," Derek sighed in near defeat, I could see the sadness behind his eyes as he continued to twist and pull at her hair in an attempt to tame it and my heart ached just a tad. He used to do her hair every morning, ever since Bailey had taught him about Zola's kitchen, he used to be the only one who could do it right.

"Yes he does, Zo, it's just been a while, give him a minute," I said softly, moving to stand next to Derek and set Bailey next to his sister, who began using the sink as a racetrack.

"Fine," she groaned, crossing her arms tightly and pursing her lips.

"She doesn't like the strands with clips anymore," I whispered into Derek's ear, kissing his cheek lightly then sending him a wink through the mirror. He smiled gratefully at me then kissed the top of Zola's head and tickled her side.

"Perk up, Princess," he said, with a faux glare, "We'll get this sorted out."

"Appy, Zo!" came Bailey's tiny voice as he tapped her leg with his car before forcing it into her hand and making 'vrooming' noises as he drove his other car over her causing her to giggle.

I rested my head on Derek's shoulder and watched for a moment as he combed and pulled her hair into two hair-ties. Within a minute he was done, threw up his hands, and yelled, "History has been made, Zola's hair is done!" causing both myself and the kids to jump and laugh.

"Thanks, Daddy," Zola smiled as she turned around and –with Derek's help- stood on the counter in front of him to wrap her arms tightly around his neck.

"Told you I didn't forget how," he growled into her ear, tickling her side and swooping her into his arms to lower her to the ground. Zola giggled loudly and ran out of the room with Bailey, who I had set down moments before hot on her heels.

Derek gathered Zola's hair supplies and placed them back into her drawers as I bent down to gather the dirty clothes and now-dry towel from the night before, "Thanks, for saving me from the wrath," Derek's voice pierced the silence.

"You're welcome," I smiled softly, leaning my hip against the counter, mirroring his position, except for the crossed arms, "but you didn't need it you know. You would have gotten it sooner or later."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I shouldn't have to 'figure it out', Meredith. I'm her Dad, I should know how she likes her hair."

"Ok, do you even realize what you just said?" I laughed, "Most Dad's that are with their daughters every day don't know that, just because your hair is amazing doesn't mean you have to."

"That's not the point," he responded with a sad sigh, "I used to…" he shrugged and tilted his head into a sad smile, "I used to do her hair every morning. Now I do it, what? Every 2nd Saturday of the month?"

"Derek," I said softly, moving closer and placing my hands on his hips, looking him in the eye, "You're a good Dad."

"No, no I'm not. Meredith a good dad would know what food his kids despise this week. A good dad would what his son's new favorite blanket is and what cars are off limits to anyone else. I'm failing, I have dropped this ball, Meredith," his eyes were clouded as he finished and he closed his eyes for a second, listening to the kids play in Zola's room just feet away, "I hate this job, I really do. For the longest time I have thought that it was everything, but, Meredith… I."

"I know," I whispered, "I know." Wrapping my arms around his waist tightly, I laid my head against his toned chest and listened to the soft 'lub-dup' noise that penetrated his sternum, and I thought, 'I never want to live without this sound' from this person, "A bad Dad doesn't take his kids to the zoo every time he comes home, or have their favorite book recorded in his voice. Derek, a bad Dad doesn't get his kids up to make pancakes in the shape of hearts. You're a good Dad, the best, and I am so glad that our kids, all three of them," I smiled into his chest, "have you as their Daddy."

Derek rubbed his hands up and down my back a few times, before pulling away and moving his hands to grasp mine at our sides, then leaning his forehead against my own and taking a deep breathe, "Thank you," he croaked.

Just as I was about to respond I heard Bailey shout, "Gi-Gi, Gi-Gi Mama!" as turned my head toward the door just in time to see him toddle from the entrance to a furry blob in the corner of the bathroom. Once he grasped the stuffed animal in his hand he held it to me and said, "Gi-Gi!" again before turning around and rushing back to Zola.

As Derek and I rounded the corner behind him, confused looks no doubt gracing both of our faces, we saw Bailey standing over Zola, "Gi-Gi, Z!" he shouted at her. When the little girl caught sight of what her brother held, her smile broke out into the largest smile I had seen all day.

"You found 'im B!" she cried as she hugged the stuffed giraffe close then turned to Derek who had been standing next me watching the scene unfold, "Daddy, Monkey found my Gi-Gi! 'member you got 'im for me at da zoo? I wost hims and I was so mad 'cause Daddy you got 'im for me 'fore you leaved," she rambled, in a way that I have to say did sound a little like me, but if Derek ever knew that I agreed, I would never live it down.

Shooting Derek a pointed look, I jabbed a finger into his sternum and said, "See? Good Dad," on my way out of Zola's room and toward the mountain of laundry I just knew was waiting in the laundry room. Just as I was walking past the kitchen counter, I heard a knock at the door and veered in that direction. Confused as to who could possibly be behind the door, I hesitated slightly before yanking it open only to be met with a very familiar face, "Oh my god," I squeaked as tears began to form behind my eyes and I launched myself onto the person in front of me.

"I don't care how long it has been, I still don't do hugs," Cristina complained, but wrapped her arms around me anyway.

"Shut-up, you missed me, admit it. Plus, I'm hormonal," I retorted, pulling back and taking her in, "I cant believe you're here," I muttered.

"And I can't believe McDreamy knocked you up again," she said sarcastically before shouting into the house, "Way to go McDreamy!" I placed my hands on my stomach and stroked it tenderly, while rolling my eyes as I heard Derek laugh and say something to the kids.

"Auntie Cris!" screamed Zola as she sprinted from the hallway to the walkway, shoving me marginally to slam into Cristina's legs. I wobbled a little at the surprise motion and felt Derek's hand on my elbow to steadying me.

"Hey, Yang," he greeted as I shot him a grateful glance before turning my attention back to Cristina who was now holding Zola and in a very serious conversation about which is better: brains or hearts.

"Nuh-uh, brains is da bestest," Zola forced with an angry face.

Cristina only rolled her eyes and remarked, "Coming from the daughter of Derek Shepherd."

With my hands still caressing my stomach and my weight shifted toward Derek, who was standing next to me with his arms crossed as he watched the humorous exchange between our daughter and my best friend, I interjected, shaking my head, "Seriously… what are you doing here, in Seattle?"

"McDreamy called, said you could use a break from the kids. From the looks of it, I'd have to say I agree," Cristina laughed.

"I do not need a break from my kids!" I snapped, looking between Derek and Cristina.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "You're so covered in Mommy right now I hardly recognized you when I opened the door. The bun, the sweat pants, the barefoot and pregnant thing. Are you gonna let me in or keep us in the door way?" she questioned as she moved to shut the door and walked to the play pen where Bailey was stretching to reach into it, grabbing the toy he was eyeing and placing Zola on her feet, "Hey Munchkin number 2."

"That is not why I called her," Derek interjected, most likely to keep me from blowing up, "It's been what? 5, 6 months since you've seen each other? Besides, we need a babysitter for tonight and I'm pretty sure we've run-down our other options."

"Babysitter, why would we need a babysitter? You said we weren't going into to town, you promised I wouldn't have to try to cram into a freakin' dress!" I snapped.

Derek chuckled slightly and kissed me quickly then responded, "We aren't going into town, and yes you can stay in sweats."

"Ok, what the hell is going on, what did you two do?"

"Oooh Daddy in twouble," Zola piped up from her perch at the Teat Party Table.

"Daddy is not in trouble," Derek said confidently as he reached down to grab a bag that had magically appeared near the door, "Remember what I talked to you guys earlier?" he asked, reaching around me to grab our coats off of the rack, "I'm gonna take Mommy somewhere for a while and you're gonna play with Aunt Cristina, ok?"

"Okie-Dokie ardijokey," Zola remarked with a large smile that just upped my nerves.

I felt a hand on my back and a small shove in their direction as Derek said, "Go hug your kids, I have to grab something from the car."

Just as he walked toward the door and I swooped Bailey into my arms and kissed his head, we heard the honk of a horn from the driveway and Cristina piped up, "Oh yeah, can you go pay for my Taxi?"

Derek just rolled his eyes and shook his head as he continued out the door, shrugging his light jacket on, "That's a yes," Cristina stated.

"Don't worry, Mama. You gonna have so much fun!" Zola said happily she hugged my legs, "So are you Baby," she finished, kissing my stomach.

"Leave already, will you? McDreamy's waiting," came Cristina's voice.

"I'm going, I'm going," I answered, squatting down to give Bailey and Zola one last hug then (using the table as leverage) stood up and walked to the door, "Shut-up," I shot over my shoulder as she laughed.

* * *

Five minutes later, Derek and I were still walking through the woods hand in hand, and I had no idea where we were heading, in all the years that he has owned this land, I had only seen a very small portion of it and I was not in the mood to be introduced to something new right in that moment. My lower back was starting to ache, my feet hurt, I was getting cold and I was hungry, "We're married, you're my husband, I'm your wife, and we've known each other for years. Married people talk, you know tell each other things, like where they're going and what the hell they're doing in the middle of the freakin' woods when they have a perfect, warm house nearby."

Derek laughed and rubbed his thumb over my hand tenderly, "Married people also trust each other Meredith, lean into the fear, remember?"

I rolled my eyes and released his hand to pull my jacket tighter around me, "Don't quote me to me," I said indignantly, only making him laugh harder.

"We're almost there, don't worry. You'll be warm and full of food in no time," he said with a wink. Just as I looked over at his face, my foot got caught on a large rock causing me to lurch forward. As quickly as it had happened, the bag was on the ground and Derek's arms wrapped around me, pulling me close and away from the ground, "Meredith, Meredith are you ok?" he asked urgently, turning me to face him with an arm wrapped around my shoulders and a hand on my cheek.

My breathing slowed, "I'm… fine," I stuttered, taking a deep breath, "I just… I need to sit down for a minute." Before I could process it, Derek had swung the bag back over his shoulder and had swept me in to his arms, "What are you doing?" I shrieked, "I'm fine really, it just caught me off guard I…"

"It's only about a yard away, I promise, it'll be more comfortable there," he replied softly.

With no excuse to fight him, I laid my head against his shoulder and placed a hand over my stomach, smoothing my jacket over it.

"You're sure everything's ok?" Derek questioned again, noting my hand over my stomach.

I kissed his cheek and said, "I promise." Less than a minute later, I saw something further down and as we crept closer, Derek taking extra precautions as not to cause any more near-falls, it became evident that the large blob in the distance was the airstream Derek had gotten when he first purchased the land all those years ago, "What… what's the trailer doing all the way out here, isn't Owen living in it?"

"A magician never divulges his secrets my dear," he responded with a smile and placed me in front of the door, grabbing the keys out of his jacket pocket and unlocking the door, "After you my Lady." He said in a terrible British accent that elicited a giggle from my chest as I climbed into the trailer he once called home.

"Wow," I whispered as I walked inside and plopped onto the couch, running my hands over the cushions softly, "It's so different. I don't… even remember the last time we were in here," I said shaking my head and smiling at Derek as he closed the door slightly behind himself, placed the bag on the floor and took a seat next to me.

After smiling back for a second he reached over and laced his fingers in mine, stroking the top of my hand with his thumb "I do. It was the Christmas right after I had moved into the Frat House," I joined him in laughing at the name my mother's house had been pegged with, "I was getting sick of sharing you with all of your friends, so I brought you out to the land one night after work," he smiled at me nefariously, "You agreed to letting me put one, just one, 'Christmasy' thing inside so I dragged you into.. Menards I think and grabbed the most obnoxious little tree I had ever seen."

Then you set it up right there," I added, pointing to the kitchen table, "I hated that stupid thing so much."

"Which made me love it even more, you still look adorable when you get mad," I glared at him and went to smack him with the hand he wasn't holding, but he caught it and placed a kiss on it, "See? Adorable," he chuckled again and sent me a cheesy smile before dropping a hand and placing it over my stomach, "Are you sure you feel ok?"

"Derek, I tripped and you caught me before I hit the ground," I responded as I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, that's my baby in there, I'm aloud to worry."

"You don't have to, rest easy superman, you saved the day," I retorted sarcastically.

Leaning down, he placed a kiss next to his hand and whispered, "I hope you're better on your feet than your Mommy is." He let out a loud chuckle as I smacked the top of his head.

"Derek! Don't feed our baby lies!"

"It wasn't a lie, it was a wish," he responded cockily, "By the way," he added, his lips now hovering over mine, so close I could feel him breathing, "I prefer Knight in Shining What-ever."

Placing a hand around his head and linking the other with his across my stomach as he rested one off his own on my thigh, I pulled him closer, smashing my lips against his for a second before pulling away slightly and whispering, "Me too," against his lips.

"You better," he growled, pecking my lips once more and moving to get off of the couch. Just as he shifted away, there was a thud from below our interlocked hands and he looked toward me in surprise, "Was that…"

"Yeah, yeah it was," I rambled, feeling tears build behind my eyes.

Derek smiled and leaned into the couch again, "Have you felt it before, like that?"

"No," I said, squeezing his hand that lay over my stomach, "Not like that… just flutters and… you know when I turn over sometimes I feel the baby flip?"

"Yeah," Derek whispered as we felt the light thud once more, "but nothing that hard. You told me about it when we skyped the other night."

Taking his eyes from my stomach, they met mine again and I gave him a watery smile, "I love you."

Holding my gaze firmly, he responded with an, "I love you too, Meredith," and his gaze morphed into a serious one as he continued, "God I wish I didn't have to leave."

"Me too," I sniffled, but smiled sadly at him.

"You know, I think Zola may already have more plans for the baby than the two of us combined. We went to get Bailey out of his crib this morning and she started asking where the baby in Mommy's belly was going to sleep," he said with a laugh.

Giggling with him, I retorted, "Maybe we should put her in charge of all of the planning. Bailey probably needs a big boy bed anyway, right?" I questioned biting my lip as Derek nodded in affirmation, "He's getting so big, Derek he's not really a baby anymore and Zola called me Mom the other day."

"I know, it's insane," he sighed, then his face lit up again and he swayed closer for a second, "Did I tell you that Zola wants a car?"

"A car?" I laughed, "Seriously?"

He nodded chuckled as well, "I asked her when I was doing her hair this morning, I said, 'Zola, your Birthday is soon, what would you like?' and she just sat there for a minute, then she looked at me- right in the eye- and she said, 'I would like a car.' I had no idea what to say! I don't even remember what I said, honestly, I was so surprised."

"I thought we had at least 10 years until we had to deal with that."

"It'll be here sooner than we know it."

A few seconds passed as we sat there, still entwined and stared into each other's eyes, any of the anger, resentment, doubt that had flooded our minds before was gone and in the moment, I knew that I had everything I had ever wanted, anything I had ever dreamt of having. I was so, so blessed.

My train of thought was derailed as Derek spoke up, "You know, it's Valentine's Day, we finally have time alone, and all we've talked about so far is the kids."

"Are you really surprised?" I laughed.

"I am! I was going to distract you for a while," he shrugged in defeat, before getting up off of the couch completely this time and lifting the bag to the table.

Pushing myself off of the couch, I went to stand next to him, attempting to peer into the bag, "So, Mr. Distractor-Extraordinaire, what did you bring along?" I questioned, fully expecting something cheesy and stupid that went against everything we had ever done on Valentine's Day. To my surprise, however, he reached into the bag and brought out a pint of both strawberry and coffee ice cream, sparkling cider, pajamas for each of us, and a pile of movies including 'The Breakfast Club' and 'Can't Buy Me Love', "Seriously?" I asked, raising my eyebrows toward him and smiling brightly.

"Seriously." He smiled back.

For the rest of the evening we laid in the bed of the trailer that held years of our early history in pajamas, we ate ice cream for dinner, reminisced, including the shower-sex days in the too-tiny-for-even-one-person shower, watched old movies, and talked about the kids, because in all honesty, no matter how hard we tried, it always came back to them. Not to mention, it was difficult to ignore something that was literally sandwiched between us.

**More MerDer Fluff! **

**Because in all honesty, that's all my mind wants to compute right this moment.**

**P.S. I'm too lazy to proof read more than once right now, so I may fix things later and refresh the chapter However, that may not be for a while so I figured I would shoot this out there now :)**

**I'm a little iffy about this chapter, considering it was written all in one night, on a school night none the less, so PLEASE review, let me know what you think, what you're looking forward to with this story and what you're not looking forward to in the actual show! **


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, I probably wouldn't be finishing this on Mother's day because I would have time earlier.**

**Author's Note: Ugh 11x21 was a struggle to get through there were individual scenes that I kind of liked, but everything was so choppy and just… not Grey's. I wish the show would have just ended, in a good place with no more death and less predictability. (Totally called the whole pregnancy story-line along with everyone else)**

**Anyway; chapter 11, holy crap. I didn't think that I would get to this point, I honestly thought I would stop at maybe 2 or 3 for my first time out.**

**Read, review, and enjoy! (I want to know what you want to read!)**

_Expect the unexpected. Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. You never know when the last time you seen someone will be THE last time. Life has a way of throwing curveballs whenever possible and it isn't until you've experienced one or two of them that you truly begin to understand: You have no control over any of it._

My wife is beautiful. She has been since the day we were just a girl and a guy in a bar, and she will, undoubtedly, be until the day she's 'old and smelly'. Though, physically, she is beautiful, there was a different kind of beauty that struck me at first. A beauty derived from, confidence, sincerity, sarcasm, and the look in her eyes that told me there were untold layers of beauty to uncover. From train-like snoring and childhood tragedy, to lavender and selflessness.

Not long after we had begun the second movie of the night, she had fallen asleep wrapped around me as I lay on my back with an arm around her waist and the swell of our baby supported by my abdomen, and I couldn't stop staring at her, from top (as far up as I could manage) to bottom. My mind had been drifting between memories and feelings non-stop and I had chalked it up to being in the trailer once more. Every place I glanced, though different now, held the same memories. Within, it held memories of sex marathons that occurred both on the bed and in the shower - most likely both- the time Meredith nearly burned down the place trying to make dinner, long hours of talking that led to knowing each other better than we had ever imagined, and fighting – specifically after she nearly drowned in Elliot Bay. On the outside, were memories of a ring that was batted into the woods and a deck covered in empty beer cans, the first time I had ever brought her here – afraid of what she would think of a world-class neurosurgeon living in a trailer in the middle of the woods, and the mornings spent in an attempt to teach her how to fish. There was so much history in such a small tin can and I treasure every moment that I was able to spend here with her. She's my best friend, the love of my life, and her beauty amazes me every day.

A loud ringing from the nightstand pierced my thoughts and caused Meredith to groan as I reached around her to grab it, "Shut it off."

"Go back to sleep," I whispered as I snatched the phone and rolled out from under her, exchanging my body for a pillow, only causing her to groan louder, "Derek Shepherd," I spoke into the receiver as I jammed the phone between my shoulder and my chin, slipping on my shoes and grabbing a jacket before heading out the door. As Dr. Vidrate from the board of my initiative began to speech urgently, I paced the length of the deck, "I'm not due back until Tuesday; is there any way you can hold off until then?" Running a hand through my hair slowly, I sighed, knowing that considering the threats I had (half-jokingly) handed out before leaving D.C., he wouldn't have called if he wasn't serious. Just as Dr. Vidrate finished urging me to return, I heard the trailer door open and turned to see Meredith, squinting sleep out of her eyes, hair all over the place, and wrapping her arms around herself as the cold night air hit tirade, "ok, ok, you know what? It's getting late here, I'll get back to with the specifics in the morning. Have a good day."

"What was that all about?" Meredith questioned in the midst of a yawn, leaning against the door frame and placing a hand over her stomach as it began to sprinkle.

Shoving my phone into the pocket of my coat, I walked up to her and rubbed my hands over her arms, feeling the goosebumps as they formed under her thin shirt, "Come on," I whispered as I grasped her hips and turned her into the trailer, shutting the door shut behind us, "You're freezing," I stated, smiling down at her and pulling her into a hug tightly.

Meredith didn't melt into me like she usually did, this time she stiffened and her voice grew louder and more demanding as she pulled away and crossed her arms over her chest defensively, "Derek," she gulped, "You're leaving already, aren't you?"

Sighing heavily, and rubbing a hand over my face I responded, "Probably, I told him I'd let him know by morning- Seattle time and unless I can come up with a way to fix the problem from here, I'll have to leave early, yes."

A pierced, angry look made its way on to her face, "God, Derek," she began, exasperated, "Are you sure you didn't marry the freakin' President while you were there?"

"Meredith," I forced.

"I don't… I don't want to hear it, ok?" she made her way around the trailer, to gather her things.

"Meredith, you know I don't like this anymore than you do, but it's only for a while longer," I pleaded, "They need me over there, and as much as I wish I didn't, I have an obligation to them."

"We need you here!" she snapped, as angry tears began to fill her eyes, "I can't keep doing this by myself, Derek. I'm so close to being burnt out completely and…" her breath hitched as she shoved her fingers through her tangled hair, "You have an obligation to us too you know, me and the kids. You have an obligation to your family too."

"I know, Meredith, trust me, I know, I hate living on the other side of the country and not here in Seattle with you and the kids, I hate watching my kids grow up through a computer screen. Every time I come home you're more stressed out, worn down and leaving you like that? Like this, it's killing me, Meredith," I retorted, watching as she plopped onto the bed and stared up at me with watery eyes, sniffling, "You hate me right now, I get that, and I deserve it, but I can't do anything about it, not now. Seven weeks, that's all I have left until I'm home for good, I promise."

Meredith shook her head and snorted, "Right, seven weeks," she replied, placing her hands on her thighs, locking her elbows, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath before releasing it.

Smiling sadly at her from a few feet away, hands shoved in my pockets, I responded, "Seven weeks, we can do it, Meredith."

"Can we just go home?" she asked in a broken voice, "Just take me home, please."

"We should wait until it stops raining, maybe even stay the night just to be safe," I quipped, knowing that she would protest, but hoping she would agree.

"I don't care about a little rain, Derek. I promised Bailey I would tuck him in, and Zola wanted to tell me a story before she went to bed. Plus, you should see them before you leave again." I watched as she shuffled toward the door to slip on her coat and shoes, throwing her back over her shoulder, "And I am not going to be the one to tell them," she muttered under her breath.

"Yes Dear," I conceded, groaning internally, quickly dumping the half empty ice cream containers and throwing the spoons in the sink, before grabbing the rest of my things and walking out behind her. We made the trek back home in silence.

* * *

Less than ten minutes later, we were walking up to the front door and could hear crying coming from the other side. Opening the door for Meredith, I allowed her to walk in first, fighting the urge to rub her back as I noticed her wince slightly and place a hand on it.

"Mama, Mama, Mama!" Bailey's tiny voice wailed as Cristina, who looked utterly annoyed, held him in her arms, pacing the living room.

"What's wrong baby?" Meredith cooed tossing her bag onto the chair and walking over to the pair and Bailey whined to her once more, stretching his arms toward her as far as he could. As I hung up my oat and kicked off my shoes, I watched her take him into her arms and hug him tightly to her chest, just above her bump, swaying back and forth as she whispered in his ear. Bailey's cries had lowered to whimpers and he snuggled as close to her as possible, shoving his face into her neck and clinging to her, "You really are a monkey boy, huh buddy?" I heard her murmur.

"Seriously?" Cristina cried, "An hour of crying and you shut him up in .5 seconds?!"

"He's a toddler, Cristina, they cry," Meredith chuckled, rubbing a hand up and down his back tenderly, "You just missed your Mama, right Monkey?" she received a tiny giggle in return as her fingers danced across his side.

From my spot at the kitchen counter, I moved my eyes from my phone, on which I was checking the emails I had gotten in the last few hours regarding the 'emergency' in D.C., to watch her walk toward his room.

"This is why I don't babysit, I don't do tiny drunk people!" Cristina called after her, "Alright McDreamy, spill. What'd you do this time?" she questioned, moving around the couch and taking a seat on the stool next to me, "Her eyes are red, her voice is scratchy, and she looks like someone whose puppy just got run over."

Chuckling slightly, I replied, "You know I think I might have missed you, not having someone constantly intervening was getting old," when she scowled at me, I gulped and continued, "I got a call from one of my colleagues while we were at the trailer, apparently there was some 'crisis' they won't fully disclose that I need to return immediately to tend to."

"You're gonna have a personal crisis on your hands if you don't fix things here, pretty quick," she snorted.

"I already have a personal crisis on my hands," I groaned loudly, "Which is why I've been trying to think of a solution that wouldn't require me to leave since I got the damn call, but I can't figure this fucking thing out if I don't have all of the information I need. The information that they 'can't give over the phone'." For the millionth time that night, I rubbed my hands across my face roughly, "I never should have taken this damn job in the first place."

"Well it's about damn time you realize it," she scoffed.

Angrier than before I replied, "This isn't an epiphany, Yang. I realized it months ago, but I can't get out of this damn contract!"

"Can't or won't?" she remarked pointedly, "You know you could, if you pushed hard enough. Find a reason they can't ignore, hell, tell them Meredith went into pre-term later and you have to stay home to take care of her and the kids."

"Don't even joke about that," I snapped, glaring at her, "Besides, how do you think I got them down from a year to 6 months?" I asked, flipping my phone around, "I told them my wife was pregnant and all they did was cut down my contract to I could be home by the time she was in her third trimester."

"So basically you're screwed." Cristina concluded, nodding her head and getting up from her seat to grab a bottle of wine.

"Well, when you put it that way, it makes it so much less frustrating," replying sarcastically

As I got adjusted and switched on the computer, I could hear Cristina rustling around in the kitchen, grabbing the corkscrew, a wine glass, and popping the cork, "You know," her voice came through, piercing the air, "Meredith is knocked up and all full of hormones right now, she'll calm down. Once the munchkins are in bed for the night, and she's had a chance to breathe, she…she'll clam down."

Sending a tired smile her way I replied, "I appreciate it, but I doubt it'll happen that quickly." Turning back to the glowing screen and scrolling through pages of flight options, within minutes I found one. It was expensive, not that I was expecting anything reasonable so last minute, but it took off at 10 am from SeaTac and there were limited lay-overs. As I purchased the ticket and had the information sent to my phone, I thought of Bailey and Zola, I had promised them a trip to the zoo tomorrow and Meredith had pulled some strings and gotten the day off to go with. How was I supposed to break another promise to Zola? How was I supposed to give Bailey one more reason to cling closer to Meredith? Hundreds of questions flew through my mind before I decided to go talk to Zola about tomorrow, Meredith hadn't come out of Bailey's room yet and I knew that Zola wouldn't let herself fall asleep without saying goodnight.

I made my way toward my little girl's room and stared at the letters gracing her door for the second time that day, before opening the door slowly.

"Mama?" came a tiny voice from the lump on her bed.

"It's Daddy, sweetie," I whispered as I made my way over to her bed, "Scoot over," I continued, watching as she giggled a little but moved over and allowed me to crawl in next to her.

"Daddy," she giggled, "You don' fit!"

"I do too," I replied with fake defiance, "So, listen, Daddy has to tell you something, Zo."

"Hmm?" she hummed in the way Meredith always says reminds her of me and curled into my side, resting her head against my chest and clenching my shirt in her hand.

"I know we talked about going to the zoo tomorrow, but Daddy has to go back to D.C. for a while," I whispered hesitantly, "Something big happened and they're keeping it a secret, they'll only tell me if I go back."

Zola sat up on her knees in front of me and pulled Gi-Gi into her arms, jutting her bottom lip out slightly, "But we was gonna see s'more Gi-Gis!"

"I know and we still can, just not tomorrow, ok?" My heart ached as I saw tiny tears begin to form in her eyes, "Zo-Zo," I said softly, "You know I love you a whole lot, right?"

"Yuh… ea," she sniffled, nodding her head, her flop of untamed hair moving with her, "but I weally don't like D.C. at all, Daddy."

My chuckle came out watery as I stroked her leg, "I don't either, I'll come home as soon as I can though, OK?"

"Ok," she said firmly.

"Hey," came a quiet voice from a silhouette at the door.

Zola perked up and turned around, "Mama! Bailey done cryin' yet?"

Meredith laughed and pushed herself off of the door-frame, walking toward us and sitting on the edge of the bed, "Yes he is, he was just tired," she finished with a smile as Zola crawled toward her and laid her head in her lap, right next to Meredith's tiny bump where, within seconds, Zola's head shot up again and she stared at Meredith's stomach.

"Was that my baby?" she asked excitedly, nearly bouncing causing Meredith and I to laugh.

"Yeah," Meredith began, bringing a hand to her stomach and motioning Zola with the other, "Come here, do you want to feel it again?"

Zola curled into Meredith once more, this time with both of her hands on her stomach and when she felt the thump again replied with a firm nod, "Bailey tired, but da baby not," the tail end becoming muffled as she yawned widely.

"Looks like someone else is tired too, huh?" I asked lightly, rubbing a hand up and down her back, "I think it's everyone's bedtime."

"Nuh-uh," she retorted, shaking her head just as another yawn erupted from her tiny mouth, clutching Meredith tighter.

"Yuh-huh," Meredith joined in, "Daddy's right, Zo, it's a big day tomorrow."

"But we not goin' to da zoo no more," she stated.

"We can still go we'll just have to go again when Daddy gets back."

"No," Zola whined, "I jus' wanna go with Daddy too, Mama."

I sighed heavily, "You don't have to wait for me you'll have fun Mommy and your brother." I watched closely as Zola huffed.

"Why don't we go to the park instead? That way we can still do something special but save the zoo for when Daddy comes home," Meredith bargained and surprised me by reaching over and rubbing my leg softly.

Zola's eyebrows cinched together as she contemplated the proposition for a moment, "Can I go down the big kid slide with Bailey?"

Meredith giggled, "Only if I'm at the bottom and you hold on tight," she said, rolling her eyes.

A large grin graced Zola's face, "Ok!" she replied loudly.

"But," Meredith began as Zola yawned yet again, "That means it's bedtime."

"For little girls with their mouths wide open," I added, reaching over and tickling her feet, eliciting a deep giggled, "Come here," I growled playfully, pulling her up the bed by her legs.

"Daddy! Mommy, save me," she giggled as I flipped her around, holding her over top of me at arm's length and bringing her down to kiss her nose, "Your face itchy," she remarked once she was finished flailing her limbs in the air, scrunching her nose.

I saw Meredith laugh from her spot on the bed before getting up, she reached over me, grabbed Zola and plopped her on her back softly, her head colliding softly with her pillow and as I climbed out of the toddler-sized bed, she pulled the covers up to Zola's chest, grabbed her Gi-Gi and smoothed back her hair, kissing her forehead, "Goodnight, Lovebug," I heard her whisper.

Zola smiled and snuggled into her soft blankets, "Night, Mama," she replied as I switched spots with Meredith to kiss Zola's cheek and whisper the same, "Daddy, you really gotta shave," she giggled through her sleepy haze.

Laughing, I followed Meredith to the door, "Love you Zo, sleep tight."

"Wuv," she whispered as I closed the wooden door.

After tucking Zola in together, Meredith went off to catch up with Cristina as I went toward the room, showered, dressed, and climbed into bed with some paperwork. Less than an hour later, the bedroom door creaked open slowly revealing a tired-looking, but still beautiful, Meredith. Glancing up from my paperwork I said, "Hey," tentatively, hoping that she wasn't about to kick me out of the bed.

However, she didn't look angry at all, she just looked sad as she responded with a quiet, "Hey," before moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to me.

"What's wrong?'' I questioned, looking up from the papers in my hands.

She took a deep breathe, tilting her head toward the ceiling for a moment before meeting my eyes, "I'm sorry," she began, her voice cracking slightly, "I was really hard on you earlier and I said some things I shouldn't have said. I know you care, Derek, and I know that you would do anything for me and the kids, I… I'm sorry that I made you into the bad guy. Because you aren't, you're really, really good and I know that you have worked really hard to get your contract shortened to what it is and you're stressed out and I'm not helping at all," her breathe hitched and tears ran down her face as she continued, "I… I'm really, really sorry."

I tilted my head slightly and smiled sadly at her, "Meredith… come here," I whispered, tugging on her hand and helping her lay down facing me, one arm on her waist to keep her steady, our faces inches apart, so close I could feel her breathing, "I love you," I said, leaning in and kissing her forehead, I took a deep breath and reveled in the scent of her lavender conditioner and wiped away a few tears before pulling away.

"I love you too," she croaked, her hand against my chest lightly as she picked at my shirt, "The last couple days have been really nice, almost like it used to be and I-I miss it, you," she shook her head, "I miss you a lot. I'm just not used to it, even now that you've been gone for a while, I'm not used to sleeping alone and getting the kids ready alone. I mean… I can do it without you and I've gotten pretty good at it, juggling everything, but I don't want to do it alone, I want you here, I always want you here," Meredith smiled tenderly before finishing, "Plus, you're the only person I can have my hormonal freak-outs on that won't yell back, run away, or make me cry so…" she laughed.

Chuckling with her, "Ooh, brownie points, I need some more of those. Want to freak-out right now?" I responded quickly, wiggling my eyebrows at her, eliciting another giggle and scrunch of her nose, mirroring Zola's earlier.

Meredith sighed, moved closer to me, so she could place her head in the crook of my neck, and closed her eyes, "What time are you leaving?" she whispered tentatively.

Leaning my cheek against the top of her head, I matched her volume, "My flight leaves at 10, so I have to leave here by 8 at the latest, I'm…"

Meredith cut me off abruptly and said, a little louder, "Don't you dare say you're sorry, it's my turn to feel guilty and say sorry."

I couldn't help but snort a laugh, "Is that how it works, we're taking turns now?"

"Yes," she said sternly, "You didn't do anything wrong, I knew that this could happen, but I got angry anyway. After all it's not your fault that you're superman," she finished with another roll of her eyes.

"Knight in Shining Whatever, we've been over this, Mer," I began, "I'm your Knight in Shining Whatever."

"You're gonna have a shiner in a second if you don't shut up," she retorted, smacking my shoulder."

"Oh no! Not the tiny ineffectual fists," I groaned dramatically, "However will I survive?" chuckling, I grabbed her hand as she went to slap me again and placed a kiss on her palm.

Meredith made a face, "You really do need to shave. See, this is why you need me, you probably walk around looking like a lumber jack in D.C."

"Meredith!" I laughed, "I'm a grown man, and I can shave without my wife."

"Right," she said, unconvinced with a small smirk, "Seriously though, how do you remember to shave when Zola and I aren't there to complain about your prickly kisses?"

"I don't, I just can't survive without out you," I sighed, "It's been proven, I fail to groom myself when you're not around."

"Well, at least I know that there aren't any lab assistants throwing themselves at your stinky, unshaven self," she confirmed.

"How did you come to the conclusion that I stink too?" I questioned, in an offended tone.

"You just said you fail to groom yourself!" she giggled.

Rolling my eyes at the top of her head and growling slightly, I wrapped my arm around her even tighter and pulled her flush against my chest, only to feel slight thuds from her stomach, "The baby is still kicking?"

She groaned into my neck, "She hasn't stopped since we were at the trailer."

"She so you think it's a girl?" I questioned with a smirk.

"I don't know, I'm testing it out, she'll probably be a boy in the morning." Meredith stated matter-of-factly.

"Hmmm," I hummed, "Do you want another boy or another girl?"

She was quiet for a moment, contemplating her answer, "I… I don't know. Honestly, I don't think I care, I'm just happy that we're having another one, plus we already have one of each so at this point either way it throws off the boy to girl ratio."

"Unless we're having twins."

"Take that back!" she nearly yelled, pulling away from me to look me in the eye "I do not want to shove two kids out of my body in the same day, Derek Shepherd." Laughter erupted from my gut once again, only making her angrier, "I'm serious, Derek, I'm nervous enough about having to do it once."

As my laughter died down slowly, I pulled at her to bring her closer again, but she simply glared and restrained, "You did great when you had Bailey, you're going to do fine, Meredith."

"That is so not the same, I had a C-section in the middle of a freakin' super-storm that turned into a splenectomy!" she replied urgently, "Oh my god, what if I fall down the stairs again and something happens to the baby?"

I watched as tears built up in her eyes, "Mer, that was a freak accident, it's not going to happen again. The baby is going to be fine, 5 months from now, we'll be in the hospital with 3 perfectly healthy kids, ok?"

"Promise?" she croaked.

"I will do everything I can to make sure nothing crazy happens, I can promise you that, but you know just as well as I do that I can't promise you anything more."

"Right, but every freak accident that ever could have happened has happened to us," she groaned.

"We have survived an unusual number of very bad things, but we're here, in this perfect house with 2, almost 3 perfect kids. So, just let it happen, whatever happens, we'll get through it, ok?" pulling her closer to me once more, this time without restraint from her, I kissed her deeply.

As we pulled apart she nodded, "Whatever happens, happens," and kissed me again.

"You know what should happen right now?" I whispered, "Make-up sex."

Meredith laughed and rolled on top of me, "Make-up cheeseburgers," she stated, "You need to practice saying that so you don't slip up in front of the kids."

"Fine,' I laughed, "Make-up cheeseburgers, which sound very fattening by the way."

"Shut-up and kiss me, health nut."

* * *

It was nearly 7:30 the next morning and after Meredith refused more se… cheeseburgers and threw the baby monitor my way, I threw on some clothes and made my way Bailey's room, snatched him from his crib, snuggling him close as he calmed down before moving toward his changing table to rid his bottom of the stink and change him out of his pajamas. Once we were finished, we moved to Zola's room, Bailey perking up as we heard Meredith and Cristina talking in the kitchen, "Mama 'ome," he babbled in my ear.

"Yup, Mama's home, buddy. Cristina's still here, too," I replied as we walked into his sister's room to find her sitting on the floor with GI-Gi, Ellie, and countless other stuffed animals lined up in front of her, talking away to them, "Hey Zo-Zo, it's time for breakfast, do you want to get dressed now or later with Mama?"

"Ummm," she thought dramatically for a moment, with a finger to her chin and her brow furrowed in concentration, "Right now!"

"Alrighty," I said, moving to her dresser, Bailey still sleepy and snuggled into my side with his head on my shoulder. As I began to look through her drawers and out an outfit together for the day, she interrupted me.

"Daddy," she said sternly, sounding just like her mother, "I can do it all by myself!"

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes," Zola rolled her eyes, "Go 'way."

Chuckling at her tone and eye rolling I out my hand up in defeat, "OK, just yell if you need help."

"I won't," she said assuredly. I watched for a moment as she hopped up off of the ground and bounded toward her dresser, looking through her clothes with determination and wondered how she had grown up so darn fast.

Walking out into the hallway, I looked down at Bailey and said, "Don't grow up, just be a baby forever, ok?"

He lifted his head up off of my shoulder and looked at me, "No baby," he said firmly, "Mama baby," he continued, pointing to his stomach.

"That's right, buddy. Mommy has a baby in her tummy," I sighed happily and smoothed my hand through his blonde head of hair, bouncing him up and down a little, eliciting a giggle.

We walked into the kitchen where Cristina was hovering over the coffee pot, seemingly urging it to brew faster and Meredith was setting a plate full of fruit and a sippy cup on Bailey's high chair. Meredith and I reached the highchair at the same time and I kissed her cheek and threw her a wink as Bailey reached out for her, "Mama!" he shouted.

"Hey Monkey, did you have a good night of sleep?" Meredith asked as she shifted him onto her hip to move his highchair tray to the side.

"Mama baby," Bailey nodded, reaching down to pat her stomach.

Meredith laughed, "Yup there's a baby in there; are you hungry?"

As she lowered Bailey into his highchair and slid the tray closed, I snatched a piece of toast from her plate and began to move toward the desk in the living room in search of my flight information, "Hey Mer, was my flight information on the counter this morning?"

"I didn't see anything," she replied, "Don't you usually send it to your phone though? Why do you need it?"

I listened to her reply from my perch at the desk, filtering through papers and taking small bites in between, "I was gonna leave it here for you, so you'll know when I take off and when I land, but I can't find it anywhere."

"Did you check the end tables?" she asked, "Or you might have shoved it in your pants last night," she concluded as she placed Zola's plate full of food and special cup full of milk on the counter before heading over to Bailey and wiping smashed fruit from his hair, "How did you get that there?" she muttered.

Huffing in defeat, I moved toward the kitchen once more, grabbing my coat from the back of the chair as Zola bounded around the corner and Meredith helped her up into her chair, "I've got to get going," I said, checking my phone and noticing I was already 5 minutes late. Moving over to Bailey quickly, I kissed his head, "See you later, Monkey, be good for your Mama ok?" I tickled him softly, eliciting a tiny giggle.

"Buh-bye," he giggled.

"Daddy, I need a huggy too!" Zola yelled from her chair.

I turned around and wrapped my arms around her tight from where she was kneeling on her chair, "I could never forget my princess," I whispered in her ear, "I love you, I'll talk to you tonight before bed, ok?"

Zola nodded before her eyes got wide, "Phone or 'puter?"

"I don't know, we'll have to see, ok sweetie?" I asked, kissing the top of her head, grabbing a strawberry from her plate and moving toward Meredith, who was looking more nervous than she had been 10 minutes ago.

"Call me right when you land, ok?" she asked, straightening the lapels of my coat, "From the plane if you can."

"I will," I said softly, smiling down at her.

"Promise?" she forced.

"I promise," I said looking at her with a concerned look, "What's wrong, Meredith?"

She bit her lip and looked me in the eye, "I just… I have a weird feeling and I… It's probably nothing, just morning sickness or something," she finished, shaking her head.

"Ok," I replied, worry lacing my voice, "I wish I had that paper for you, I have no clue where I put it, I guess I can just text it to you."

Meredith moved closer and ran her hands in and out of all my pockets, stopping at the back pockets of my jeans and squeezing for a second, "Oh, you wanna go again, huh?"

She rolled her eyes and shoved her hands into my coat pockets, I heard the crinkle of the paper as she pulled it out of my pocket and held it in front of my face, "What would you do without me?"

"Die, probably," I laughed slightly, "Best wife ever," I whispered.

I pecked her lips and drew her close before moving to the door as Cristina shouted, "I'd be surprised if your kids weren't scarred for life already!"

"Shut it, Yang!" I yelled over my shoulder.

"Daddy, dat not nice!" Zola scolded.

Cristina nodded at Zola, giving her a high-five, "You tell him munchkin."

Meredith laughed as she followed me to the door, "Hey," she said before I walked out, "I'd die without you too. I… I wish you didn't have to leave so soon, or I could go with you, or… I don't know, but I have to stay here."

I tilted my head, smiling at her, "You have to… stay here, don't move, wait for me," my smile grew and my heart swelled as she smiled back at me widely, I pulled her into a deep kiss before kissing her a couple more times

"Get a room," Cristina groaned.

"I built this house, you can leave," I said over Meredith's shoulder as I rocked her back and forth a couple times, "I'll be back before you know it," I whispered, kissing her softly again and walking out the door.

"You invited me, McDreamy!" Cristina shouted after me. As I closed the door and made my way to my car, I shook my head and chuckled to myself, wondering how I had gotten so lucky and in that moment I thought back to what Cristina had said last night, "Can't or won't. You know you could, if you pushed hard enough," was she right? Could I try harder? It wasn't a matter of whether or not Meredith and the kids were worth it, there was no doubt in my mind that they were more than worth it. I just knew, from experience, that being a presidential program, it was harder said than done.

_Life's ups and downs are what make it so rewarding, so frustrating, and so unreliable. No one knows what will happen in the next few months, days, or even hours. Nobody knows where they might end up. Nobody knows._

**This chapter was crazy long, like over 6,000 words and that probably will never happen again, but for now I hope you enjoyed it!**

**Thank you so much to those of you who have continuously read and reviewed, I appreciate it so much more than you know, so thank you. ****J**

**There will be a few more twists and turns in the next few chapters, I'm excited and I bet you are too, sorry if this story has been too anti-climactic. hahaha**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy: If I did, I would probably still be watching it.**

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry! I realize I left you guys with a pretty bad cliff hanger for an unreasonably agonizing amount of time and I am so very sorry. However, school is finally over and I no longer have to worry about those stupid exams, so I will have a lot more time to write for the next couple months. That also means that I may post a new story or one-shot along with this one, there are so many ideas floating around my head and stored in my computer that I don't even know where to start, so it may be a while for that, but until then, enjoy chapter 12. It's another pretty long one, so I hope your wait was worth it. :)**

**Read, enjoy, review, and remember… I love MerDer too.**

The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach ceased to let up as I watched Derek walk out the large wooden door. I had chalked it up to morning sickness in an attempt to keep him from worrying, but I knew he saw right through it, especially considering I told him at Joe's the other night that it had stopped completely. Now, nearly two hours later, I was standing at the bottom of 'the big kid slide' as Zola and Bailey sat at the top, Bailey snug in front of his sister, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist. Callie was standing a few feet away at the base of the latter that led up as Sofia began climbing it for her turn. It had worked out well that it was Callie's day with Sofia and she didn't have to be to the hospital until later that night, Zola was beyond excited to play with her best friend and it made it just a little easier to distract her from Derek being gone.

"Ready, Mama?" Zola yelled from above.

I smiled up at her and nodded, "I'm ready."

She continued to stare and asked, "You not gon' let us hit the ground?"

"Of course not, come on silly," I said tenderly.

"Go! Go! Go!" Bailey screeched happily, banging his legs against the slid.

Zola's smile grew wide as she slid off the small ledge and wrapped her arms even tighter around her little brother, they both squealed in delight as they zoomed down the tall, slightly winding slide. In a split second, they were at the bottom where I was crouched and ready to catch them. The giggly pair slid into my arms thud.

"'Gain, 'gain, Mama" Bailey squealed, using my shoulders as leverage to stand at the base of the slide before I held his hand, letting him jump off, Zola sliding off behind him.

"That was awesome! Ya gotta try it 'Fia!" Zola yelled up to her friend.

The three of them went down the 'big kid slide' at least a dozen times before we finally dragged them off to have lunch. We laid a blanket out on the grass and set out plates with PB&amp;J's, grapes, carrots, and juice for the kids. Zola and Sofia scarfed their lunches down quickly and ran into the field to do summer saults while Bailey stayed in my lap as I sat with my legs twisted like pretzels and ate slowly, leaning back on my stomach and sliding further down as the minutes passed. The little boy was obviously already worn out from trying to keep up with the girls and would surely be in need of a nap soon.

"So he just, left?" Callie asked as we talked about the events of the last few days.

I ran my fingers through Bailey's dark-blonde hair softly, "Well, he didn't really have a choice, he's at their beck and call until they let him out of his contract," I responded with a roll of my eyes.

"Hmmm," she mumbled, reaching over to grab a sliced grape that had made its way away from Bailey and hand it to him, "I'd be mad too."

"I… I'm not mad," I began, "anymore. I was at first, when he got the call because, you know… everything had been perfect for a few days, he was home, the kids were happy, Zola wasn't as much of a mini-teenager," I laughed softly, pulling Bailey to more of a sitting position so he wouldn't choke on his food, "So yeah, I was mad at first, but I don't know… he's been trying really hard to get home now that he has realized he doesn't want to be there and he's stressed enough already."

"Ok, so you're not mad at him… then why are you so tense?" Callie questioned, taking a bite of her sandwich, "You've been zoning out all day."

Sighing heavily, I shook my head, "I just… I have a feeling. You know… like the other shoe is about to drop or something," shaking my head once ore, I shrugged my shoulder, "It's probably nothing, except Derek hasn't called yet. I mean we aren't that couple that calls each other every 5 minutes, but whenever he flies, he calls me on his lay-overs or right before he takes off… and he hasn't," I rambled, "It's stupid, I know and I have no reason to freak out, because he flies all the time now and he won't even be in D.C. for a while yet."

"Meredith, I'm sure he's fine. Maybe his phone died and he left his charger at home, or he forgot and now he's in the air worrying about you worrying," Callie laughed, "When is he supposed to land in D.C?" she asked.

"4:00 I think."

"Perfect, so wait until… 5 and then start freaking out. If his phone is dead, it'll give him time to find one to use or charge his, but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about," she said softly, "Except maybe keeping that one awake until naptime," she finished, watching as Bailey shoved his food away and turned toward me, whining a little as he moved to sit on my leg and lay his head on my shoulder, clinging to me with a strand of my hair trapped in his fist.

Brushing a couple tiny strands of hair off of his face I giggled slightly, "Those girls really wore him out. You always have run right along everyone else don't you Monkey? Just like your Daddy," I finished softly, kissing the top of his head and hugging him close before looking toward Zola and Sofia to see them still playing happily "So," I began, remembering our recent get together at Joe's, "What happened with that guy you ran off with the other night? Have you seen him since?"

"Oh, yeah," Callie began, "a few times actually."

Looking toward her in confusion, I asked, "So, you and Arizona… you're done for good?"

An expression crossed her face that mirrored my own a minute prior before it was quickly replaced by one of realization, "Oh, Meredith, I didn't sleep with him!" she laughed, "He's just a friend. When I met him that night at Joe's that we danced for a while and before I knew it we started getting carried away and then I freaked out on him and told him I wasn't interested and I had just separated from my wife and a lot more that I shouldn't have said. He recently got out of a bad relationship and… I don't know, I guess we just… both needed a friend. So yes, we have been hanging out. Platonically."

"Wow," I said, furrowing my brow before laughing, "I read that very wrong. So, where does that leave you and Arizona?"

"Nowhere, I guess," she sighed sadly, "I know that I'm not ready to be in a relationship with her again, not yet at least. I just… I gave away so much of myself to be there for her and in order to be _with _her again I need to get that back. But, I'm not ready to move on and quite frankly, I don't know if I ever will be."

Smiling at her, I responded softly, "You don't have to be ok right away. If I've learned anything over the past 10 years it's that forcing things to go somewhere when you aren't ready, is never a good thing. You'll know, when you're ready… you'll know."

"Until then, I guess I'll just be doing a lot of dancing in my underwear," she chuckled, smiling brightly.

I laughed along with her as Zola and Sofia made their way toward us once more and picked at the bowl of grapes. We watched as the two little girls continued to play, even while snacking and listened to their conversation as I rocked Bailey back and forth, lulling the tired toddler to sleep. And for a few minutes, I forgot. I forgot about the worry and the fear that came with not hearing from Derek, but it wasn't long before the fear and worry crept back in and I couldn't help but I hope I would hear from him soon.

* * *

Not long after we had left the park for the day, I had gotten paged to the hospital. A plane had crashed on one of the busiest roads in Seattle. All I could think as I buckled the kids into their car seats and drove toward the hospital was that it was a sign, the other shoe was dropping.

Just a couple years ago, Derek and I had almost died in a plane crash and today, I still haven't heard from him and a plane just plummeted out of the sky. Working on patients had proved to be a good distraction, until I had nothing else to do, with one patient in CT, one good to go and on waiting on an OR, I suddenly found myself with plenty of time to feel every one of the emotions I had shoved down all day.

There was a vice around my throat and tears were threatening to fall as I moved to a supply closet and shut the door quickly. I slid to the ground, my back against the rack full of medical supplies, twisted my legs into a pretzel for the second time that day, and the dam broke open. My chest as heaving, my mascara was leaving trails down my cheeks, and my hands were clasped around my stomach tightly.

Suddenly, a memory of sitting in a supply closet much like the one I was currently in jumped to mind. It was years ago, when I was still an intern and Derek had chosen Addison. I had just lost a patient and was worried about my mother. Derek had found me sobbing on the floor of the closet and calmed me down. Only this time, Derek wasn't there, I had no idea where he was or even if he was okay, and I couldn't help but veer right back to that train of thought. My breathing was becoming more ragged by the second until I was nearly hyperventilating and all I could think was that I wanted Derek, that I needed Derek.

_'Slow down… slow down… slow down,"_ he had whispered to me that day as he crouched by my side,_ "Slow... slow deep breathes, slow deep breaths."_ In that moment I could hear his voice and almost feel him sitting next to me, holding my hand tightly. The memory played through my mind like a broken record and as I hung onto the mere memory of Derek's words, my breathing slowed nearly as quickly as it had escalated until only sniffles and slight gasps filled the tiny, quiet room.

Leaning back against the rack, I took one final deep breath, closed my eyes, and tilted my head toward the ceiling, rubbing circles on my stomach before whispering, "He'll be ok, he's ok, your Daddy is going to be fine," into the empty expanse.

The sound of the door clicking open snapped me from my revere, "Oh! I'm sorr...Meredith? Is that you?" Amelia's voice pierced the small room, "Are you ok?" she continued, inching closer.

I reached to wipe my eyes quickly, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I croaked, lifting my eyes to meet hers and sending what I hoped would be a reassuring smile her way.

"You don't look fine," she stated, moving to sit next to me. For a few moments we sat in silence as I finished calming myself down. Amelia sat with me, not saying a word, not touching me, just sitting with her back against the rack, her knees up and her arms resting on them.

"I haven't heard from him," I began, my voice catching slightly as I attempted to clear the remainder of the tears from my throat, "and I just… there was a plane crash and the last time there was a plane crash my sister and his best friend died. I… I have a feeling. That feeling I get deep in my gut that tells me something's wrong and the kids are fine, my patients are fine, but I have no clue where Derek is and…" I stopped mid-sentence and shook my head, letting out a throaty chuckle, "God, I sound like a crazy person, don't I?"

Amelia smiled at me softly, "You don't sound crazy. You sound like someone who's made it through a lot of crap. It's ok to be scared, it doesn't make you weak to cry because something bad might have happened to your husband. Bad things happen all the time, you and I… we have both seen a lot more of the bad in our lifetimes than most, it makes you cautious… it makes you afraid," she reached out and squeezed my hand, "Look, I can't tell you that Derek's ok, because he might not be, but I can tell you that if he is out there somewhere and he's hurt, I will do anything and everything I can to help him."

Smiling back at her with new tears forming behind my eyes I replied, "I know. Thank you, Amelia. Really, for everything… being here now and helping with the kids while Derek was away, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

She just shrugged in reply, "It's what sisters do," she whispered with a smile as she got up off of the floor and held out a hand to me, "Come on, let's go see your kids," she finished with a chuckle as she helped me hoist myself off of the ground. However, just as we reached the door, a loud beeping pierced the room and our eyes darted to our respective pagers, "It's mine," Amelia concluded, "911, ER. You'll be ok?"

I shook my head, laughing slightly and brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "Of course, I liked your idea of seeing the kids, I think I'll head up there real quick before my patient's out of CT."

Amelia shot a smile in my direction as she reached for the door knob once more, this time turning it completely and pushing the door open. Just as I moved to follow her out, she turned a bit, "For what it's worth; he's my brother. I'm worried too," she whispered, and the pools of blue that filled her eyes glistened with sadness, before she was out the door and sprinting down the hall.

Pausing for a moment and absorbing Amelia's truthful words then shutting the door to the supply closet, I made my way to the daycare. Once there, I paused yet again and peered through the large windows. I saw Zola sitting at a round table covered in crayons and multi-colored paper with Gi-Gi in her lap and Sofia at her side as she worked with her best friend on a drawing, then shifted my gaze back and to the left to find Bailey toddling around with two red blocks locked in his grasp. He plopped down in front of a pile and stared at them intently before snapping a few together, and then a few more until he had a large tower and an even larger smile.

"What are you doing?" a voice interrupted my daze, causing me to jump a little.

Snapping my head to the side, I saw Callie standing next to me and with my hand still against my chest I responded, "God, you're everywhere."

"I work here," she laughed, "and my daughter happens to be in there next to yours."

"Sorry, I was just… thinking, I guess," I apologized with a sigh.

"Still haven't heard from him, huh?" she asked as she turned to face the window in front of us much like myself.

"Not a word," I muttered indignantly.

As Zola and Sofia finally lifted their heads, we could see their mouths move as they shouted, "Mama!" simultaneously, smiles broke out on both of our faces and I waved, moving to walk into the room. As Callie and I crouched down by our girls and took a look at their picture, she smiled at me sadly, most likely noticing I had spaced out for another quick second, "5 o'clock, Mer."

"5 o'clock," I sighed.

After visiting the kids, Callie and I went our separate way for the second time that morning and from then on, time seemed to fly by for the most part. Somehow I had found myself working in the ER and my day was quickly filled with routine neural exams, stiches, staples, splints, and ultrasounds; all things I would normally dread, however I realized quickly that the fast pace of the ER and immediate need to think on my feet was exactly what I needed to distract me, it left no time for any thoughts not pertaining to the human anatomy. The problem however, came when the ER finally slowed down and I was able to leave. A part of me hoped to God a massive casualty would roll through those large doors any second, but the other part knew that there was only so long I could keep avoiding.

The uncomfortable feeling in my gut returned as I treated my last patient of the day and ceased to vacate as I went to pick of Zola and Bailey and we made our way home. It remained as I corralled them into the house and removed their coats and shoes prior to watching them make their way to the 'tea party table'. It remained as I removed my own coat and shoes, unpacked the diaper bag and filled it with essentials for tomorrow. Still, as I moved to the kitchen, deciding that we could all use a Princess Tea Party, to grab apple juice and chocolate chip cookies, my gut remained clenched. Later on, when Amelia had come home for the night and taken the kids out to play so I could do some research, the feeling was still there.

That's where I was when I glanced out the window to check on Amelia and the kids only to find her talking to two men in uniforms as blue and red lights flashed behind them. From the moment my gaze reached Amelia's face and our eyes locked through the window, I froze. _He's dead. I knew it. I knew something was wrong._ I couldn't bring myself to move and it wasn't until Amelia had left the kids with one of the officers outside and made her way to the front with the other before opening the door and walking into the house that I could bring myself to speak, "He's dead, isn't he?" I asked, my voice catching as my eyes began to sting and a lump the size of a softball formed in my throat.

"He's not dead, Mer," Amelia responded, moving over to me quickly, sitting next to me and placing a hand on my knee, "He is in a hospital and he's in critical condition, but he's hanging in there."

It took me a second to process the information, but once I did, I closed the laptop and notebook on the coffee table in front of me calmly, stood up calmly and looked the officer in the eye, "Do you know anything… about his condition."

"Last I was informed, he was intubated and hadn't regained consciousness since his surgery," the man replied in a gruff voice, "If you come with me, you can see him."

"Ok," I said quickly, as I swallowed back the tears threatening to escape and turned to Amelia, "You're coming with me," I demanded, remembering what Derek had told me back when we first met, on the day I had worn the same leopard-print flats as a comatose patient who had been raped, _'You know I know I have four sisters?'_ he'd said, _'Very girly…tons of kids. If I was in a coma, they'd all be here…I'd want them here.'_

"I… I should stay with the kids. Someone needs to stay here with them," she responded with sadness lacing her voice.

"No," I said urgently, "We'll take them with us, he wants you there… trust me," I finished with a whisper, placing a hand on my stomach and rubbing it gently as I felt the baby continue to kick. Usually by this time in the afternoon, the kicking had stopped for the most part, but it hadn't let up all day and I knew it had to do with my being stressed out. Knowing Derek, was alive, though somewhat relieving didn't help that. He could be in a coma, he isn't dead, but he could be soon.

"OK," she replied softly, before glancing down at my hand and frowning slightly, "Is everything ok, are you cramping? Do you feel sick?"

"The baby's fine," I attempted to smile, "just kicking like crazy. I'll go grab Bailey and Zola, can you get their stuff?" I asked, moving, in a daze to the front door and shoving my coat and shoes on, grabbing my bag quickly in an attempt to get to the kids as fast as I could. Because I felt a sudden need to hug them close and keep them there, I wanted to protect them, all three of them. I never wanted them to experience the pain of losing their Dad in the way that I did, let alone in the way Derek had and though I didn't know much about his condition, my chest was heavy with dread and I couldn't help the tears that stung my eyes.

Once we reached the tiny hospital virtually in the middle of nowhere, Amelia stayed with the kids for a few minutes to get them situated with the social worker and I followed closely behind the officer and nurse as they lead me to Derek's room.

"Here you go Mrs. Shepherd," the nurse spoke softly, "Now before you go in there, I want you to prepare y…"

"I'm a doctor, Dr. Grey," I interrupted sharply, "I know what to expect, trust me. I've given that speech you're about to give about a million times, so could we please just skip the formalities? I want to see my husband," as I finished my tirade, the nurse nodded with a melancholy look gracing her face, which only made my blood boil. She was looking at me like my husband was dead and he was not dead.

Despite all I had just said to the nurse I hadn't bothered to learn the name of, despite the countless times I had seen individuals in the same position, seeing Derek lying there with tubes and wires surrounded him, a large abrasion on his cheek and a pale complexion, was enough to cause the tears of fear I had been holding back the whole way here to form tracks down my face. Moving slowly, I made my way to the hospital bed, dropped my bag down by the chair next to it and shrugged off my coat before laying it over top and sitting on the edge of the bed carefully. I reached through and around the trails of wires to grab his hand tightly and leaned closer to brush his cheek with my free hand, "I'm here, Derek," I choked, "You're gonna… be ok. Amelia's with me and the kids, we're waiting for you," I finished and moved the hand I was holding to lay on top of my stomach where the baby was diligently kicking, still clutching it tightly, "we're all waiting for you," I finished with a whisper.

"The kids are asleep," came Amelia's monotone, slightly scared voice, "I… uh. I called my mom… she's calling the sisters and flying out as soon as she can," she gulped heavily and moved closer to the foot of the bed.

"Thank you," I replied, keeping my position save for rotating my head to make eye contact, "Come here, sit on the other side of the bed," I continued, reaching out for her hand with the one that wasn't grasping Derek's, "He needs all the support we can give him right now, and it looks like you do too."

Amelia nodded her head in agreement, and I watched her face begin to crumble slightly as she continued to look at her brother, "A… after everything that… that's happened, I never th... thought I would be seeing Derek in a hospital bed," she sighed, wiped away a tear, and smiled at me sadly, "He's supposed to be invincible, he's supposed to be the man who doesn't die on me. He's… he's supposed to be Superman."

"Knight in Shining Whatever."

"What?" she questioned.

I smiled slightly, turning my head back toward sleeping Derek's form, "It's… kind of an inside joke, I guess. It started a long time ago and well… it's a long story, but the moral of it is, he thought I was trying to drown myself in the bathtub, pulled me out, I got mad and told him I didn't need a 'Knight in Shining Whatever', and it… just kind of stuck. I get it."

Amelia sniffled next to me and chuckled dryly, "God… I'm sorry. Your husband was just in a car accident and I'm crying all over you."

"Well, your brother was just in a car accident and I'm crying all over you," I quipped, "So, I'd say we're even."

She smiled at me again and for a few minutes we sat in silence before she spoke up once more, "Meredith?"

With a yawn, I replied, "Yeah?"

"Could you… you can," frustrated, she sighed and pulled a hand through her hair, just like Derek does. Did? Does? "Call me Amy."

Shocked, I remained frozen for a moment, she doesn't let anyone but Derek call her Amy, as far as I know not even her sisters, "Ok," I replied, smiling at her when suddenly, I felt Derek's hand shift out of mine and watched as he groaned and began to squirm a little before his eyelids fluttered, "Amelia... Amy," I said urgently, "Get the nurse."

As his eyes began to open progressively wider, I shifted off of the edge of the bed and walked toward his head, brushing my hand through his hair smoothly, "it's ok, Derek, calm down, you'll be ok. They'll take the tube out in a minute," I was pushed to the side as Amy came back into the room with the nurse and a doctor in tow.

I watched closely as they took the tube out and Derek coughed, he was alive, he was breathing, but then he looked at me with a perplexed look on his face then back and forth between me and Amy, before settling on his sister, "Amy," he croaked, "wh..who's that?"

**I have a plan for this story and I can guarantee that it ends with MerDer intact! **

**I've actually had a Derek-with-memory-loss story, just a chapter of one, saved on my computer for at least a year and I was stumped on how to move into it smoothly, but once I came across it recently, I knew it was the direction this story should go.**

**Do you prefer shorter chapters more often or longer chapters less often? I personally love reading long chapters, so that's what I've tried to do with this story, but I may consider shortening them if you would prefer. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer; I do not own Grey's Anatomy, if I did, I wouldn't have nearly enough time to write this and have a logical excuse as to why I haven't updated in weeks, months maybe. :/**

**Author's Note: I honestly thought that with summer here and school gone for now, I would have updated at least a couple times by now, maybe even finished it. But as it turns out, I have been pretty unmotivated and stumped by how to portray MerDer in this situation and I was all around pretty busy for a couple of those weeks I went AWOL. Anyway; I'm sorry this has taken so long, but it's a pretty lengthy chapter and I hope it was worth the wait!**

**Read, Review, and hopefully enjoy. ****J**

_Time is an interesting phenomenon; and it's an important one. If you're early to work or school, you're on good terms with the head honcho, you're ahead of the game, you're prepared. If you're on time, you're average, you're leaving room for error; you're not late yet but you're not early either so if anything happens, you have no time to waste. If you're late, you're not trustworthy, you've failed to plan, and you've allowed an error to slip through the cracks. As a surgeon, time has even greater importance; sooner and the patient could have been fine, later and the patient would have died, in between and they'll suffer minimal to severe damage. Are you strong enough? Are you strong enough to carry the life of an individual on your shoulders, rarely knowing if you've acted in time?_

My heart sunk into my gut while I watched and listened as Derek turned to Amy and asked him who I was, for a moment my breath was caught in my throat, where a thick ball was forming as I kept my tears at bay, "It's me Derek. I'm Meredith; I'm your wife," I spoke softly, removing my hand from his hair and setting it on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to look at me once again and winced in pain from the movement. I was ushered out of the way by the Doctor and nurses as they attempted to begin their work up, Derek's confusion laced eyes following my form as I inched away from the bed in shock. It wasn't until I felt her arm reach around my shoulders that I noticed Amy was by my side, but when I did, I ripped my gaze from Derek's to look her in the eye. I didn't know what to say and when I opened my mouth nothing but a quiet sob came out. Amy reached with her other hand to grab mine and gave it a firm squeeze as if to say, _'We'll figure this out. Everything will be OK. Breathe, Meredith." _ Nodding toward her marginally, I swallowed my tears and the sobs threatening to escape between my lips, before looking back toward Derek.

My heart only wrenched more as I took in the look of pain on his face as the doctor flashed the pen light across his field of vision and asked him questions, something he had done with patients himself countless times. The look of pain only intensified as a nurse lifted his broken leg and threw a pillow under it, "Either give him something for the pain or stop manhandling him, will you?" I snapped, and in that moment it was as if something had clicked in my head and I jumped into protection mode.

I shifted out of Amy's hold and moved toward the doctor, who had turned to say something to me, "He needs to be transferred to Grey-Sloan Memorial," I said softly, knowing that Derek was definitely experiencing sensitivity to sound given his injuries.

With an irritated look, the young doctor replied, "Mrs. Shepherd, I'm sorry but he's too unstable to be transferred, we are perfectly capable…"

"It's Dr. Grey, not Mrs. Shepherd!" I snapped quietly, "And don't you dare give me a speech about how damn capable you and your staff are, because I know for a fact that you're nowhere near as well trained as the doctors at my hospital. If he had been taken there, he wouldn't be suffering from retrograde amnesia or episodic memory loss, because the doctors, the _well trained_ doctors, would have gotten him a damn CT the moment he was wheeled in and the nurses wouldn't be causing him more harm than good."

Now angry, the doctor responded, "Dr. Grey, your husband was in a major car accident, you should be thankful he's alive."

"And you should be thankful I'm just asking you to have him transferred and not suing you for malpractice," I snapped, "Give him some good pain medication and leave. I'm going to call and have them get a bed ready for him and by the time I'm done, you better have some papers for me to sign," with that, I turned on my heel and walked out the door, grabbing my phone from my back pocket as I shut the door behind myself.

After my conversation with Owen, I couldn't bring myself to walk back into Derek's room just yet. I just didn't know how to face him or act around him, knowing that he had no clue who I was. So, I wiped the tears that had collected on my cheeks from making arrangements with Owen, and sniffling once more before lowering myself into one of the chairs lining the wall beneath the window, cradling my stomach and glancing down at it as I felt the baby kick, "It'll be ok, your Daddy will be just fine," I whispered obviously more for my own benefit than the growing fetus who couldn't hear me. But it wasn't ok, nothing was. My husband didn't know who I was, Derek didn't know who I was or who his kids were. _What if he thinks he's still married to Addison? How am I supposed explain to Zola and Bailey that their Daddy doesn't know who they are? What about our baby? ____What about us?_

Question after question and what if's galore had my mind racing and my heart skipping, so much so that I didn't notice the door to Derek's room open, as Amelia… Amy stepped out and took a seat in the chair next to me until she placed a hand between my shoulder blades lightly and spoke softly, "He's sleeping, the medication finally kicked in and those nurses have been gone for a while, that helped."

With watery eyes, I met Amy's gaze and nodded slowly, "Owen said he would make sure they had a room ready for him whenever we can get him there, and I'm officially on emergency leave, not sure how I feel about that yet."

"OK," Amelia replied, "Good, the staff here just doesn't compare," she replied softly, "You may have just Medusa-ed that kid out of medicine, which wouldn't exactly be a bad thing. If the nurses here are anything like the ones at Grey-Sloan, everyone will know who you are by the time we get Derek transferred," she laughed.

She was trying to make light. _That's why she's my favorite Shepherd-Sister, _I thought as I laughed along with her, "Poor kid."

"You should have seen Derek's face when you ripped into him," Amy began again, "I think he might have smiled, but I'm not sure; it was half grimace. If you're trying to make him fall in love with you all over again, I think you're succeeding."

Shaking my head slightly and laughing a little, I replied, "How is he? He wasn't in pain for too long, was he?"

She smiled, "He's doing fine, all things considered. I think his vision was a little blurry and they made him sit up for a minute and that made him really dizzy; he threw up a couple times after you left, but those nurses got him some drugs really damn fast after you snapped, so it wasn't long before he could succumb to sleep. I don't think I've seen them move that fast since I got here," she reported.

"Good," I sighed, as I continued to rub my stomach, "That's good. I shouldn't have left, I mean… yes I did need to call Owen, but a part of me just…"

"…couldn't be in there anymore," she finished, "I know, and you don't have to apologize, those pregnancy hormones would have just made you cry and probably make him even more confused anyway."

"Shut-up" I said jokingly.

Amy glanced at my stomach, most-likely noting my hands and asked, "How's the baby doing?"

Smiling down at my belly slightly, I responded, "Good, I think. He's kicking like crazy."

"Well you're emotions have been a rollercoaster," she stated bluntly, "Maybe he's worried about you. It would be fitting if he is a boy; he'd be just like his Daddy; always worrying about Mommy."

"Except that Derek won't worry anymore," I sniffled as my eyes moistened yet again, "You know, it's funny, I always get mad at him for hovering. But now? I really wish he was here to hover."

"He is here Meredith, and I'm sure that if he doesn't get his memory back, he'll learn to hover soon enough," she whispered, rubbing my shoulder, "But, until then," she continued in a brighter voice, "I'd be happy to fill in, besides, once Mom get here she won't let you lift a finger, trust me" she winked.

"Yippee," I faux-cheered.

"I… uhh, Dr. Grey?" came the voice of the young doctor who was on Derek's case, "I have those transfer papers for you to sign," he shifted back and forth on his feet uncomfortably in front of us.

Smiling lightly, I grabbed the clipboard and pen, flipping through the paperwork and signing where needed before handing it back, "Thanks, Dr. Mathews."

Dr. Mathews smiled back and nodded, "He'll be in route within the hour."

By the next morning, Derek was in a VIP room at Grey-Sloan Memorial. Amy had run another CT in order to keep an eye on swelling in his brain and ensure there was no further need for surgery. Callie had done a once over on his leg and double checked the work of the other doctors; it was determined that after 6 to 8 weeks of healing, he should have no further problems. Bailey ran tests to assess the extent of his internal injuries, which she determined were going to heal nicely. Cristina ran stress tests amongst others to determine how well his heart was holding up; he passed with flying colors. All in all, the prognosis was promising and though he would most definitely experience pain and discomfort, he would make a full recovery.

I was on autopilot, doing what needed to be done to make Derek comfortable and make sure he was ok… at least physically. Amy had run home early this morning and picked up a supply of clothes and necessities for myself and the kids and had gotten us a suite at the hotel just around the corner from the hospital.

After getting Derek settled, I made my way down to the daycare to see the kids, who were oblivious to the whole situation. Zola being 5, she was suspicious and I knew she would ask questions and Bailey was just happy to be eating and playing wherever that may be. I spotted both kids as soon as I walked through the doors and it wasn't long before Zola saw me too, bringing my presence to the attention of her (not so) baby brother, "B! Mama's here," she shouted, shooting up from her spot on the floor where she had been playing blocks with her brother.

As I walked toward them, I watched Zola halt on her feet and hold a hand out to Bailey, whose eyes were red and puffy from crying and my heart lurched in my chest. Kneeling down in front of Zola, I wrapped one arm around her, pulling her snug against my side and used my other arm to pull a now smiling Bailey onto my lap (As far as I could manage with my growing stomach), "Hi guys," I whispered, "I missed you so much last night."

Zola wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and whispered back, "We misseded you too Mommy. Bailey as cryin' 'cause… he wanted you, but den I played blocks with hims and he was all better," she nodded in affirmation.

"Good job, Zo. You're such a good big sister," I said, brushing my nose with hers and smiling at her cheekily as I rubbed Bailey's back, "Why don't we go and give you two some baths and eat, then Mommy has to talk to you about something, ok?"

"Ok! I wanna grilled cheese!" Zola exclaimed excitedly.

Bailey just grunted, "Mama come," and snuggled even closer.

I released Zola from my grasp, moved Bailey to my hip and hoisted myself off the floor, with much more struggle than I'd care to admit and kissed the boy's little blonde head before whispering in his ear, "I'm not going anywhere."

Reaching my hand to Zola, who was finishing putting the blocks away, I said, "Come one Sweetie, let's go grab your stuff," and lead her to their cubby, grabbing their things, putting on coats sand shoes, and then moved to check them out.

As we made our way out of daycare and through the lobby, Cristina came up to us from behind, "Hey, Shepherds," she shouted.

I turned toward her, shifting the diaper bag further onto my shoulder as Zola released my hand, "Auntie Cris! You're still here!" she shouted.

"Of course I am, Munchkin. You didn't think I would leave without saying good bye, did you?" as Cristina questioned Zola, I took in the bags over her shoulder and the suitcase at her side. She was leaving. Derek, my husband just got in a car accident, almost died, and doesn't remember us… and she's leaving.

"Mama! Go home," Bailey whined in my ear as he grasped the edge of my shirt right above my breast, I shifted him to the front of my body, so he was propped up by my bump and could snuggle his head into the crook of my neck while watching Zola show Cristina her new Barbie doll.

Swaying back and forth to soothe Bailey, who was very obviously ready for his nap, I interjected, "We need to get going Zola, your brother needs a nap and the two of you need some lunch," I said, attempting to brighten my voice, "Say goodbye to Cristina," I finished, through gritted teeth, looking pointedly at her suitcases.

"Meredith," Cristina sighed.

"We really need to go," I spoke sharply, "I'll call you when I can," Zola yelled goodbye to Cristina as I grabbed her hand met her toothy grin with a smile of my own, the first true smile of the day, because even though I had every reason to sit down, stop moving forward, and cry, I didn't. Zola, Bailey, and this baby were my biggest reason to keep going, to forget for a moment that Derek was upstairs in a hospital bed with no memory of us. Every toothy grin, every kick and roll, every kiss and hug, and even every whiny 'Mama' made me smile; they're my reason. I walked out of the hospital happy to have my kids with me, sad to be without Derek, and angry that Cristina was leaving. The rational part of me understood that just because my life was in a sort of shambles in this moment, doesn't mean that everyone should drop everything to help. I don't expect that from anyone… but she's my person or she was at some point. But, now? She has no obligation to stay, because she isn't my person anymore… my true person, my only person, my forever person doesn't know who I am.

"Good job, Zo," I remarked as I unlocked the door to our hotel suite and she lugged the diaper bag she had insisted on carrying through the door, "You can leave it there, I'll pick it up later, ok?" I asked, ruffling her greasy hair. Last night was bath night. So, today is bath day.

"Good golly!" she shrieked while wiping her brow as if there were sweat drops forming, "That sure was a load 'o stuffs."

"Shhh," I chuckled, "Don't wake up your brother," I said as I shoved my shoes off and maneuvered out of my coat.

Turning to face me quickly, her face full of sheepish guilt, "Sorry, Mommy," she whispered loudly, "Why we not at home, 'gain?"

"I'll tell you in just a little bit, but for now, why don't you go find a cartoon, I'm gonna lay Bailey down and then I'll make you some lunch and we'll talk, ok?"

"OK, Mama," Zola spun around again and bolted down the short hallway to the center of the 'living room', "Gammy!" I heard her shout, "What doin' here?!"

"Zola, oh my, look how big you've gotten!" came the soft, sweet voice of Carolyn Shepherd.

When I rounded the corner and looked into the tiny kitchen, where Carolyn and Zola were, I'd imagine shock was evident on my face.

"Mama says I gwoin' like a weed!" Zola shouted, continuing the conversation with her grandmother as they parted from their hug.

Once Carolyn was standing up straight once more, our eyes collided and she smiled, a smile that I had only ever given before, but never received. One of sadness, happiness, love, and support all at once; the smile of a mom, "Mrs. Shepherd," I stated, my voice laced with surprise.

For a moment, she turned away from me, grabbed a plate that seemed to hold a sandwich, something green and some strawberries from the counter near here and crouched down, handing it to Zola, "Sweetie, why don't you take this and go watch something, like Mommy said. You two can talk in a little while."

"Ok, Gammy," Zola replied happily and moved toward the couch, careful not to spill her food. She looked me in the eye quick, and gave me another wide, toothless smile that made my heart flutter.

"Meredith, dear. Call me Carolyn," she said tenderly as she made her way over to me and a still-conked out Bailey, pulling us both into a hug. I wrapped my free arm around her slowly, I still couldn't believe she was here, or how she got in. She spoke again as she pulled away, rubbing my arm softly; motherly, "Amelia picked me up from the airport before stopping at your house, which I must say is stunning, you kids did a wonderful job. She gave me a key before heading back to the hospital to sit with you and Derek. I hope you don't mind, I grabbed a few things from your house, to make it more comfortable, and Amelia helped me move everything from your refrigerator at home, we grabbed some things from the store, so you should be all set."

My chest eyes were burning, my chest was tight, and a thick ball was forming in my throat as I attempted to keep tears at bay for the millionth time in the last 24 hours, "You… you didn't have to do that, any of that, thank you," I whispered, hugging Bailey's sleeping form closer to me, swaying slightly, and rubbing his back.

Carolyn smiled at me again, "Nonsense, Dear," she said, "I'm a mother, it's what we do. Look at that boy," she continued softly, "He's so grownup, and he looks just like you."

A small, wet laugh escaped my lips, "Derek says that too, but I think he looks just like him," I said glancing down my baby boy.

"He's the perfect combination," she affirmed, gazing at Bailey.

I sniffled a little and shifted, "I should go lay him down, as much as I love holding him, my arms are killing me and I really have to pee," I giggled, semi-awkwardly.

"Of course, dear," she replied tenderly, "I set his crib up in your bedroom, through that door," she replied, pointing toward one of the three doors to my right.

"Thank you," I said softly as I made my way to the room. The sound of Zola's TV show echoed in the background as I pushed the door open. A picture frame on the bedside table caught my eye immediately and I placed Bailey into his porta-crib softly, tucking his blanket around him and placing his monkey by his side, kissing his head before moving look at it. It was the picture Derek kept on his nightstand at home, of a younger Zola in a baby swing at the park near the hospital. Right next to it was the picture I kept on my nightstand, of myself, Derek and Zola in the old house on an early Valentine's Day morning. I allowed a couple tears to roll down my cheeks as I stroked Derek's form on the picture, the Derek who knew everything about me… my Derek.

_"Listen," Lexie began as we walked back into the house, half listening, "I can babysit tonight if you guys need some time to…yourselves. 'Cause I have uh no plans, my life I empty. Alone with no plans what-so-ever."_

_"That's great," Derek replied as he walked past her and into the kitchen, while I placed a still pajama-clad Zola into her highchair._

_"Are you ready for breakfast, Zo?" I asked the baby, who responded my slapping her hands against her tray with a cheesy smile, "You are too cute," I spoke softly, kissing her head and moving into the kitchen where Derek was cutting up strawberries and grapes, while waiting for her rice cereal to warm up. I heard Lexie sit down at the table with her coffee and begin talking to Zola while I walked up behind Derek, wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed his back through the soft fabric of his t-shirt._

_"Hey," he responded in his gruff morning voice, moving a hand away from the fruit for a moment to rub my arms, before placing it back and swaying back and forth, taking me with him as I pressed my cheek against his back._

_Placing a kiss in the same spot once more, I moved away from him and walked toward the coffee maker, we shared a smile as I reached into the cupboard and grabbed two coffee mugs, "Stop looking at my ass," I smirked, turning to place the mugs on the counter and fill them to the brim._

_Derek scoffed, caught red handed and replied, "I was not looking at your ass."_

_"Whatever you say, Perv," I replied, placing a mug next to his nicely chopped fruit, kissing his cheek, and grabbing a hand full of strawberries and grapes to deposit on Zola's tray before I sat down._

_"I've officially been surrounded by your porniness three times just this morning, can it stop now?" Lexie groaned from the table._

_"'Top!' Zola shouted from her highchair._

_"Thank you, Zola. This is why you're my favorite," Lexie laughed, kissing Zola's head before getting up to refill her mug and begin snooping through the fridge._

_Now done with the fruit, and having handed Zola's cereal off to me so I could feed her, Derek had moved on to making pancakes for them and when he saw Lexie snooping through the fridge, he grabbed the spatula and smacked her arm playfully, "Sit down, Kid, I'll make you some pancakes too," he said, laughed as she glared at him, "Hey! Think of it as an apology. Blueberry or chocolate chip?" he asked._

_"Chocolate chip please," she replied, "Lots of 'em, if I'm spending my Valentine's Day alone, I should at least eat as much chocolate as I can shove in my face."_

_"Hey!" I spoke, looking up from feeding Zola, "At least you'll have Zola, you can't go wrong with her."_

_"You're right, I've got the cutest date on the block," Lexie conceded and turned to Zola to make funny faces at her._

_"She's pretty adorable and all," Derek interjected, "But mine gives her a run for her money daily," he finished, winking at me._

_"Shut-up," I laughed, spooning some more food into Zola's mouth._

_Derek put a hand over his heart and winced, "Ouch, felt that one."_

_"Your Mom wants a new picture of Zola," Lexie piped up again, looking at her phone._

_A look of curiosity crossed both mine and Derek's face, "Are you texting his mom?" I asked._

_"My mom knows how to text?" Derek added._

_"Yeah she does and she's better at responding than you are," Lexie said, glaring at Derek._

_"I'm busy, I'm a surgeon," Derek defended himself._

_Lexie rolled her eyes, "So is Mer, and she responds to my texts. Mark does too."_

_"You want pancakes or not, Lex?" Derek asked._

_"That's just mean," I told Derek, rolling my eyes, "You can't take away a girl's food."_

_"You Greys and the eye rolling, I swear Zola's gonna be rolling her eyes at me by the time she's 3."_

_"Anyway!" Lexie digressed, "Since I'm right here, and it's Valentine's Day and all, why don't I take a picture of the three of you to send to her?"_

_"I think it's a good idea, when's the last time we had a picture taken all together?" I agreed, standing up and grabbing Zola from her high chair, "Come here, Lovebug," I coed, moving around the island toward Derek._

_"Seriously?" Derek asked, "We're in our pajamas, I haven't even done my hair yet."_

_"Oh my gosh, Derek, It's for your Mother, she doesn't care, I can guarantee it," I said, moving closer to him._

_He laughed and wrapped an arm around my waist, and I hugged Zola close._

_"Hair Products," I muttered under my breath, imitating Bailey's voice, causing Derek and I to laugh out loud just as Lexie snapped the picture._

That one single picture held so much emotion and such an amazing memory, when I look at that picture it reminds me of not only Lexie, but of the relationship she had with Derek. She had never had a brother until Derek was a part of her life, and she played the role of little sister perfectly. And her relationship with Zola; she was the first person we left her with after getting her back; she was the first person we felt comfortable leaving her with and Zola adored her. That tiny frame held love, laughter, and family and in that moment I realized how many memories such as this Derek doesn't remember.

After going to the bathroom, I made my way into the kitchen once more where Carolyn was cleaning up, "Thank you," I said softly, causing her to raise her head and look toward me, "For the pictures, thank you," I finished, my breath catching in my throat.

"Oh Meredith, you're welcome," she whispered, moving around the counter and pulling me into her arms again, this time, instead of being hesitant, instead of resisting, I melted into her embrace and relished in her warmth. Moments later, I felt the baby kicking and she must have felt it too, because she pulled back slightly and looked me in the eye, "Was that?" she asked.

"The baby, yeah" I smiled, sniffing and wiping a tear from under my eye with one hand and holding my stomach with the other.

"May I?" she asked, gesturing toward my stomach.

I nodded, "Of course."

"This was always my favorite part of being pregnant, feeling the baby kick, knowing they were ok," she said softly, with wonder in her eyes as if she were remembering something.

"It's definitely Derek's favorite," I laughed sadly, "I swear half the time his hands are glued to my stomach."

"That doesn't surprise me," Carolyn smiled tenderly, "That boy loves you more than anything, it's a dream come true for him… to have a family with you."

"I miss him," I whispered, "He's not even really gone and it's barely been a day, but I… I miss him so much."

"I know you do sweetie," Carolyn remarked, rubbing her hands up and down my arms then cupping my head with one, "but you're right, he isn't gone. Just take it on faith, Meredith. You'll get him back, you'll see."

"Thank you," I replied before sighing heavily, "I should go talk to Zola; she needs to know."

"I agree, she does, but you need to eat something first,' Carolyn said sternly, "That baby needs you to take care of yourself and you won't be in any shape to help Derek or the kids if you're not. Besides, Zola fell asleep on the couch. I went to check on her when you were laying Bailey down; she was snuggled right up with her giraffe."

"Ok, that's good," I sighed, softly this time and went to say something else.

"If you say thank you one more time, I'll make you start paying," Carolyn joked, hugging me quickly before ushering me toward one of the bar stools, "I made some soup earlier, I'll heat some up for you."

"Tha..." I began, before receiving a pointed look, "Ok," I laughed. I never really knew what it was like to have a mother or a motherly figure. I came close when I met Susan, but after she died my hopes of knowing what having a motherly figure was like were dashed. I think this is what it feels like though, to have a mother, to be mothered. It feels safe, secure, like you'll always have someone to turn to and someone to have your back no matter what you do or say they're there. I can only hope that I'm half the mother Carolyn Shepherd seems to be.

Zola slept for about forty-five minutes that day and when she awoke, she shuffled toward me, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes and clutching Gi-Gi the giraffe tightly. For the next fifteen minutes, I sat with her and we talked quietly about what had happened to Daddy and how long it would be before he could come home. She took it well, better than I had expected… more maturely I guess. She did cry because she knew that Derek was in pain and he had gotten hurt very badly, but she asked questions; I answered them to the best of my ability. Once she was satisfied with the information I had given her, more specifically that she would be able to see him tomorrow afternoon at the earliest, I hugged her tightly and got her into the bath-tub. Bailey woke up shortly after and I plunked him in the water with her. We spent the afternoon together, playing with cars and princesses, performing surgery on Ellie the Elephant and by the time I was getting ready to leave to go see Derek at the hospital they were situated at the counter in the tiny hotel kitchen eating another home-made master piece from their Grammy. I really was thankful for Carolyn. I still am.

Shortly after leaving the hotel, I found myself leaning against the door frame of Derek's room, with my arms crossed just below my chest, resting on my fast-growing bump of baby, and taking in his sleeping form. I watched closely as tell-tale signs of him awaking appeared; a sigh, a scrunch of his nose, a moan, most likely of pain rather than comfort as usual, then finally, the fluttering of his eyelids.

As his eyes opened further, he glanced around the room, before his bright blue, sleep coated eyes fell on me. Curiously, a small smile formed on his face and in a scratchy voice, he whispered, "Hey."

Smiling back, I replied, "Hey," and shoved off of the doorframe and walked further into the room, my arms swinging lightly at my sides, and sat in a chair I had moved closer to his bed, "How are you feeling? I can flag down a nurse to get you more meds, if you need it."

"I'm good, but thanks," he responded, sending a grateful smile my way, before the room fell into an unusual awkward silence as we both grasped for what to say and how to approach this odd situation we were now faced with

"So," I cleared my throat, "Uhh… Do you have any questions? I mean… well, of course you have question. 10 years of your life is gone. Crap, I'm sorry, I get blunt when I'm nervous, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I know you have a million questions, and I'm happy to answer any … all of them, really. Oh god, I'm rambling and you probably have a headache, or if you didn't, you do now, I'm sorry, when that happens just tell me to shut up, usually you would have done that already," I laughed awkwardly and took a deep breath, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

Derek just sat there for a moment with a look of shock plastered to his face before chuckling hoarsely, "Wow, that was impressive," he said, as chuckled again.

In that moment, there is no doubt in my mind that my face was bright red, "Sorry, it just kind of… happens when… I'll try not to let it happen again, but no promises," I finished, with an awkward laugh.

"Don't apologize," he croaked with a warm smile, before it fell from his face, "I'm terrified, Meredith. I don't even know where to begin with questions. I never thought I would be on this side of a situation like this," he shook his head in disbelief, before wincing at the motion, "It's… it's a lot… it's just… a lot," he trailed off.

My first instinct was to reach out and grab his hand, tell him everything would work out in the end, but for a moment, I hesitated with worry that it would make him feel even more confused, more uncomfortable. My hand remained frozen in mid-air, until I dropped it back into my lap and wrung my watch methodically, smiling at him tenderly instead, "You can talk to me, you know? About anything. Only if you feel comfortable; I understand that to you I'm practically a stranger. And I want you to tell me if I go too far, because honestly, I have no idea how to go about this either. When I look at you, I see my husband and that's who I want to treat you as, but that's not who you are right now and I might need a little reminder once in a while," I laughed softly, and admittedly a little sadly.

"Thank you," Derek said, smiling sleepily, "Amy told me that uh… you don't necessarily… allow people to help you all the time, something about… not wanting to be a burden. But… you have a lot on your plate… and… crap, this is coming ….across a lot more insensitive than I was hoping," he croaked a small chuckle.

"Well, apparently we both need to work on our sensitivity," I joked.

"I have… brain damage," he retorted, "What's your… excuse?'

"I have pregnancy brain, that's my excuse," I giggled.

"Touché," he winked, or attempted to, it was honestly quite a fail, "Anyway, the point was, you're pregnant, you have… we have two kids and I'm…a handful from… all of this," he continued, gesturing toward himself, "So let people help you Meredith," he finished with a soft smile, and the trade mark head tilt.

"You know, Amy did say that you would learn to be hovery again soon, but I had no idea it would be this soon," I spoke lightly. The fatigue he had been fighting off since he woke up was slowly taking its toll, his sentences becoming choppier as our conversation progressed and I knew he would soon succumb to sleep once more, but it was nice to hear his voice, "Well, your Mom's here, she'll stop by in the morning when we bring the kids to daycare, but she made me let her babysit tonight. Something about you know, living on the other side of the country and never seeing her grandkids. She's great, though, really great," I told him with a smile gracing my face.

Derek smiled and muttered, "Good."

"And, I was thinking that since we have absolutely no idea what we're doing, we should make some rules. Just to help with the awkwardness," I suggested.

"I think… that's a good…idea," he nodded, only to wince again. He really needed to learn to stop doing that.

"OK, so…umm. Oh! Questions, each time we see each other, we're only allowed 3 questions each," I proclaimed, "That way nothing goes too fast and neither of us gets over whelmed."

"And time-outs… if someone… starts getting… frustrated…say time-out and we can… just do something individually… come back to it… later," he offered after a minute and threw me a look of utter confusion when I started giggling, "What?" he asked, sounding slightly offended.

"Nothing! It's nothing, that's a fantastic idea really. It's just, you came up with that months ago; we were in the middle of this huge fight that spanned weeks, which I really don't want to get into explaining right now, but any…"

"You're rambling again," he whispered sleepily, a tired smirk on his face.

I blushed deeply, "Sorry."

"It's ok… happy rambles… are good," he replied.

"OK," I responded as I shifted slightly in the chair, scooting back further and arching my back a little, rubbing a hand across my stomach as the baby began kicking again.

"You ok?" Derek questioned quietly.

"Yeah, I'm good. It's just a little back ache, comes with the whole pregnancy thing," I commented, "and the baby started kicking again," I continued, taking in the suddenly pale complexion, fluttering eyelids, the grimace gracing his face, and constant licking of his lips, "You're nauseous, aren't you?" I questioned.

"I am… but, I'm fine," he began, "I wanna… tell me about… the baby and… our kids, I wanna know…"

"And I can tell you about them, later; when you're not about to puke your guts out," I replied forcefully, shoving myself out of the chair and moving to grab the puke bucket on the other side of the room.

"I'm fine… no…no, Meredith sit down, I'm… fine," he groaned, barely finishing his sentence before spewing his guts into the bowl I had placed beneath his face mere moments before.

I watched silently as he heaved over and over into the bowl, thanking God that I was over my morning sickness and praying this would pass soon as I ran my fingers through his hair in the way that always soothed him with my free hand from my newly taken perch on the side of his bed, "Saying you're fine is always a tell-tale sign that you're lying," I whispered.

I didn't know if he heard me or if he was just ignoring me, but either way, I didn't care. It honestly may have been more for my own benefit than his. Almost as if I were reminding myself that though Derek didn't remember me, I knew him inside and out, nearly literally in that moment. As he moved away from the bowl, his stomach officially empty, I reached toward the night stand and grabbed a tissue, wiping off his lips lightly. Then I set the bucket full of vomit on the chair I had previously been occupying and reached into the bag I had brought for him, grabbing a few breath mints and chap stick, "Here," I said, handing them to him, "Your lips will be raw by morning if this keeps up and you don't use this, and the mints will get rid of the puke breath and help with the nausea. I'm gonna go get rid of this and grab you some water, I'll be right back," I remarked, resisting the urge to press a kiss to his cheek and opting to simply rub his arm instead.

"Meredith," Derek croaked, grabbing for my hand as I pulled my arm away, "Thank you."

I smile at him sadly and squeezed his hand, with the full puke bucket still occupying my other, "You don't have to thank me," I replied, tenderly, "I'm your wife, it's my job. No running, ever. Nobody walks out." As I turned and walked out the door, I knew he wouldn't understand. I knew he didn't remember the Post-It, but in that moment, it felt like a fitting thing to say, because in reality, that was the point, wasn't it? To make vows that at least one side could uphold when the other wasn't able.

_Time and Timing are what make memories, they're what tell us that some things are meant to be. The timing of an event can lead someone to realize how dedicated another is to them, and how much they care. Not only does this open the individual's eyes to the type of person someone is, but it open their eyes to how they feel about that person._

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know.**

**Author's Note #2: I can't promise anything schedule-wise with the updating of this fic. I honestly have no idea when the next chapter will be done; let's hope it isn't as long!**

**~ Thank You so much to those of you who have reviewed! I appreciate it greatly… and special shout out to jenwa85 who reviewed just last week, thank you, it was the push I needed to get this chapter up! I try my best to reply to your reviews personally if I can (AKA: If they're published from an account) and I'm sorry if I missed yours, but I really am grateful to anyone who has stuck around and hung in there with this fic! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy; if I did it would be more of this and less of that. **

**Author's Note: Like I said last time, don't get excited! This continual posting may just be a rarity. (As much as I hope it isn't) This fic has taken on a life of its own and has gone down paths I never dreamed it would take. But, with it being my first, I'm thankful for that and the opportunity of progression as a writer that has been sparked by the reviews from you wonderful people. I still have a long ways to go, if I've learned anything it's that progress takes time.**

**Got constructive criticism? Let me know!**

**I hope you enjoy and encourage you to review if you feel so inclined.**

* * *

**_One Week Post-Accident_**

_We go through the motions every day; we have routines, we make schedules, and we find our normal. We get up, get ready, and get on with our day just to go to sleep and repeat nearly the same thing when we wake up. What happens when something throws a wrench in that? What happens when the routines and schedules don't fit the circumstances anymore? _

Derek was coming home. After a week in the hospital with nurses waking him up (what felt like) every few hours to check his vitals, a physical therapist urging him to walk and teaching him strengthening exercises to do at home to aid in the fast healing of his fractured femur, and countless visitors pushing him to remember details of his life; he was coming home. And as much as they loved staying in the hotel for that week, Zola and Bailey were beyond excited to be going home. But not as excited as they were about Derek coming with us.

I had been worried about how Derek would react to the kids, but I quickly realized that I had nothing to worry about. The Derek I had met ten years ago, absolutely adored children and they weren't his own. Sure it wasn't the same right away; Derek needed more space than he had before, which was something Bailey had struggled with. He wanted nothing more than to sit in Derek's bed and snuggle up with him; driving his cars all over. Zola was more like Derek, a little more apprehensive because being 4 (almost 5!) she understood better than Bailey did and seeing Derek laid up in a hospital bed with a huge bandage around his head, and a cast on his leg scared her. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want him to dislike her.

_"It's OK, Zo," I whispered tenderly as she halted just through the door to Derek's room and doubled back to hide behind my leg, clutching the yoga pants I was wearing tightly, "You can go say Hi," I continued, as Bailey 'vroomed' his car up my arm, but she didn't budge._

_"Hey Zola," Derek spoke in a still slightly scratchy voice, smiling softly at her from his sitting position, "I won't bite, I promise."_

_"Daddy," Bailey cooed, smiling widely toward Derek causing him to light up too._

_I shifted him on my hip and reached down behind myself to grab Zola's hand, who grunted timidly, "You wanna say hi, don't you Monkey?" _

_He started bouncing slightly before stopping abruptly and forming the cutest angry face I'd ever seen and crossing his arms and glaring down at my stomach, "Baby kick me!"_

_"Well, stop bouncin'," I chuckled as I reached the edge of Derek's bed, "OK, B. I'll put you next to Daddy, but you have to be careful, remember Gammy and I told you about his owwies?"_

_Bailey nodded with a smile, "I be good," he said, squirming to get down. _

_I released Zola's hand, who was still peeking out from behind my legs and set Bailey down next to his Dad for the first time in three days. Out of instinct, Derek's arm snaked around Bailey, coming to rest just on his back to keep him from falling. 'He's still got it.' I smiled to myself._

_"I dwive?" Bailey asked, tilting his head in a very Derek-like fashion, hovering his car over Derek's chest._

_"You can," Derek smiled, "Just not on my tummy."_

_The little boy nodded firmly, "No tummy," and began racing his car over Derek's chest, making vrooming noises that caused spit bubbles to form on his little lips._

_"Is this your favorite car?" Derek asked, which spurred a heavy conversation about every car Bailey had at home –which was a lot._

_As Derek immersed Bailey in car talk, I turned my attention to Zola who was still cowering. I moved to sit in the chair close to Derek's bed and patted my lap –what was left of it-, "Come here, Lovebug," I murmured._

_Zola climbed up onto my lap with a little help and curled into my side, wrapping herself around the bump that held our new baby and sighed heavily. I watched for a moment as Zola took in the interaction between her Dad and her brother curiously._

_"Zo-Zo, what's goin' on in your head," I whispered, kissing her dark-braided hair and snuggling her close._

_"He looks… like Daddy, but with owwies," she whispered, so quietly I barely heard her._

_"That's because he is Daddy," I whispered back._

_Zola sighed again, "No," shaking her head, "My Daddy know me… he not know me," she continued, pointing at Derek discretely._

_"That's why we're here, Zo," I spoke softly, "To remind him who we are."_

_Zola's tiny voice cracked and she sniffed as she said, "What if this Daddy not like me?"_

_My heart broke for my little girl, because no one should have to worry about something like this at such a young age. I struggled with what to say, worrying that nothing I said would be right, "He does, Zola," I affirmed firmly, "He's your Daddy and he still loves you. You know how you feel when you tell me or Daddy or Bailey that you love us, right?" I questioned._

_"Yeah," she muttered._

_"That's how Daddy feels, and he still gets that feeling. All we have to do is help him remember why," I said, "Does that make sense?" I asked, praying that I hadn't just mixed up her little head more._

_"I 'tink so," she said, scrunching her nose a little._

_I sighed and wracked my brain for what to say, "You… you know how, sometimes you're really sad before dinner, but you don't know why… you just… feel sad? Then Mommy or Daddy tells you it's because you didn't have a nap? We remind you of why you feel that way?"_

_"Yeah," Zola whispered in affirmation._

_"It's just like that," I replied happily, "We have to tell Daddy stuff about us and he'll know why he feels love for us."_

_"OK," she said, speaking in her full voice for the first time since we had arrived._

_"OK," I repeated, "Why don't you get over there?" _

_Zola gave me a wide grin and hopped off of my lap, kissing my belly before moving around to the other side of Derek's bed and reaching to tap his arm, "Can I get up, too?" she asked._

_"Of course," Derek said, enthusiasm lacing his voice, "I can't lift you though. Can you get up on your own?" _

_"I'll help you, Zo," I interjected, hoisting myself from the stiff chair and moving toward her._

_As I settled her on the bed, she turned and snuggled into Derek's side, resting her head on his shoulder, "Daddy, do your owwies hurt real bad now?" Zola questioned._

_Derek rubbed his hand up and down her back, "No. Not right now. Not at all right now," he replied with a voice full of emotion. _

_"Zo, in da way," Bailey huffed as he ran his car into her cheek lightly._

_"Ow! B, 'top!"_

_I locked the rail on Zola's side in place, so Derek could relax his arms more and moved around to do the same on Bailey's side, before sitting in the chair once more._

_"Hey," Derek spoke to both of them softly, "Inside voice, Zo. Bailey, stay on your side and be nice to your sister."_

_"Fine," the two littles grumbled together, before glaring at each other and causing Derek's breath to hitch in a laugh._

Watching the moment amongst Derek and the kids play out, made my heart beat faster, my throat close up, and my eyes water. I was overcome with emotion. My husband was alive, my kids still had a dad. Just days ago I had thought I would never see him hold them, play with them, or even talk to them again, sure he didn't remember but that didn't matter, we could remind him. As Zola fell asleep on his shoulder that day and Bailey played with his cars, tears streamed down my face and I wiped them away furiously, my breath hitching once or twice causing Derek to look over Bailey's head and meet my eyes. He had given me the softest, most understanding smile. In that moment, though I knew he may never remember every aspect of our life together; I knew he wanted to remember every new piece.

From that day on, the kids were attached to Derek nearly every moment possible and when they learned he was coming home, they insisted that we celebrated. So, on the morning of his homecoming, Carolyn and I wrangled the kids and made our way to the dollar store. We grabbed balloons (which to be honest were more for the kids than anything), a welcome home banner, and poster board for the Zola and Bailey to make a giant card for Derek.

Just as the kids and I put the finishing touches on the surprise, we heard Carolyn and Derek pull up.

"Now, remember," I said, squatting down in front of the two and looking them both in the eye, "Daddy still gets bad headaches, so when he comes inside you can't scream, OK?"

"But," Zola started.

"No but's," I stated firmly, "And no screaming," I finished as the door-knob turned and Derek crutched into the house; sporting his Bowdoin T-shirt and a pair of dark-wash jeans, followed by his Mom.

"Welcome Home, Daddy!" Zola semi-shouted, as I hoisted myself off of the floor, with one hand on my stomach.

"'Come home, Daddy!" Bailey echoed and started bolting toward him, ready to steam roll his legs. I nearly ran after him and swooped him into my arms, cradling him like a baby.

"Wait until he has a chance to sit down, Monkey boy," I breathed as I blew my hair out of my face.

Zola bounced along with Derek as he made his way to the couch slowly, "We gots'ya somthin', Daddy."

"You did?" Derek asked in an enthusiastic, though tired voice.

"Yeah!" Zola exclaimed, running into the kitchen to grab the poster from the counter, bolting straight past Carlyon; who was getting Derek some water.

"Walking feet," I called after her sternly before bouncing Bailey on my hip, "I'm gonna set you down and help Daddy, but stay back for a minute, Ok Monkey?" I asked, tickling his tummy lightly and moving to the coffee table. I set him down by his toys and directed my attention to Derek, who was just at the edge of the couch.

"Hey," I smiled, grasping his elbow.

He smiled tiredly, "Hey."

"Come around here and sit in the corner, it's the most comfortable and we can prop your leg up," I directed, moving ahead of him to situate some pillows as he nodded.

Once I had helped him take a seat on the couch, and adjusted the pillows around him, I asked in a whisper, looking down at him through my eyelashes, "You comfortable?"

"Yeah, thanks," he responded, before speaking more loudly, "Alright, where'd the munchkins go? Get over here," he spoke as Carolyn set his water down on the table and went to grab his bags as I took a seat by his legs.

Zola skipped up to the edge of the couch with the poster board in her hand. Bailey came to stand next to her, leaning on the couch with his elbows, right by Derek's arm and stared up at him with a smile, "Look, Daddy!" he exclaimed, "We maded this."

"You did?" Derek asked excitedly.

"Yup," Zola nodded confidently, turning the poster around and handing it to Derek.

With a slight smile on his face, he took in the large masterpiece. The sign read, _'We Missed You, Daddy!'_ in big block letters than I had outlined and the kids had filled in. It was surrounded by drawings and scribbles from both Zola and Bailey and at the bottom, they had signed their names (with a little help form me).

"I love it," he responded softly, "Thank you."

"You're welcome!" Zola said, bouncing in her place and turning toward me, "Mommy, can I hug 'im?" she asked.

I laughed slightly at her enthusiasm and Derek replied for me, "Of course you can! Just be careful."

From my perch, I watched as Zola slowly made her way onto the couch and Bailey looked at Derek with big, round eyes, "Me too?" he whispered almost inaudibly.

Derek just smiled at him and patted and empty spot on the couch with his hand. The three of them sat snuggled together, and I turned on their new favorite movie, 'Finding Nemo', sighing heavily as I made my way toward the kitchen and took in the mess, "Do it later," Derek's voice came in a whisper, piercing my thoughts, "Come sit with us," he continued, brushing his hand across the couch, past Zola and Bailey.

I chuckled and used the arm of the couch as leverage to bend over and pick up a blanket off of the floor, "If I wait it'll just multiply," I said as Carolyn came through the door with his, "I can take those, and start a load."

"Or you could take a break," Derek pushed with emphasis, "and come sit with us."

"Go ahead dear, I can handle this," Carolyn replied with a smile, "You put your feet up for a while, maybe try to nap."

"But… I," I stuttered, gesturing to the kitchen.

"Haven't had a full night of sleep in a week and have been running around non-stop. It's not good for the baby," Carolyn continued softly, "You need to slow down, rest up a little."

"Ma's always right," Derek shrugged.

Sighing heavily, I turned and walked around the couch, plopping down and throwing my feet onto the coffee table, "Fine."

"You're stubborn," Derek stated as Carolyn smiled at us and began to clean up.

I rolled my eyes as Bailey shifted closer to me, "And you have perfect hair, we both have issues."

"I like it," he smirked simply, "That and the rambling. It keeps me on my toes."

"I'd like to see you try to get on your toes," I snorted, and then grimaced, "Sorry, that was mean."

But he wasn't offended, in typical Derek fashion, he laughed, "and you're witty. Have to add that to the list."

"Shhh, I'm tryin'a watch da movie," Zola whispered from her snuggled into Derek.

"Sorry," I laughed, rubbing the side of my stomach as I felt the baby move.

"Is the baby kicking?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," I smiled, meeting his eyes, "Do you want to feel?" I asked, grabbing for his hand and placing it on the spot as he nodded.

Within seconds, his whole face lit up, his eyes were shining and his lips formed a wide smile, "Wow, that's amazing."

"It is, isn't it?" I asked rhetorically, sniffling as tears gathered behind my eyes. I didn't think I would ever see that look on his face again. He's alive. He's home. I gave him a watery smile and my breath hitched.

"Are you ok?" he asked, removing his hand from under mine and reaching to rub up from my shoulder to my elbow, squeezing my shoulder the third time around.

"Ye..ah," I sniffed, "I'm fine."

"You know, someone once told me that saying you're fine is a tell-tale sign that you're not," he smirked.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand, squeezing it firmly and looking him in the eye, "I'm just really glad you're ok. I'm more than fine," I finished, wiping a tear from under my eye with my free hand.

"Mom," Zola groaned, "Shhh."

My eyes widened as I looked at Derek and mouthed, 'Mom?!'.

* * *

It had only been a week since I had woken up in a hospital bed in a daze missing ten years of my life and I was still grappling with how to deal with everything. Ten years. Ten years is a huge chunk of time to be missing. The last memory I have is getting to my hotel room my first night in Seattle. I had just found Addison with Mark and decided that my unstable marriage was not worth salvaging. Just a few days ago, I had been told that Mark was now dead. My best-friend… my brother was dead and my last memory of him was catching him in bed with my wife (ex-wife now apparently). I learned that I had a wife, two kids, and a baby on the way. The moment I had a chance to talk to my wife face to face without anyone else around, my chest was tight and my heart sped up, but I didn't remember anything about her. She was beautiful and tiny, even being pregnant (days away from 6 months; I had discovered). It was similar with the kids, Meredith had 'debriefed' me on Zola and Bailey before I met them for the first time and the second I was laid up in that hospital bed with a kid on each side of me, they felt familiar, it felt normal to protect them from falling off and diffuse a fight before it went rampant. But I couldn't for the life of me, remember anything about them. It was frustrating as hell to have all of these emotions running through my body that I couldn't pin a reason to. The first week was interesting; to say the least.

I was nervous the day I was discharged to be sent home and I could tell Meredith was too, she had even asked me if I would rather stay somewhere else for a while, but I knew that being home, wherever that may be, would be for the best. Besides, I didn't remember any friends in Seattle (if I had any) and Meredith and the kids felt familiar, they didn't feel like strangers; I was comfortable around them. My mom being there helped, she always had a way of making every situation seem better than it was and I was glad that she was there to help Meredith with the kids. That's one thing I've learned; my kids are rambunctious. Bailey isn't referred to as 'Monkey' for no reason.

As I crutched my way into the house - that was surprisingly in the middle of nowhere - my nerves melted away. This was home. I could feel it in my bones. The familiarly unfamiliar smell calmed me down and a weight was lifted from my shoulders as I settled into the couch in the middle of a house I didn't know anything about, but felt like my home. _This is where I belong_, I thought to myself as Zola and Bailey curled up next to me and became immersed in a movie.

After Mom and I finally coerced Meredith into sitting down, we talked and joked, about random, but somehow meaningful things. As she teared up and whispered that she was glad I was ok, I couldn't help thinking that I was too. We sat, hands entwined - with the kids dozing between us - in silence until she pulled her hand from mine, "I'm sorry, but I really have to pee," she said urgently, "The baby's sitting on my bladder."

Chuckling a little, I watched as she got up from the couch and made her way behind it and out of sight. Zola groaned and shifted in her sleep and I instinctively ran a hand over her head and repeated a chorus of 'shhh's' until she was snoring again.

Seconds after Meredith had left, the front door clicked open and a tall, dark-haired Latina stepped into the house, "Hey," she said, "I'm here for the kids, where's Mer?"

I stuttered for a moment, resisting the urge to yell for Meredith as not to disturb the kids. My arm tightened around them as I took in the woman before me. Who the hell is she and why is she talking about taking my kids?

"Callie!" came Meredith's voice from behind me, "Oh crap," she said, taking in the look on my face, I'm so sorry, I should have told about this. Umm… this is Callie she works at the hospital with us. She's gonna take the kids for a couple days so you have time to adjust," Meredith sighed, running a hand through her hair and moving to sit by my legs, giving me an apologetic look, "I'm so sorry, I should have…"

"She works with us?" I asked, "We trust her, right?"

"Of course!" Meredith exclaimed quietly, resting a hand on my good leg, "She was really good friends with Mark, Derek. They have a little girl together, Sophia, she and Zola are best friends," she explained.

"We weren't married or anything," Callie interjected, "We were… friends… with benefits? And I'…"

"That's good enough for now," Meredith said, "I'll fill him in later," she continued, "It's a long story, but it's a juicy one," she said with a mischievous look.

"It's not that good," Callie groaned, "Don't get the man's hopes up."

"It involves cheeseburgers and lots of them, his hopes should be up," Meredith retorted, getting up from the couch and pilfering through the little bags on the chair that I hadn't noticed before _Cheeseburgers? What the hell is special about that?_

She turned to Callie and rattled off information, "They just fell asleep about… 15 minutes ago," she began, glancing at her watch, "I can help you get the car-seats into your car and they may sleep through us strapping them in. This is Bailey's favorite blanket, he'll scream until he projectile vomits if he doesn't have it when he goes to bed," she continued, showing Callie a light blue, knit blanket, "and this is Zola's lion, she carries Gi-Gi everywhere, but she won't sleep without Lucy; Derek got it for her a couple years ago. Oh, and…"

"I've got it, Mer" Callie interjected with a smile, "I've watched them over night more than once," she laughed.

"I know, I know," Meredith sighed running a hand through her hair, "They just haven't been away from home for so long before… without me or Derek, I mean."

"They'll be fine. We'll call you every day, I promise, and it's only four days. Give your raging Mama-Bear hormones a rest," she laughed.

"Shut-up," Meredith smiled and as she did, the most adorable giggle erupted from her chest and could have sworn that my heart skipped a beat.

Just then, I felt Zola shift next to me and a groan escaped her lips as her eyes fluttered open, "Hey, sleepy head," I whispered, causing her to smile.

"Hi, Daddy," she whispered back. _I could get used to this, _I thought to myself. I could get used to holding tiny humans while they slept and feeling them cuddle into me. I could get used to having someone depend on me in such a huge way as kids do to their parents.

Another giggle from Meredith pierced the air as she talked to Callie and I was suddenly struck with a series of pictures in my mind and the memory of the first time I had heard that sound.

* * *

_"You must really like yourself, huh?" the tiny blonde smiled._

_"Just hiding my pain," I shook my head and chuckled slightly as she giggled. It was short, but god, it was so sweet._

_"So what's your story?" I asked curiously._

_"I don't have a story," she stated simply, "I'm just a girl in a bar."_

_I nodded and raised my glass slightly before taking a sip, "I'm just a guy in a bar," I replied._

* * *

"Derek," the soft voice seemed foggy and far away, "Derek," the voice came again, clear this time as Meredith appeared next to me, "It's time for your meds," she said, handing me a cup of water and my medication.

"Thank you," I replied sleepily before downing it and wiping the sleep from my eyes, wincing at the throbbing pain in my head and thigh, "Are the kids… gone?"

"Yeah, Callie left with them about an hour ago," Meredith whispered, "Did you want to move to the bedroom?" she asked, moving to sit on the couch next to my hip.

"Meredith," I whispered.

"You can sleep in the other guest room for now," she continued as she folded a leg under herself and cradled her stomach, "Until you're ready."

"You," I swallowed thickly still half asleep, "You were just a girl in a bar and I… I was just a guy in a bar," I finished with a smile.

I watched as a sheen covered her eyes and she swallowed thickly before she replied, "You…you remember that?" she asked as a tear made its way down her cheek, "When? How… how did?" she shook her head and wiped the tear off of her cheek only to be replaced by more.

Smiling at her, I placed my hand on her arm and squeezed it softly, "You… you made me remember," I whispered, "You were talking to… Carly? No, Callie, right?"

Meredith nodded and giggled as I said, "You were proud of me for a whole two seconds, weren't you?" in an amused tone, "That! That right there, your giggle. You were talking to Callie and she made you laugh, it was the first time all week I had heard it and it just… clicked. I mean," I shook my head slightly, tears forming in my eyes as well "I fell asleep and I knew I wasn't dreaming… it felt too real to be a dream, too good. It was a memory, right? We met in a bar."

"We did," she sighed happily, smiling as more tears ran down her face, "We met in a bar the night before I started as an intern. Damn-it, I'm sorry," her breath hitched, "I don't know why I'm crying so much."

I tilted my head as a few tears ran down my face too, "I won't tell if you don't," I replied with a snort as she pulled her arm from under my hand and laced our fingers; they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle and though I didn't know the in between, I knew how we began and I know where we are now: married with two kids and a third on the way, living in a huge house in the middle of the woods, and no longer separated by a job and for now… that was good enough for me.

* * *

Four hours later, after moving to the guest bedroom under an agreement that we should take things slowly, and taking what became a little more than a power nap, I awoke to still quiet house. Pushing myself into a sitting position, I leaned against the head board for a second in order to will away any possible dizziness. Then, I brought my leg around so it would hang off of the bed and winced at the pulling sensation for a moment before reaching to grab my crutches, using them to hoist myself off of the bed and make my way out of the room gingerly. As I reached the kitchen, I heard Meredith and Mom talking and when I rounded the corner, I saw Meredith was seated at the island while Mom put something in the oven.

"So what's that called again?" Meredith asked as she sipped on her tea.

"Green bean casserole, it's very good, I'm sure you'll love it," Mom spoke softly, "It was Derek's favorite when he was a kid."

"Still is," I interjected with a smile as I crutched further into the kitchen.

"There's my boy," Mom smiled.

"Hey sleepy head, how'd you sleep," Meredith asked, wrapping both hands around her steaming mug.

"Really well," I sighed in content, "That bed is amazing, it's like a cloud, but it's a little stiff too."

Meredith smiled widely, "That's exactly what you said when you chose it," she giggled (still couldn't get enough of that sound), "You said it'd be perfect for your Mom, and you were right, she loves it too. There's one in the room she's staying in."

"That mattress is half the reason I'm still here," Mom laughed.

"Well I'm glad I make good decisions," I half asked half questioned as I shifted on the crutches slightly.

"Here," Meredith said with a smile, "Sit down," she finished as she went to get up only to be stopped by my mother.

"Meredith Grey, don't you dare move. He can sit next to you," Mom scolded her almost as if she were a teenager and I looked back and forth between the two curiously as Meredith rolled her eyes marginally, "Don't roll your eyes at me," she continued, "You have been pushing yourself too much, and don't think I haven't noticed that you have had a full night of sleep all week. We were in the same hotel room, dear."

"OK, Ok," Meredith sighed, sitting back in the chair again and holding her hands up in defense, "You're on your own, buddy," she said, looking at me with a smile.

I laughed and made my way to the stool two away from her to prop up my leg with the other, "So, that's the second time she's said that; want to tell me why you haven't been sleeping?" I asked.

"Not you, too," she groaned, "You're not supposed to hover. You barely know me, remember?"

I scoffed a laugh, "Just because I'm brain damaged and crippled right now and I don't remember does not mean you aren't my wife and that isn't my baby. I'm allowed to be worried."

Now it was Mom's turn to roll her eyes, "I love you both dearly, but you're the oddest couple I've ever met. Alright. Dinner is in the oven. I'm going to take the timer with me and read a book on the deck, if you need anything give me a holler."

"Thanks, I think," I responded, amused, "Love you too, Ma," I finished, more somber this time. I almost died last week. I almost died and left my mother without a son, she's lost her husband, and evidently she lost Mark; who was just about as much her son as I am. No parent should ever have to go through the pain of losing their child. No parent should have to outlive their child; in that moment, I was more grateful than ever that I had survived for my mother as well as my own growing family.

"Carolyn," Meredith spoke suddenly, just before Mom stepped outside, "I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9, before Derek's physical therapy appointment and I don't know if I'll be out on time to come back and pick him up. Would you…"

"You have an appointment tomorrow?" I asked, "Meredith, why wouldn't you tell me about that?"

She looked confused as she responded, "You want to go? I thought it would just be awkward for you and…"

I sighed and stared at her intently, "Of course I want to go. You can't just assume these things, Meredith! I may have brain damage, but I can still make decisions for myself, I'm still me!"

"But, you're not! You're not still you!" she snapped, "Life experiences shape who we are and right now you're missing 10 years of that!"

"Alright, alright. Knock it off you two," Carolyn intervened, "Meredith, you should have asked Derek to go to your appointment with you, he is still your husband. And Derek, you can't expect her to know how to deal with this any more than you do. The both of you need to relax, Derek you just had brain surgery, raising your blood pressure this much is not safe. Meredith, you're pregnant and if you don't start taking it easy you will either end up on bed rest or with a premature baby, got it? I'll be back in 20 minutes to check on the casserole and make sure the two of you haven't killed each other."

"Wow, ok," Meredith breathed.

"Yeah. Wow," I echoed, "I haven't been yelled at like that by my mother since I crashed my motorcycle in college," I said, before questioning what I had just said. Had I been yelled at by my mother since then? If so, for what reason? I don't even know simple facts about myself.

"It was about 8 months ago I think, that job you took in D.C? It really did a number on us for a while and you went to see your Mom while you were over there since it was so close by. You told her you weren't happy and she basically smacked you upside the head and told you that if you weren't happy it was your own fault and you should go fix it," Meredith said with a knowing look, "I'm sorry, Derek. I really do want you there tomorrow, if you'll still go with me."

"I know that you keep saying we put D.C. behind us before the crash, but I really am sorry. I don't know what encouraged me to go in the first place, but I'm sorry," I said sincerely, because though I knew that I may never be able to completely explain my actions. I also knew that I could always apologize for those I feel were wrong, "I'll think about it," I said slyly in regards to the appointment.

"Oh," she replied coyly, "You'll think about it?" Meredith got up from her chair and walked up to me, sticking her hand out, "Come on," she said, "let's get you re-acquainted with this beautiful house you built us."

Smiling softly, I grabbed her hand and pulled myself off of the stool, standing steady on one leg with her help until I had both crutches in my grasp, "How'd you know I was questioning myself? You're ot a mind reader, are you?" I asked with a laugh.

"No, just a face reader," she smiled, "Let's go…Oh! But first," she said suddenly, "It's time for more meds," she reported, moving around the counter to grab the pills and some water.

As I watched her move around, a realization struck me, "You're waddling," I said with a smile, "I don't know why I noticed now or when it started, but you're waddling."

"I am not!" she gasped, "Take it back."

"I can't it's an irrevocable truth, and adorable, irrevocable truth," I said with a laugh.

"You know what else is irrevocable?" she asked angrily.

"What?"

"Castration."

I burst out laughing at her answer and when she went to punch me I faux-screamed, "Oh no, not the tiny ineffectual fists," and for some reason this small phrase caused her to stop and smile.

As she let her guard down and handed over the medication, she whispered, "You used to say that all the time."

"Really?" I asked, in honest wonder, "I guess that means those memories are still in here somewhere," I smirked, tapping my head.

"I guess," she said whimsically then ushered for me to follow her. After a few feet she muttered, "I'm trying really hard not to waddle."

"I know," I muttered back tenderly, "That's cute too." Meredith led me around the house, showing me every corner and adding little anecdotes here and there, like her initial disdain toward the brick I had chosen for the fireplace in the living room, her down right need for a tub that covered her boobs and her knees at the same time, and that time we were sitting in bed together at the old house (the 'Frat House') discussing the exact lay out of our bedroom when Cristina (Her person) barged in and they 'decided' to add a bedroom just for her. A look of sadness crossed her face as she mentioned Cristina, but I decided to leave it be for now. Meredith needed some time to think about happy things.

Once we reached the guest room Mom was staying in, I was in need of a break, so we sat on her bed for a few minutes. That was when Meredith caught me by surprise, "I was thinking of moving Bailey into this room and keeping his room as a nursery for the new baby. It took me forever to find a layout I liked - you would definitely be groaning if you remembered that – plus, then the crib could just stay put," she was making plans for the future, plans for both of us, all of us really. Meredith had told me the other day that she wasn't an optimistic person, but for the first time, I was seeing just how wrong she was. Because she was moving forward and she was making me move forward too, "I really don't want your mom to leave though," she sighed.

"We'll figure it out," I said, reaching to place a hand on her back tentatively.

When my hand settled, she turned her head and smile at me, "_We_ will, because this isn't the end of us," and I couldn't have agreed with her more on those words, this couldn't be the end of us, because to me we were just beginning.

_Normal doesn't have to be a place or a schedule, it doesn't even have to have anything to do with what you do every day. You can find your normal in a person. It's normal to want to take care of this person. It's normal to feel whole with this person. It's normal to build a life with this person. When you have the person you feel normal with, nothing else matters._

**There she is, chapter 14 in the books.**

**Thank you for reading**

**Huge shout out to Darlene, AliceJuveArtico, Guest, roganjalex, Melanie, Patsy, and beth1814 for reviewing on Chapter 13! I appreciate you more than you know and you have given me a boost of motivation to keep this story rollin'.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**So I haven't updated in literal months, I always hated when that happened to stories I was reading and now I am one of those dreaded authors that hits writers block, gets busy with life, and doesn't update. That long-winded sentence was a pseudo apology, I'm sorry. If there's anyone out there who is still ready to finish this bad boy off, here I am! I can't (and I won't) promise you anything this time regarding how soon the next chapter will make its appearance because I have learned my lesson when it comes to promises like that. (I'm sorry I'm terrible at keeping them) **

**As for my excuses; school, death, basketball, work, a car accident, 3 babysitting jobs. Life just happens sometimes, ya know? **

**I do want to thank those of you who have reviewed between the time I posted the last update and now. Holy cow, do I appreciate that. It's great knowing that you've been waiting for this, and makes me feel the need to apologize even more. I really do appreciate all of you. I also know that some reviews have not been posting; I appreciate those too****.**

**Back at it again: Read. Review. Hopefully enjoy. :)**

* * *

_I would be lying if I told you that I had never woken up questioning who I was, I think everyone does, at some point. At least, they have to, right? We all have to go through periods of time, sometimes short, sometimes long to figure out who we are and who we want to be. There were handfuls of days in high school, college, med school, residency, and even now that I wake up wondering if I chose the right path. Did I end up where I was supposed to be? Did I choose the right people? Did the right people choose me? Why am I a surgeon? Should I have taken on another career? Not knowing who you are in that sense in really freaking scary. Knowing that, I don't want to begin to imagine what it would feel like to literally not know who you were. To wake up after an accident and feel as if you had aged ten years over the span of a few hours._

* * *

Derek used to disappear for a few hours every once in a while. Usually the kids would be napping and I wouldn't notice for a few minutes, I never paid much attention to it – people need alone time. However, there was one day, not long after he had begun spending most of his time in D.C., that I had missed him and hoped to spend nap time alone together so I made my way around the house in search of him. Inevitably, I circled around to his office, the slightest swell of anger rising as I noticed the soft glow of a lamp seeping through the cracked door. I was taken aback when I peered into the room expecting to see him sitting at his desk, bent over a pile of papers, instead I found him lounged in the large leather chair that overtook a far corner. Instead of burying his head in work, he was wrapped in that dingy, uncomfortable, ugly brown blanket with his head buried in a photo album. It was one he and I had not-so-painstakingly put together one late night a few months after Bailey was born. That book holds the most precious pictures dating back to when Zola was just a year old.

_He had heard the door creak just a tad against my hand and his head snapped up, he looked right at me. His hair was going every direction, he had bags and dark circles under his eyes, and his shirt was still stained from a grape juice incident with Zola that morning, but he gave me the biggest smile. One that never ceased to send a shiver down my spine and warm my heart, "Come here," he spoke softly._

_I pushed the door open a bit further and stepped through, "What are you doing in here?" I asked warmly, answering his smile with a curious one of my own. He simply raised his eyebrows, held out his hand, and pulled me onto his lap. Then he flipped to the front of the book, going through it page by page as we recounted each memory, with tender smiles and loud laughs. We had never done that before, cuddled in a pile to look back on the past. Perhaps it was because we didn't want to remember it before, the cheating wife, the bombs, the plane crashes, the car accidents, the death; all of it had simply been too much. Then we brought Zola and Bailey into the mix and suddenly the world didn't seem as cruel anymore, it was something I hadn't realized until that day. They made my world better, brighter, and happier in ways that I will never be able to explain. During the dark and twisty times that occurred even with them around, they were the bright spots. Just one smile, one hug, one kiss, and all of the bad would melt away. _

In that study, in that chair, with that blanket, and that book was where I found Derek just weeks after the accident. It was the day after my doctor's appointment, the day after we found out the littlest Shepherd would in fact be a baby girl.

"I was wondering where you ran off to," I whispered from my place against the doorframe. His head snapped up at the intrusion but he smiled as I pushed off the doorframe and rolled a desk chair next to him, before settling into it and throwing my feet onto his footstool.

For a few moments, neither of us uttered a word, we simply sat there, looking into each other's eyes. I'm not sure what he was thinking, but I do know that I was searching his eyes for any form of recognition or memory of me as his wife.

"I'm searching," he spoke up, clearing his throat. I could see it in his eyes, the helplessness, the hopelessness and burning desire to know himself once more, "I'm searching for memories," he continued slowly, as if he were afraid to upset me, "I keep hoping that I'll stumble on something that will bring it all back, you know? Something important enough, so important that it triggers the rest of my life, I guess," he laughed – a little dryly. I didn't know what to say exactly, or how to react, because right now he wasn't my husband. Right now he was just a man looking for answers and I happened to be one of his only sources.

"Well," I sighed a little, giving him a sad though reassuring smile, "how's that going?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably and massaging my belly as baby girl sent a jab to my ribs.

Without a word, he flipped to a certain photo; one of him and Zola on the couch of the Frat House, Zola lying on top of him, curled into his chest, both fast asleep. I barely remembered snapping that photo.

"A little boy opened the door to the backyard and slipped into the pool," Derek began slowly, and for a moment I was a bit stupefied, I had no sense of where he was going with this, "he hit his head on the edge on his way in. His parents rushed him to the emergency room. I worked on him for hours, long after he was obviously too far gone. I declared him brain dead 8 hours after his parents had brought him in. He was two years old, nearly the same age Zola was at the time."

My throat was closing up, my chest tightened, and my eyes watered, "Derek," I sputtered, tears racing down my cheeks too quickly for me to wipe them all away.

He turned away from the photo and pierced through my tears with a reminiscent smile, moving a hand gingerly to rub my leg, "I got home as quickly as I could that night and swooped her up as soon as I came through the door, the first thing I told you was that we were never, ever going to have a pool in our backyard. You looked concerned, but nodded, kissed me, and said okay," he trailed off, staring down at the picture a little longer.

I looked at him, tears still in my eyes, "You're remembering?" I croaked with a sniffle.

"I am," he whispered back, staring into my eyes with nothing but wonder filling his.

"So the absent-minded searching is going well, huh?" I laughed softly, wiping the remainder of my tears.

He sighed a little, and smiled hesitantly, "I guess you could say that. I think I'm going to go lay down for a while before dinner, if that's ok," he stated, letting the worn, leather bound book fall closed in his lap before dropping it to the floor beside his chair. I simply nodded and watched as he lifted himself from the chair gingerly, holding out his crutched for him as he stood. This elicited nothing but a simple, thankful smile before he turned his back and crutched slowly and gingerly toward the guest room.

I couldn't help but shiver as he left the room, not due to an obvious temperature decrease of course. It wasn't anything like that. Leaning into his old desk chair once more, I listened to the sounds of him crutching further and further away and my chest grew tight again. I was alone, for the first time in a long time. The alone part I was a bit used to, since he had been living primarily in D.C. I could handle being alone. What struck me, like an icicle through the heart, was the feeling of loneliness that flooded my being. I missed Derek, I missed my husband, my best friend, the man that made me laugh, and the man that comforted me and made me feel safe. Having that taken away was like losing a piece of myself.

That man that had just walked out the door wasn't my husband. My husband would've wiped away my tears. He would've have made fun of me for crying and blamed it on the raging hormones and then screamed something about 'tiny ineffectual fists' as I thrust mine at his shoulder. My husband would've assured me that everything would be ok and as many times as I had given him crap about it in the past, I would've cherished those words. He was the positive one, the bright and shiny one, he was the optimist. I didn't know how to do that… only take in the good.

As I sat there that afternoon, I wrapped myself in that stupid, ugly blanket and cried for the man I loved to return.

* * *

"Mommy," a tiny, foggy voice croaked in the distance, "Mama," it came once more; a little clearer now, followed by a slight shove near my elbow causing me to stir. With a sheen of sleep still coating my eyes, I squinted and stretched only to feel a slight twinge in my back.

Grimacing and reaching around to rub the small of my back, the form of my little girl became clear in front of me, "Hey, Zo," I whispered in a sleep-laced voice, "What's wrong, Love-bug?" I questioned, quickly realizing there were tears in her eyes.

Zola sniffled and inhaled a few shaky breaths, "I want my daddy back," she croaked, her tiny lip trembling with every letter.

In an instant, tears formed in my eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that day, "Come here," I whispered toward her, reaching my out my arms. She scrambled onto my lap, tucked herself snug into my side, and encompassed the bottom of my stomach with her legs, her free hand resting across the ever-growing field of baby, "I want him back too, Zo." I remarked, kissing the top of her toughly braided hair before resting my cheek against her head.

My heart broke for her because I was her once. A little girl lost without her Daddy. The difference, of course, was that my father had left willingly – on his own regard – while hers was ripped away from her by a horrible accident. Not in a million years would I be able to imagine what it was like for a 5 year old to see her dad every day knowing he had no idea who she was. Or Bailey, only 2 years old and having no concept of what was going on. In that moment and so many others there was nothing I wouldn't have given to bring Derek back. Not just for me, but for the kids – all three of them.

"Is he ever gonna know me, Mama," Zola's voice materialize amidst my thoughts.

Giving her a tight squeeze, and rubbing her back, I attempted to placate not only her but myself as well, "Of course he will. We'll teach him. Remember what I told you in the hospital? We'll show him why he loves us," I continued, running a hand across her braids rhythmically.

"Like how we teach Bailey stuff?" she muttered against me, fiddling with my hair as she looked up at me, her brown eyes looking bigger than yesterday.

Smiling down at her, I nodded, "Yes, exactly. Just like that. We'll show him our favorite places, the games you play together, and the songs he sings to you and your brother; they'll help him remember who we are. It might take a long time, and he might never remember everything, but he'll know you, Zo."

"How long? Like baby long or longer. Is he gonna remember when sister gets here?"

"He could, but Zo it might take him a really long time. Even until the baby is as old as Bailey or you," I told her hesitantly.

She fell quiet in a very anti-Zola way. The kind of quiet that stirred suspicion as she played and resulted in a new mural on her closet door. The kind of quiet that echoed every 'I'm fine' that breached the confines of my lips. The kind of quiet that told me she was anything but fine.

"Zo, what is it?" I questioned, nudging her slightly, "Tell me what you're thinking."

"What if he loves the baby more… because he knows her better?" she asked, innocently looking up at me.

In that moment, my mind went blank. What is someone supposed to say to that? How was I supposed to begin to explain this kind of thing to a five year old when I nearly understand it myself?

"Because… because he's your daddy too," I began tentatively, "he's still him deep down and even though he doesn't remember why, he still feels love for you. He told you the other night when you said goodnight that he loved you, didn't he?"

"Yeah," she murmured against me.

"It'll all be ok," I said with a sigh, rubbing her back once more, "He just needs time."

"I don't like time," Zola begrudged.

My chest shook with my head as I let out a laugh, "I don't either, Kid," I whispered tenderly. It broke my heart that she had to go through all of this at such a young age, I had wanted so badly to protect her from these horrible curveballs life throws. We sat there in silence for a couple minutes more, Zola rubbing my belly in rhythmic circles as her little sister practiced for the Olympics while I rubbed her back and caressed her in a way I had always wanted my own mother to do.

However, the sounds of silence were abruptly pierced by harsh tones echoing from the kitchen. Whispers that, in mere seconds turned to full blown yelling.

"Mommy?" Zola asked, gazing toward me with fear in her big brown eyes.

"It's ok, Love-bug. Why don't you go lay in bed with your book," I urged her.

She jumped as Mom's voice boomed through the house, "Nana doesn't yell Mama," she whimpered.

"I know, I'm gonna see what's going on, but I'll be in there to read the next chapter in just a few minutes," I finished with a terribly masked tense smile.

Zola stubbornly obliged, "Oompf," I puffed as she hopped off my lap with a shove and began running out of the room, "Walk, please," I called after her. The last thing we needed today was a set of stitches.

With Zola gone, I made my way out of the room and to the wall just around the corner from the kitchen, pausing to wince at the jabs to my ribs and a kick to the bladder. I hovered there for a moment once Derek's voice erupted.

I peeked around the corner and watched as he scoffed and shook his head, bewildered, "You don't want to help me!" he roared, "You want to help yourself, both of you do."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, you know that's not true!" his mother bit back in a turn I had never heard from the woman I had taken to calling 'Mom'

"You want your son back. Meredith wants her husband and the father of her kids back. You don't want to help me. You want to change me, or turn me back. Any way you look at it, you don't want me. You want who I used to be and that person may never exist again," his fingers ran trails through his dark locks in vicious frustration.

The rims of her eyes began tinting red and my heart clenched, beating faster as they continued, "Don't bring…" me into this, she was going to say. She was very protective, that's one thing I had begun to love about her.

"What then, huh? What are you gonna do when you realize that I will never be the son I used to be?! Are you gonna lock me in a room and throw away the key? Are you gonna put me in some home and let me rot? No, no, no you might just keep me around forever and make me live the life of a man that no longer exists!" Derek's rant halted and left the house eerily quiet, save for the whimpers of Bailey echoing from his bedroom. Great; ruined naps were always detrimental to a two year old.

I couldn't take it anymore, the silence and the crying of my baby, "Maybe we are being selfish, maybe we are asking for too much," my voice took on a harsh crescendo as I finally made myself known.

Both of their heads snapped in my direction, "Meredith, dear…" Mom began in a tone much softer than before, one that seemed to be a compilation of apology and protection.

"…but I love you," I directed toward Derek, cutting her off," I have loved you for over ten years, I can't imagine loving anyone else and I didn't think I would ever have to think about it until you were that dumbass who played a game of bumper cars with a semi!"

As soon as the words began tumbling from my mouth, they snowballed and I couldn't stop them.

Derek opened his mouth to retort angrily, "It wa…"

I cut him off sharply, "So I'm sorry if you find me overbearing and hover-y and annoying, but I'm your wife whether you like or not. I love you just as much today as I did four months ago, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste of music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you," for just a moment, I could have sworn I saw a wisp of remembrance cross his eyes and fuse with the anger that lay there, "and I know you aren't the same person. Good God, I know, but I don't care. I promised to love you, to take care of you, to trust you; in sickness and health," I continued, in a tone that mirrored begging, "I'm not gonna give that up just because you don't remember and if that bothers you… well then fuck you. Go spend a week at in the trailer with Owen to cool off and then get your ass back over here so we can fight about it some more, because I am not done. This will NOT be the end of us!" I finished abruptly, my chest heaving as my hands finally stopped directing my words and came to rest on my stomach and back.

"Fine!" he snapped back, heaving himself off of the bar stool and grabbing his crutches only to wince as he moved quickly.

"Fine! Now if you'll excuse me, you woke up your son," my voice finally cracked and a tear traced the outline of my nose and cheek. As I began shuffling down the hallway, all of the energy that ten minute nap earlier had given me, drained from my body. My shoulders sagged and it was as if I suddenly felt the weight of the baby I was carrying, but as I reached Bailey's door and the sound of his crocodile tears escalated; none of that mattered. Before I knew it, I was cuddling him close in his cloud-like rocking chair and hoping beyond reason for everything to go back to the way it was before the accident.

* * *

Something Meredith had mentioned as she yelled at me in the middle of the kitchen just hours ago, had me stupefied. Those few rambled, mashed-together sentences had struck a chord somewhere. I couldn't exactly pin-point where; in some ways the cord reached my head, in others, I felt it in my heart. As soon as those words tumbled from her rosy lips, 'hold a radio over my head outside your window unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you,' my body was sent into a frenzy.

Those words were so fresh, yet so aged simultaneously and I couldn't shake the feeling that she had uttered those same words before. It wasn't until I had made my way to the trailer, nearly on the other end of the property that I had flashes of her in light blue scrubs, me in navy ones, and a metal sink between us as we were donned in scrub caps.

In the span of just the past few hours, I had actually taken her advice and found myself in a tin box with a fire-torch haired man that I didn't know... or remember, I guess. I have to say the combination of my injuries and a small living space made for very efficient travel. The ease of having everything just in reach was something that comforted me. No reason to worry about falling and not being able to get up and to the bathroom here, two scoots and I was there, from just about every angle. Not that I had tried, of course.

Having had time to decompress after the spat with Mom and Meredith earlier in the day, I was still frustrated. However, my frustration was nearly, but not quite, overshadowed by the fact that I had yelled at my Mother and pregnant 'wife' most-likely effectively scarring two little kids for life – said adults would have to deal with that. Though I couldn't shake the frustration enough to actually care yet, because those people in that giant house on this giant cliff, with giant windows miss someone that I can't bring back. As frustrated as I was that they expected me to be that person again and soon, I was even more frustrated that I couldn't bring that man back for them.

I wanted to be him. I wanted to be Meredith's husband and the kids' dad. I wanted to remember the first time I saw her and the first time I pissed her off. I wanted to remember our wedding, and the day we met each kid. I wanted to remember every time we fought, for and with each other. I wanted to remember every time I held her while she cried, every time I made her laugh and smile. Dammit, I wanted to remember my life, to know who I am! But I wasn't and I couldn't and I didn't.

And I didn't know if I ever would.

"Want a beer, Shep?" Fire-torched (also known as Owen Hunt apparently) asked, from his place by the fire.

I shrugged, "Doesn't mix well with the meds, but thanks," I replied, shifting in my chair, attempting to stretch my hips.

"Well it's good to know you don't have a death wish," Hunt joked with smirk.

"I just yelled at two very strong-willed women, I would argue that," I chuckled.

"Touché, water then?"

"Sure."

Hunt nodded, before pulling himself from his chair with more grace than I could wish to have nowadays, and trudged into the tin can behind us.

"So how do you know my wife well enough to score a trailer on our land?" I question as he made his way back to the fire.

"The twisted sisters," he stated simply.

"Alright man, I'm brain-damaged, you're gonna have to help me out here."

He scoffed a chuckle, "Meredith's best friend, possibly the only other person she has ever loved more than you, with an exception of your spawns of course, was the other half of the twisted sisters."

"Have I met the twisted sister? Because in the weeks I've been here since the accident I don't remember anyone she was that close to coming by," I questioned, obviously puzzled.

"No, you haven't. If you have, I would be surprised. Cristina, the twisted sister, moved to Switzerland."

"Switzerland?"

"She got a job offer and left. They talked a lot at first, but over time it dwindled. I know she came by while you were in the hospital, Meredith begged her to stay but she refused," he continued on, picking at the label of his bottle.

"If Meredith is her best friend, why wouldn't she stay, at a time like this?" questions swirled in my mind as to who this mysterious woman was and my heart began to ache for Meredith knowing that the woman who she counted on refused to stay by her side when she needed her most; when she had practically lost her husband.

"Beats me, I've wondered the same thing myself. In the end, though, they're very different people. Meredith isn't the most sensitive person in the world, unless it comes to you and the kids, but compared to Cristina, she's a step-ford wife," he joked, "Cristina's all business, all the time. Work is her life and when you and Meredith had kids and Meredith started cutting back her hours to be there for them, they started drifting apart, I think. Cristina didn't understand how Meredith could give up surgery for anything and Meredith didn't understand how Cristina could put surgery over everything. Don't get me wrong, they were still insanely close. When Cristina and I got divorced, Meredith stayed with her for at least a week."

"Wait, you and Cristina?"

"Ahhh, yes. That's how I got the trailer, best friend's ex-husband."

"I see," I noted, raising my eyebrows, "I have a feeling we've had many a bonding moment over those two."

"Like you wouldn't believe," he chuckled.

"It's odd, you know?" I asked rhetorically, a slightly whimsical tone to my voice, "I have no idea who she is. I don't know what her favorite book is, what kind of ice-cream she likes – if she even likes ice-cream! Hell I don't even know her middle name," I finished with a laugh.

Hunt nodded and gestured with his beer bottle, "Hence the brain damage diagnosis."

"Shut-up, that's not the point," I reprimanded with a smile, "What I mean is, despite all of that, by the time I was with her for a matter of minutes, I was comfortable."

"Meredith has that effect on people," he smirked.

"I can see that," I conceded honestly, "But it was more than just that, I felt at home and I didn't know why, I don't know, I guess that's what gets me the most, you know? The feeling things without knowing why part."

"I like that you're so in touch with your feminine side, Shep," Hunt winked, before moving his eyebrows in a worm-like fashion.

"Shut-up and drink your warm beer," I retorted, leaning back some more, wincing a muscle deep within my thigh twinged.

My eyes wandered from the dancing flame-engulfed ring on the ground toward the edge of the cliff off to my left where the sun was yet sliding under a gray sheet of mountains in the distance, vibrant yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples all swirling together to bid the sun farewell.

* * *

_It was early, about 4:45 am to be exact and Meredith and I had only lived in what her friends had dubbed the 'McDream-House' for about three days. When we made the plans for the house, we agreed, we would sit on the deck and watch the sunrise over the mountains and across the trees, spanning the sky to begin the day, together at the least once a month. _

_"Meredith," I whispered in to her ear softly, watching single hairs moved across her cheek with my breath. She was lying on her back, one arm above her head and one over her waist, I kissed her cheek, nuzzled my nose against her ear and whispered again, "Meredith."_

_She responded with a groan and scrunched up her nose, "Whaddaya want?"_

_"We have to go watch the sunrise," I told her, wrapping my arm across her waist to pull her on to her side. As I did, she moved in closer, folding herself into my chest, her head resting under my chin, "Come on," I groaned playfully, "We had a deal."_

_"But it's s'warm in here," murmured, "s'like a cocoon," she finished._

_"We can bring some blankets on the deck with us, come on we're gonna miss it and then you'll actually be pissed at me for waking you up for no reason," I attempted to reason with her._

_"Fine," she groaned, "You're lucky I love you," she told me as she rolled away and out of the bed, taking the comforter with her, "Comin' or what?"_

_I laughed and crawled out of bed, following her out the wooden door, down the couple steps and straight outside where the sun had barely begun to peak through, "Perfect timing," I murmured as I took the blanket from around her shoulders – earning a glare in return –and sat in a deck chair before pulling her into my lap and wrapping the blanket around both of us. _

_"Mmhmm," she nodded, turning to smirk at me, "you're such a nerd."_

_"Excuse me?" I asked, feigning offense._

_"Mr. let's wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to watch the sunrise even though we have a toddler and get no sleep as is," she mocked, dropping her voice an octave. _

_"Whatever," I said, squeezing her tighter and nibbling at her ear, "admit it… it's pretty great."_

_Meredith laughed at the nibbling then smiled, "Fine, you win. It's really great. We should do this every morning."_

_As soon as the words left her mouth, a laugh erupted from the pit of my stomach and bubbled out loudly. I laughed so hard, there were tears in my eyes and I'm most-definite redness was spreading from my neck to my face._

_"Come on! It's not that funny, I was an intern once, ya know," she defended, "I could do it."_

_"Yes, Dear," I said, still laughing. _

_She pouted, "Shut-up," and shoved her fist into my shoulder._

_"Not the tiny-ineffectual fists!" I laughed once more. _

_The moment calmed from there and we sat in silence for a few minutes, smiles on our faces, just looking._

_"I really love you, ya know?" she said with a nudge._

_I nodded, "I really love you too," I whispered, nudging her back._

_Meredith smiled ever so slightly before grabbing for my left arm and stroking the brace that covered part of it, "How's the wrist?" she asked tentatively._

_"Stiff," I muttered._

_She shifted, "Do you… want to think about the nerve graft?" _

_"I don't want to think about any of it," I began._

_"Derek," she interjected half-heartedly._

_ "I'm tired of having a hard time holding our kid, Meredith and not being able to play with her like I used to. I just want to go back in time, I want then to be alive. I want my wrist to be perfectly fine," I told her honestly._

_She turned her head to look at me and stroked my jawline, "I know, me too. I'm sorry," she sighed._

* * *

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Hunt's voice came from next to me as I opened my eyes.

I groaned, partially at his comment, but mostly because of the soreness I had accumulated, "How long was I out?" I asked.

"About 20 minutes, Meredith did swing by and drop off some meds you forgot and your leg brace in case you want it."

"Oh, ok," I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over at the now dark sky, "She's not a morning person," I began, "but she likes to watch the sunrise."

He simply looked at me with an unclear expression.

"Meredith does," I continued, "I had this dream, except it was more than a dream, I think it was a memory."

"What do you mean more than a dream?" he asked, "How could you tell the difference?"

"It's… ahhh, it's like in a dream; everything's so foggy, so unclear. You don't know too many details, just enough to get by, but this… this was more than that. I knew everything, the way her hair looked, and the way I felt, I even knew what I was gonna say before I said it."

"Ok," Hunt said slowly, "so you're remembering things?"

"Just that, the bar, and the I love you in the scrub room thing" I told him.

"That's progress, man, what more can you hope for?" he questioned rhetorically.

"Yeah," I hummed, but I couldn't help but want more. Need more. I needed to remember overnight, I was sick of having no idea who I was, but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

* * *

_You see, actually not remembering who you are or who your family is… it sucks. It's like that feeling you get when you wake up not knowing where your life is going or what you believe in, but times one hundred. Unlike the latter, forgetting who you are doesn't change overnight. Whereas you could wake up one day and feel better about the direction of your life again. You have good days and bad days. Days when you need to know everything now and days when you're ok with the mystery your life has begun because every moment is a chance to remember or to make new memories._

**_Thanks again to those of you who stuck around or are back here reading this thing again! I appreciate each and every one of you. (even the ghost readers - because I'm SO guilty of being one!)_**

**_Again, I'm sorry about the delay and I don't know how long the wait will be, but we're in the home stretch! He's remembering, it's almost over!_**

**_Review if you want, don't if you don't :) _**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Hey! It didn't take me 6 months to upload! I'm movin' up in the world, peeps! Thanks to those who have stuck around this whole time and to the new-comers, you're very much appreciated!**

**If you feel like it, throw a review my way, I appreciate the feed back and it's a great way for me to gauge whether people like the format, length, style, ect. of the update. I'd love to hear any constructive criticism you have, I'm sure there's a bunch. If you don't feel like it and you'd rather just enjoy (hopefully) then that's totally understandable. **

**Read. Review. Hopefully enjoy.**

* * *

_Kids pick up on a hell of a lot more than most people give them credit for. There's a reason they seem to hug you a little tighter when you're sad or play a little quieter when you're frustrated. Even on those days when they wake up too early and don't take a nap, or when they don't listen and run around like they're in a circus, or when they kick and scream about going to play outside one minute and the next they're doing the same because they don't want to go inside. They know, but as with adults, they don't always take the time to tell you they know, or they're just too frustrated with you that day. _

Everyone who knows Zola knows she's a daddy's girl. So when Derek up and disappeared, she was not happy. Even amongst the crazy, mixed up feelings that go along with your Daddy not knowing who you are, she missed him. Not only did she miss him, but she was mad. Mad at me. Mad at him. Mad at Bailey. Hell she was mad at the world.

"No, Mommy!" Zola shouted from the top of her lungs, "I am not goin' to the zoo without Daddy," she pouted, stomping her little foot before plopping herself on the mahogany bench by the door for emphasis.

"Zola," I groaned, lacing up Bailey's shoes as he sat next to his sister, rubbing the ear of the monkey he was hugging with one hand and sucking on his other thumb.

She sent a glare toward me with the force of a lightning bolt, "No!"

I placed a hand on her tiny thigh, "Daddy needs some time alone right now, ok? He can't come to the zoo with us."

Her arms crossed tightly over her chest and her eyes shining with anger, she hopped up, "But Mom, we were s'posed to go before D.C. then after D.C and then he got hurt, but now his owies are getting better and I need him to go!"

"I know, Zo," my voice a soft whisper this time, "I know he promised you," I told her, focusing my attention of Bailey's other shoe.

"He's a liar!" Zola said sternly.

"Zola, that is not true," I told her patiently, "he can't help that he got hurt," I spoke and watched as she marched her shoes-less feet to where Gi-Gi was placed on the couch and picked it up roughly.

"Don't you dare throw that," my voice came sternly as I looked toward her, "All done, buddy," I whispered to Bailey, placing a lingering kiss to his soft forehead and capturing his smiling face just as it crumpled in fear as he heard Gi-Gi hit the window, "It's ok, why don't you and Monkey go play with your cars for a minute," I offered as Zola stomped over to Gi-Gi and put her foot into the stuffed animals side.

"O-tay," he said around his thumb while I hoisted myself off the ground, using the bench as leverage with one hand under my bump and made my way to Zola.

"Go away, go away, go away," Zola muttered to herself as she continuously plowed into her giraffe.

Bending down, rather ungracefully, I snatched the giraffe from the under abusive 5 year old, "Zola, you know that we do not throw things and we certainly do not kick," I told her seriously.

"Keep it! I don't want it anymore," she blurted before shoving past me and running to her room.

"No run, O!" Bailey cried after her in the cutest angry voice as he raced his cars over the tea-party table.

I couldn't help but chuckle at him and sigh. As I stood there, giraffe in hand, it brought me back to the day Derek had gotten it for her at the zoo. It was only about a month after Bailey was born, she was only 3 at the time and could barely say the word 'giraffe'.

* * *

_"Zoo, zoo, zoo!" Zola screeched, kicking her legs wildly from Derek's arms as we walked away from the ticket booth._

_"You're not excited are you?" he asked her in a bewildered tone, running his fingers across her belly and eliciting a giggle from the little girl._

_I bounced up and down and swayed a little as baby Bailey, who was strapped to my chest with a wrap, squirmed a bit at her loud shrieks. Handing a ticket to Zola, I asked her, "Do you want to give this to the lady, Love-bug?"_

_She nodded her head vigorously and a smile spread clear across her face once more as we walked toward the line to get in. _

_I smirked at Derek as he scoffed, "I'm still winning, I got her to put her shoes on," he boasted with a whisper that tickled my ear as I whipped my head to look at him._

_"Fine," he chuckled with a shake of his head, adjusting Zola on his hip while she gave her ticket to be marked, reaching over to rub my back, "but I'll get you later, watch yourself," he warned._

_"Thank you," I told the girl as I giggled at Derek, "What do you wanna see first Zo?"_

_"Wions!" she stated excitedly._

_"Lions it is," I agreed, gazing down at Bailey and rubbing his tiny back as he yawned and his mouth opened wide._

_ "Walk, Dada, walk," she insisted, shimmying her little body to get down._

_"Ok, but you have to hold my hand," Derek told her, leaning down to set her little feet on the ground, "I think someone's going to sleep through the lions," he said softly, looking over at Bailey as Zola ran a circle around him and hopped up and down before grasping his hand tightly._

_"Mmhmm," I agreed, kissing the top of the newborn's head, breathing in his baby smell._

_"Wions, wions, wions," Zola chanted as we began walking toward the exhibit. _

_"Someone was checkin' you out back there," I told Derek._

_He chuckled, "Oh really? Was it you?" he threw in there slyly._

_I rolled my eyes at him as Zola ran in front of him to get between us and reached for both of our hands, "Wing, Mama Dada, Wing," she pleaded._

_"It was definitely not me," I told him._

_"Ouch, Meredith," he retorted with a wince and a wink, "Alright, Zo, you ready?" he asked the toddler._

_"Yes!" _

_"Ok… one… two…three…" and she was flying just above the ground._

_"Wee," she squealed happily._

_"Look at you go, Zola!" I told her sweetly, "Whatever, you know that's not what I meant," I told Derek, rolling my eyes as he counted for Zola again._

_"One… two… three!" he called to her, with a squeaky 'wee' to follow, "And you know that the only one I have my eyes on is you," he told me sweetly, reaching over to kiss my cheek._

_"I do," I giggled, "but she doesn't."_

_"Well screw her then," he chuckled._

_"You better not!" I joked with him._

_"Ha-ha very funny," now it was his turn to roll his eyes, "Look, Zo! Lions!"_

_"Wions!" she shrieked again, running up to the railing and attempting to peak through, "Up, up," she said as she reached toward Derek. He swept her up into his arms and held her tight near the edge of the rail so she could get a good look, "Zo go der, Dada?" she asked him innocently._

_"No," Derek said sternly as his grip on her tightened visibly, "You don't want to go in there, lions are really big and they can give you owies."_

_"Daddy's right, Zo, it's no fun down there," I said, swallowing hard. I would not be the next family in the news because their toddler fell into an enclosure._

_We walked around the park slowly, stopping to see every animal we came across. Zola pet wallabies and sting rays and fed birds with Derek, squealing in a combination of fear and excitement when three landed in his hair. Bailey slept through the whole thing like a champ – much to our relief. An hour and a half later, Derek and I walked side by side as Zola attempting to stay awake in his arms._

_I looked over at the tired little girl, "Do you want to go pick out your own animal with Daddy?" I asked as Bailey began to stir._

_She nodded with a tired smile and placed her head in the crook of Derek's neck. He cradled her closer, rubbing her back rhythmically. _

_"Alright, let's go!" Derek said excitedly, "What kind of animal do you want, Zo?"_

_"Big one!" she exclaimed, "Mama come!"_

_"I'm gonna go to the car and feed your brother," I told her with a soft smile as Bailey started to fuss, "but go with Daddy and find the best animal in there."_

_"Ok, seeya in a minute. Come on, let's go!" Derek replied with a smile before we went in different directions. _

_Ten minutes later, Zola came bounding up to the car with Derek close behind just as I began burping Bailey from the front seat, "Gi-Gi Mama!" Zola exclaimed as she climbed up and Derek buckled her in. _

_"That's about as close to saying giraffe as she can get," Derek chuckled, placing a tender kiss on her forehead, "huh Princess?"_

_"Gi-Gi!" she giggled, kicking her feet as Derek backed out of the car and shut her door._

_"I see, that's so cool, Zola!" I told her as Bailey let out a large burp causing her to giggle, "Does that feel better buddy?" I questioned, brushing my lips against the top of his head as Derek opened my door._

_He smiled down at us, "I'll put him in his car seat," he offered, "I haven't had baby cuddles all morning. Have I? No I haven't," he squeaked toward Bailey as I handed the little bundle toward him. It was that voice, the special one he saved just for the babies. I hadn't heard it in so long until Bailey was born, not since Zola was a baby. It made my heart flip, flop, and leap in my chest. _

_Derek stood next to the car for a moment, cradling Bailey between his hands, just looking down at him… talking to him, "Here's his blanket," I said, handing Derek the thin, white baby blanket with tiny brown monkeys all over it. _

_He peeled his eyes away from the baby just long enough to smile at me and take it from my grasp, "Alright, buddy," he whispered to the baby boy, "Let's get you in there," he shifted the baby to one arm and moved to open the door. _

_As Derek got him situated, I continued packing away the baby wipes, dirty diaper, diaper rash cream, and other miscellaneous baby essentials before buckling as he shut the door and turning my attention to Zola and her new friend. _

_"She's pretty cool, Zo," I told her, reaching around to rub the giraffe's fur, "Soft too," I said, smiling widely at her._

_She nodded sleepily, "Sof', Mama."_

_"Did you say thank you to Daddy?" I asked her._

_Her little eyelids fell heavier and heavier with every blink, "Love Dada," she mumbled with a smile as she relaxed into her seat, "Ho'd han' Mama," she decided. _

_I reached up and let her still-chubby little fingers grasp a couple of my own, rubbing the back of her hand, "She's so cute," I groaned, making eye contact with Derek and sharing a smile._

_"She takes after her mom," he retorted with a wink as he threw the car in drive. _

_I rolled my eyes at him for what was probably the millionth time that day, "You're pretty cute too, you know," I told him with a laugh as I replaced my hand with a giraffe leg to end the awkward twisting of my torso. _

_"Cute?" he asked, offended, "I am not cute. I'm hot," he finished with an accent on the 't' and a smirk in my direction. _

_"And so humble," I giggled, shaking my head and placing a hand on his thigh, "You are pretty hot though, are you sure you didn't get that girl's number?" I asked with a smirk of my own._

_"When? In between chasing a two year old, trying to keep her out of the lion's pit, and looking at you? How much time do you think I have woman?" he joked looking over at me as he stopped at a light._

_"Can I just say how glad I am that our daughter didn't end up on the news because she ran into cuddle the frickin' lions," I told him with a hesitant laugh._

_He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled in the same way, "No kidding, I swear that kid could break out of a maximum security prison if she saw an animal outside," he joked. _

_"She better not wind up in prison."_

_"It was an analogy, Meredith," he chuckled, glancing over at me with an amused look on his face. _

_"What? Don't look at me like that, pretty much every other terrible thing has happened in our families, why not throw some prison time in there?" I shrugged._

_"Meredith!" he laughed._

_"What?" I shrugged, "It's true. She'd never do anything to get her there though, not if it would disappoint you. Unless she turns into a rebellious teenager and winds up hating us."_

_"She's not going to hate us," he laughed. _

_"Oh she probably will," I told him with a laugh, "but for now all she wants is to be with you."_

_"That means I'm winning, right?" he asked seriously. _

_"Shut up!" I whisper-shouted at him._

_"That's a yes, plus, in her world, I just gave her the best gift ever," he smirked cockily, "and I kept her from crawling in to nap with the lions, and I got her buckled in record time."_

_"Whatever, I was the one with a baby strapped to my chest all day!" I retorted._

_He shrugged, "But you wouldn't have traded it for anything," he said honestly, "I may be Zola's favorite right now, but you're his favorite."_

_"Because I have the boobs! I feed him," I laughed._

_"Exactly and I'll admit I'm a little jealous, but I have… I don't know what I have that Zola loves so much," he chuckled, "but one day she's gonna want to talk about boys and kissing and I don't wanna deal with that. And one day he's gonna want to talk about girls and cars and fishing and I'll be good with that. We'll trade," he said, nonchalantly._

_"Jealous of him or jealous of me? Because I'm sorry, but you've seen them lately and I don't think you'd have any fun with them," I laughed as he stopped at another light and looked over at me tenderly._

_"First of all; I'll never fail to have fun with you," he smiled, that special smile, "and second; I'm not a chauvinist pig, Meredith" he laughed. _

_My mouth formed a large smile and I looked him in the eye, "I love you," I told him, "The light's green though."_

_He winked and let yet another chuckle rumble from his sternum._

_"There's a lot to love about you," I whispered. _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, what you said about not knowing what you have that Zola likes, there's a lot, Derek," I told him softly, "She gets attention from you now that I can't give her because of the boobs thing plus even before that, you played dress up, had tea parties, you read her bedtime stories and let her help you in the kitchen. Hell, you even take her into your office to color while you do paperwork," I told him with a chuckle, "that's why she loves you. You're a really good Dad," I smiled at him, squeezing his thigh. _

_He looked at me with a wide, smile, shining eyes and all of the love in the world, "Thank you," he whispered, "You're pretty great to you know?" he said lowly. _

_"Oh I know," I retorted cockily and we shared a laugh._

* * *

I had almost forgotten how great life was. Before the job with the president. Before the countless meetings in D.C. Before the missing him. Before the fighting. Sure, we resolved it eventually. But things were strained for so long. All we did was fight when he first got the job offer and before we actually started listening to each other. I missed that, when we actually lived in the same house and did things as a family.

Zola must miss that too. Having her dad coming and going all the time and at unexpected times at that. Missing her ballet recitals. Derek was a good dad even from D.C, but not nearly as great as he was when he was home. She had that giraffe for two years and she still carried around with her everywhere. Until then at least.

"I'll be right back Bailey," I promised, having waddled around the couch to where he was seated at the little table and kissed the top of his head.

"Zoo?" he asked, his head moving up to look at me with puppy dog eyes.

"I don't know Monkey," I told him honestly, "we might have to go to the park instead," I said, in hopes he wouldn't crumble where he sat.

"S'ide!" he yelled, before turning back to his cars as I puffed a sigh of relief and continued making my way to Zola's room.

As I reached her door, the one with pink and purple flowery letters that spelled out her name, I knocked twice before opening it slowly, "Hey, sweetie," I whispered.

She was lying face down in her bed on top of her covers, "Go 'way!" she muttered into her pillow.

I sighed, moving closer to sit on the edge of her bed near the middle, with one leg tucked up and the other hanging off, "I'm not going away," I told her softly as I cupped the swell of baby that sat on my lap, "You and I, we have some stuff to talk about."

"Nuh-uh," she sniffled in a groan.

"I'm not mad at you, Zo," I told her honestly, "I'm sad that you were angry and I'm sad about how you showed me, but I'm not mad."

"You're not?" she asked me innocently. She squirmed on to her side and curled her knees to her tiny chest, peaking at me with one eye.

I smiled tenderly at her and shook my head, rubbing a hand over the crown of her head, "I know that Daddy broke promises to you. He broke promises to me too," I informed her, "and it's ok to be angry with him about it, but Zola," I stopped for a moment and looked up at the ceiling, attempting to pull my thoughts together, "The daddy that's here now is… different than the daddy that we had before he got hurt. He doesn't know that he broke promises," I finished with a groan, I was not doing very well at this whole mom thing today.

"But why he run away?" she asked, her little voice crackling like a fire bringing tears to my eyes.

I sniffled and looked up at the ceiling once more, this time to hold back tears, "Because he's afraid," I told her simply, as I felt my face crumple a little.

"Like I'm 'fraid of the dark?" she questioned and I could nearly see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to wrap her little mind around it.

"Kind of," I admitted, clearing my throat as it cracked, "but it's more like… remember the first day of preschool?" I asked her and she nodded, "You were scared because you didn't know who anyone was. There was a room full of people who wanted to know you, they were scared too. You wanted to run away," I smiled at her with wet eyes.

She nodded, "But you and Daddy maded me stay."

"That's right," I whispered, "Scoot over," I told her as I got up from the bed and moved to the top of it to sit down, throwing my legs up and leaning back against her head board. Zola curled into my lap and we were now sprawled on her bed in nearly the exact position we were in Derek's office two weeks ago.

"You shoulda maded Daddy stay, Mom," she told me seriously.

I laughed dryly and a tear ran down my cheek, "I know, but he was so mad, Zo. He didn't want to be around me and Nana anymore."

Using a hand against my chest to prop herself so she could look me in the eye, "Don' cry Mama," she whispered.

Then I told her something my mother had never told me, "It's ok to cry sometimes, Zola. Sometimes you just have to, to feel better."

"Can we make Daddy come back?" she asked with a frown on her face, "Daddy makes you 'top crying."

I laughed marginally as I kissed her forehead with a stretch, "He does, but this daddy isn't the same, remember?"

She huffed a sigh and melted back into me, pressing her ear against my stomach, rubbing it with her hand a little, "I know. This Daddy's the one that maded you cry."

"Yeah," I told her in a croaky voice. There was no sense in lying to her now.

"Him needs to 'poligize," she said, determined, "and then come home."

"I'll tell you what," I whispered, "in a couple days, I'll see if he's ready to come home," I promised her. He was being medicated for the pain which was a pretty sure indication I wouldn't happen upon a trailer full of trash and beer cans.

"But what if him makes you cry 'gain," she said seriously, in the most 'duh mom' voice I had ever heard come from her tiny lips.

"Then I'll come back home and we can eat ice-cream with Nana and Bailey," I replied and soon as the words left my mouth, a giant grin erupted on her face.

"Mommy you can cry 'gain then," she said slyly, much like Derek would have.

"Zola!" I laughed as a tiny blonde head poked into the room and opened the door wide.

"Hi!" Bailey said loudly, with a big grin on his face.

"Hey Monkey," I said softly, "Wanna come snuggle?" I asked, patting the small open space on the other side of me.

" 'nuggle!" he shouted and ran full speed to the bed, throwing his monkey up first.

"How about we have ice-cream anyway instead of the zoo," I offered to Zola as I helped Bailey up and pulled them both close.

"I-cweam!" Bailey shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

Zola smiled, "Can we watch Nemo too?" she asked, tilting her head and batting her eyelashes.

I laughed, shaking my head, "Why not?"

By the time dinner and baths were done for the night, Bailey and Zola were more than ready for bed and went out like lights, much to our pleasure. Bailey only asked for Derek once and there were no tears this time and as far as I knew, Zola hadn't mentioned him since our conversation earlier in the day.

* * *

I shut Bailey's door carefully and made my way down the hall and toward the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. Just before I went to turn into the kitchen, a shadow-figure cast by the porch lights caught my eye. I took a detour, making my way over toward the form, not at all surprised to see Derek's mom leaning back in the chair, looking out over the sky; still slightly painted from the sunset. Her head turned and she smiled softly as I slid the door open. Returning her smile, I stepped out and made my way to the chair next to her, pulling my sweater tighter around myself as the cool breeze brushed past, wrapping my body in a brief coolness.

She cleared her throat, "I always knew the city wasn't right for him," Mom started softly as I settled into the deck chair, "the noises, the busyness, not being able to see the starts at night."

"For Derek?" I asked, letting out a breath slowly and leaning my head back with my eyes closed.

She nodded with a small smile dancing on her lips, "He was so up-tight when he lived in Manhattan. Always working, never home, and I never pictured that for him. The kind of life where he wouldn't want to be home, where he wouldn't go home to his wife. But this," she grinned at me ,"This is what he has always wanted," she stated softly.

"Yeah?" I asked, opening my eyes, turning my head toward her, and matching her tone, "You really think so?"

"Hmmm," she hummed, much in the way Derek always did, with a smile gracing her face, "I know it. He needs all of it, the fresh air, fishing, freedom, you. Mostly you though and those babies of yours."

I smiled, tears shining in my eyes, "He loves them. A lot. We were finally happy again" I said, a shuddery sigh shaky my shoulders.

"Life kind of sucks that way, doesn't it?" she laughed dryly.

Nodding, I rubbed a spot just above my belly button, "I want her to know him," I sighed, "I want her to know who he was before the accident."

"And he might never be that person again," she added for me.

"Yeah," my voice shook, "Zola will remember at least a little bit, but Bailey's too young. He doesn't even know that Derek's not the same," I laughed, "He just knows he isn't here and that I'm a mess."

"You're scared, aren't you?" Mom asked, "that you'll have to raise them by yourself."

I nodded as a tear ran down the curve of my nose, "I didn't even want kids before Derek and now look at me," I laughed, wiping away the tear, "I just... I love them all so much," my breath hitched and my voice scratched, "and I really don't want to mess them up," I told her honestly.

"Oh, Dear. You won't," she assured me, squeezing my hand tightly.

"How do you know that?" I asked, "This one hasn't even been born yet and I can barely handle Bailey and Zola for a day by myself."

"That's not true," she admonished, "You're a great Mom, Meredith. If you thought you had everything under control, I would be worried," she laughed, "Each day is a roll of the dice with kids, you never know what's going to happen next and that's ok," she laughed as I made a face at her comments and continued, "that baby is going to be just fine. She'll be so loved by all of you... including Derek," she finished pointedly.

I sighed and groaned, "Fine. Derek always says that too, that everything's going to be fine. But you just said you never know what's going to happen," I pointed out.

"You're impossible, you know that?" she laughed.

"Derek always says that too," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"You know? Derek is a lot like his father."

"How so?" I asked curiously, bringing my hands together to rest on top on my bump.

"When things got frustrating or hard, Chris used to go on fishing trips. He would pack up all of his things, kiss me, and tell me he'd see me in a few days," she said wistfully, "He'd tell me he…needed to clear his head, come up with a game plan."

"I think that's what Derek's doing," I whispered, looking down at my stomach and smoothing my hands up and down my shirt as the littlest Shepherd rolled.

Mom smiled and nodded, "I do too," she agreed, "but… I think he's spent far too long running away from this."

I swallowed thickly as a lump formed in my throat and tears rimmed my eyes, "He's just not ready yet," I muttered with a croak in my voice.

"Sweetie, do you think he's ever going to be ready to deal with this?" she asked honestly, reaching to place a hand on my arm.

I shook my head and swiped a tears from my cheek, letting out a shaky breath, "But I'm n..not ready either," I cried, "He's… he's not… him," I struggled to get out, my breathing labored, "I mean, he is but he's not and I… I want him back you know? But I want him, I want him so badly to be back"

"I know," she whispered.

I let out a loud, harsh, quick sigh, "I don't even need him to be completely him," I admitted, "I just… I need him to try. I need to know that he wants," I gulped, "that he wants to know me. Because what if he never does? Mom, what if I have to do all of this myself forever?" I asked, gesturing to my stomach as I let out a sob.

"Meredith," she whispered tenderly, swinging her legs over the edge of her chair, that was right up against mine, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and kissing the top of my head.

"I… want my… hus… husband back," I cried, shoving my head into her neck and wrapping my hands around her arm.

"Then go get him," she whispered into my ear, pulling from me slightly and brushing a tear-streaked strand of hair behind my ear in a way I had done for Zola a million times before – the way mothers do, "You're never going to be ready," she said with a tilt of her head (that's where he got it), "and neither is he. The longer you wait, the more time both of you have to tear yourselves apart and freak out about everything and you don't have time to make things worse. You're gonna have that baby in just a couple months, probably sooner and Meredith you'll want him there or that, any piece of him."

I shuddered, "God, I know but what if I just make things worse. Maybe you should..."

"No," she said sternly, looking me in the eye, "If I go out there, he won't listen to a word I say," she laughed, " but if you go out there it'll be different. He loves you Meredith and somewhere in that thick skull of his he knows that and he knows you and the family you made together. Spending time apart is not going to fix that. Maybe this is what he needs to see how much you truly mean to him."

"You really think it'll work, you think I can get him to come back?" I asked her.

"I think you and the kids are the only thing that can get him back here, Meredith," she smiled softly and pulled me into another hug.

* * *

**I know the ending is a bit abrupt but there's no time hop between this chapter and the next. ****There's just too much to fit into one chapter! **

**Also, I know the flashback was really long, but I hope you enjoyed it! I thought I'd gift you with it since MerDer is a little rocky right now.**

**MerDer2015: Thank you so much for your sweet review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying this story, it makes the time put into it and periods of writer's block easier to trudge through, it's a pleasure to write for you guys :)**

**Harryfan626: You'll see the end one way or another, I promise! XO**

**roganjalex: Thank you, I'm so glad! Hope this one lives up to 15 ;)**

**Guest: Sooner than 6 months is good right? hahaha**

**Melanie: You're so sweet! Thank you, I really appreciate your feedback, I'm looking forward to writing more chapters. They're coming I promise!**

**Beth: I'm so glad! I'll try for sooner next time ;)**

**unnamedconspirator: You're so kind! Thank you so much, your review made my day and warmed my heart :)**

**Patsy: Thank you so much for your consistent reviews! I always look forward to hearing what you have to say and I'm so flattered by your love for these stories XOXO (Puzzle Pieces is next on the list to finish!)**

**To all of those above, thank you SO much for all of your positive feedback and love. It's truly flattering and sometimes gives me the kick in the pants I need to get a chapter done! XOXOXO**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**Would you look at that? it's only been a week! We're flowin' again folks, maybe it's the Olympics showing me great things can be done! Either way, I'm excited to be able to give you guys an update so quickly and even more excited to hear what you have to say about it! I'm always so nervous right before posting an update, it's insane. I just want to make you happy and progress the story well, I promise!**

**Read. Review. Hopefully enjoy. :)**

* * *

That's how I found myself walking the distance to the trailer, almost seven months pregnant, in the dark alone at 9pm. It was a path I knew like the back of my hand and in the daylight it did not seem to take nearly as long as it did then.

The last time I had walked this path was with Derek before the accident and I didn't know if it was because I wasn't as far along and the waddling slowed me down more recently or because when we walked back in the dark, I was pissed off and speed walking. Either way, the walk had taken eons longer this time around and almost ten minutes later I was still looking for the lights framing the trailer.

"What are you doing out here?" I stern voice erupted not too far off.

My body tensed and I nearly jumped out of my skin, my wrist snapping up and shining the flashlight onto the voice's figure with a shriek, "Where the hell did you come from?" I nearly screeched.

"Hey, watch it," the voice responded, grabbing my wrist gently and facing my phone toward the ground.

I relaxed against the hold as Derek's face came into sight, my chest heaving, "Derek," I sighed, placing a hand against my chest, "Thank God," I said, leaning against a tree with a sigh.

"Meredith, it's you" he said, his voice becoming softer, "Are you ok?" he asked, semi-urgently, "What are you doing walking through the woods in the middle of the night?"

"I need to talk to you," I replied, shivering as a gust of cool night air rushed past us and wrapping my arms between my chest and my bump.

He chuckled, "You couldn't wait until daylight?" he asked, shrugging off his dark gray jacket to reveal his Bowdoin sweatshirt.

"You don't have your crutches," I observed, taking in his appearance as he shifted closer.

"Here," Derek spoke, swinging his coat around my shoulders and wrapping it snugly around me, adjusting the collar, "I had an appointment yesterday, Adrian and I agreed I didn't need them anymore."

"Thanks," I whispered softly, reveling in the feeling of being close to him, "Good, that's good."

He hummed in agreement, taking a step back, "Well… uh, I've got a fire going at the trailer. You should come sit," he said, shifting from leg to leg; I could tell by the look on his face and in his eyes that he was sore.

"Sitting would be good," I replied softly, my ankles were throbbing and would probably balloon tonight. He turned his back to me, making his way toward the direction he had come, "What were _you_ doing in the woods?" I questioned, wrapping myself further into his coat and relishing in the scent that lingered as we breached the tree line and the light of the fire came into view.

He glanced over at me, a ghost of a smile on his face as we fell into step, "I heard some rustling followed by cursing and decided to investigate since… you know, animals don't swear," he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, "You try to walk around in the woods without being able to see your feet," I retorted.

A low, rumble escaped his chest, "Sorry, I guess that's my fault," he said, taking me by surprise.

I stopped as we reached the fire and just stared at him for a second, "Kind of," I whispered before moving my gaze toward the fire.

He cleared his throat, "Take my seat," he gestured toward the camping chair near us, "I'll go grab another one."

I took him up on his offer, sitting with a huff as he set up another chair flush against mine. We sat in silence for a few minutes, I ran my hands over my stomach as the baby tossed and turned while Derek simply stared into the fire, "It's been two weeks," I stated.

As my voice sliced through the silence, he rubbed his hands over his face and turned to look at me, an apologetic smirk on his face, "I know, I'm sorry."

I sighed, still not making eye contact, "That's the thing, you don't have to be sorry. I've been expecting you to be sorry," I began, my voice cracking as I finally looked at him, "I've been expecting you to react to things the way you used to and that's not fair. It's selfish. I know you aren't the same," I said, a shuddery breath following as I brushed away a tear and looked back toward my stomach with a wry laugh, "I've been trying too hard to make you the same person again, because I want that, I need that," I said urgently.

"Meredith," he whispered, his voice laced in sympathy and sadness as he reached to place a hand on my arm.

I shook my head, "I tried so hard to get you to be the person you used to be that I pushed the person you are now away and I want to be better, I want to be what you need," I sucked in a deep, shaky breath and let out a groan, "but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be the person you need me to be."

"I don't either," Derek admitted softly, "I've spent a lot of time thinking, all of my time actually and I keep coming back to the point that I started. I'm frustrated, Meredith, I'm so, so frustrated and I don't want to take it out on you, you deserve more than that. I may not remember much, but I know that much," he sighed, shifting uncomfortably in his seat before returning his gaze to mine and rubbing my arm marginally, "It's been two weeks because I knew I couldn't go back into that house and risk taking out my frustrations on you or more my mom and especially on the kids. I know it's not a good excuse, I do, but I…" he swallowed thickly and I swore that I could see the glimmer of a tear in his eye, "I don't want to hurt anyone more than I already have."

My nose scrunched and a couple tears raced down my cheek as I reached my opposite hand to stroke his, "You wouldn't be you if you did," I promised with a small smile.

He gave me a watery smile in return, "You built me a house," he said suddenly.

"What?" I giggled in surprise.

"Made of candles," he clarified with a sniff, "I had a dream last night, only I don't think it was a dream, I said with a shake of my head, "You were standing out in the middle of a field surrounded by candles pacing back and forth with vengeance. I walked up behind you and when you realized I was there you yelled at me," he chuckled, shaking his head.

My heart beat faster and clenched slightly in my chest as my breath halted in my throat, "Because you're an idiot," I told him with a watery laugh.

"Good to know," Derek chuckled in response, sobering moments later and shaking his head, "It's odd," he began, "You know I'll remember something like that, something that makes me so unbelievably happy, but then it's replaced with frustration in seconds because those moments I remember having with you or the kids or friends make me envious of the ones I don't remember," He sighed, running his free hand through his hair, "I want to remember, so badly. You have to believe that, Mer," he pleaded.

"I do, most of the time," I told him hesitantly, not missing how his eyes dulled in the slightest, "Don't look at me like that," I told him forcefully, "You ran off into the woods for two weeks Derek! And don't you dare tell me that I told you to go because I mentioned a few days not a few weeks," I glared at him.

He removes his hand from my arm and rakes both hands through his hair this time and lets out a low groan and rest his elbows on his knees, "I couldn't," he snapped, "I couldn't go back there because I knew that I would take it out on you and I don't want to make this harder on you."

"You know what makes having a husband that almost died and doesn't remember you?" I snapped back, "Not seeing him for two weeks. God, Derek," I groaned, rubbing my temples, "you were hit by a freaking truck, I'd rather you yell at me every day than run off into the woods for 18 days and not know if you were ok," I yelled, my chest heaving as I struggled to get up from the low chair I was in.

"Meredith where are you going?" he called after me as I waddled my way back to the woods, throwing his jacket back at him.

"This was a mistake," I told him, "I shouldn't have come out here," I told him, my voice cracking for the millionth time, "I'm going home."

"Meredith," he called after me, limping close behind, "Meredith it's late just stay here, we can talk about this," he pleaded.

"I'm done talking to you," she told me shortly.

"Well I'm not done talking to you," I replied as I caught up with her, grabbing her elbow in an attempt to deter her. Moments later, the sky opened and rain was pelting us from above.

"You've got to be kidding me," she screamed with her head tilted toward the dark and watery sky.

"Come on," I urged her, "You can wait it out in the trailer while we talk," I told her with a wink. She glared at me but followed close behind.

* * *

Catching Meredith in the woods took me by surprise, and though part of me knew she would come looking for me sooner or later, I never imagined she would Trek through the woods in the middle of the night. Guilt riddled my body from head to toe the moment I saw her. I genuinely hadn't meant to go so long without reaching out, but the days began to blend together after a while. Each day I thought and thought and thought until my head ached and went numb. I would get up early, go fishing, make breakfast, shower, go fishing again and through all of that, my mind would be reeling.

Owen had been staying at the hospital for a few days working on a VIP patient, leaving me with the alone time I had been aching for.

What I had told Meredith barely an hour ago was true. I was afraid to go back to the house. I was afraid of scaring Zola and Bailey. Of snapping at my mother, but most importantly at Meredith.

Meredith, God I could feel it in my gut that I had loved her more than anything in the world before all of this happened. I had no doubt that once I got to know her, I would feel that way again. There were things that I remembered, moments in time, snapshots of our life together that would warm my heart and make my eyes water. But it wasn't enough, it was never enough. I wanted those memories, all of them and more, not being able to have that, to remember why I felt the need to protect and care for this woman I knew almost nothing about.

There was not a day that went by since the accident had happened that I had woken feeling content. I couldn't seem to find a way to get that feeling back and I was sure that wouldn't happen until I had retrieved all of my memories. This only served to irritate and terrify me further because there was no guarantee that I would ever remember everything.

"Were we happy?" I asked Meredith softly, turning my head to look at her as we lay in the small trailer bed together, me on my back and her on her side facing me.

"Before the accident?" She asked sleepily, her eyes opening for just a moment, I nodded, "We were," she smiled, one that lit up her face, "most of the time, it was hard. You were living in D.C. I don't know if anyone ever told you, but that's where you were heading, for a final meeting to complete your resignation. You were on your way to the airport, you took back roads that had no reception, saw a car accident and went to help," she continued, opening her eyes only to roll them at me.

"What?" I laughed, "Some would call me a hero."

"Well I'm your wife and I'm sick of you doing that crap and getting hurt," she argued, scrunching her face and glaring at me, "Anyway," she conceded, "You stabilized everyone... saved the day... whatever. Then, reportedly, you were partially in the other lane when the semi hit you, after the ambulance and everyone else was gone," she told the story, her dark green eyes shining with tears as she sniffed and reached up to rub her nose.

"Oh," I muttered, stunned, "so it was my fault," I couldn't believe it, that I could have done something so stupid, left myself in such a dangerous position knowing what I had waiting for me at home.

"Derek," Meredith said tenderly, reaching out to rub my shoulder hesitantly, "It was an accident. You didn't do it on purpose, that's why they call them accidents."

"But, I," I shook my head, putting my hands on my head and staring at the ceiling once more, "It only took one accident to make all of this go away," I whispered furiously, gesturing between us.

"None of this went away, I'm still here, I'm still trying," she pleaded with me, "and somewhere behind that thick skull of yours, you're still here too," she promised with a smile that pulled at my heart strings.

I groaned, dropping my hands and using one to grab her hand that was resting on my shoulder, squeezing tightly, "I just need, I want to remember things, to know who I am and..."

"Would you knock it off?" She snapped, "God, Derek, you're driving me crazy," she admitted, yawning before propping herself up on one arm and staring down at me.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"Look, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you," she admitted, "and I don't know the first thing about how to deal with this. But, I do know that if you keep living like this you're going to drive yourself crazy."

"I'm already crazy," I chuckled dryly. What else do you call someone who lost their memory and lives in the woods?

"I'm serious, quit it, please!" She said, exasperated as she plopped back down on to the bed, "You keep saying that you're remembering things and that's great but why can't you just focus on that? Why do you have to dwell on what you don't know? I'm right here and the kids are right here. We can make new memories. We can show you why you feel these things. Why can't that be enough for you?" she asked sincerely, irritation lacing her voice.

I groaned, "I want to be the man that you need, the man that I used to be and I can't... not without those memories," my throat constricted as a ball formed within it and my eyes began to sting and well with tears.

The bed shifted as Meredith moved marginally closer, closer than she had allowed herself all night and placed her hand back on my shoulder, rubbing circles with her thumb.

"I miss you... all of you," she croaked, "I don't care that you're not the same. I care that you're alive and I'll take as much of you as you'll give me in any form," she whispered.

Tears were running down both of our faces and in that moment all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything would be ok, "Want a hug?" I asked with a watery smile.

Her eyes went wide and her face crumpled even more as she nodded, "uh-huh."

I rolled onto my side, but a sharp pain ripped across my hips as I put pressure on one side, I groaned loudly and hissed at the pain, "Ok not that way."

"Derek?" Meredith asked urgently, "Are you ok?" she asked, propping herself up once more and moving her hand from my shoulder to my abdomen.

I groaned once more, "I'm fine, I promise. Come here," I said motioning for her to come closer. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, I pulled her close. She folded into my side, her head on my chest and her bump partially resting on my abdomen as she wrapped her arm around me. Squeezing her snuggly against me, I drew in a deep breath, taking in the unfamiliar familiar scent of her hair as my nose nuzzled into her hair.

A few moments later her body shook and my shirt became wet, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head as she moaned and sobbed into my shirt, "I... you... you smell really good," her sobs morphed with a slight laugh.

I chuckled, the lowest, truest laugh I had felt in forever, "You smell good too," I whispered.

There was this feeling that took over, one that I couldn't exactly pinpoint. It was a melting pot of comfort, warmth, and safety. Like something I didn't know I was missing.

As I awoke the next morning I felt more rested than I had in months. Time had escaped me but I knew it couldn't have been more than 6 am when the 'tink tink tink' of rain on the tin roof of the trailer, the bright, blinding sun pouring through the tiny window above me, and the incessant chirping of those damn birds pulling me from the lull I had fallen into hours earlier. A strong essence of lavender surrounded me as if I were cloaked in it and an unusual pressure fell upon the left side of my body. A comforting pressure, a reassuring one… one that screamed to me that I wasn't alone. Though I should have felt a surge of panic, I didn't. I felt content… calm… happy. I knew where I was and who I was with and how I felt. For the first time in months I felt like a person. I felt needed and suddenly that was everything. This was what I needed, I realized. I needed her.

A ring tone other than my own pierced the quiet morning air. As I surveyed the room, what I assumed was Meredith's phone was lit and vibrating with the tone on the bed next to her. Reaching around her carefully, I snatched it and answered it quickly, hoping it wouldn't stir Meredith.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice gruff with sleep.

"Oh thank god, Derek," my mother's voice came through the receiver, "Meredith's with you? She's ok?"

I cleared my throat, returning my voice to normal as I realized neither of us had thought to call my mother last night, "She's fine Mom, still asleep. I'm sorry we worried you, we got side-tracked."

A sigh of relief could be heard through the phone, "I figured," she laughed, "I'm just glad she isn't on the ground in the woods with a broken ankle or anything."

"I am too," I chuckled, "I'm surprised you let her walk all the way out here," I admitted.

"Let her? She's a grown woman Derek and she's pregnant not dying," she admonished, "Although I did encourage that she leave right away. So you two haven't killed each other yet, I'm guessing."

I rolled my eyes, "Everyone's alive and well, Mom," I assured her.

"I'm glad to hear it, you've been gone a while, Derek," I could hear the slightly scolding tone.

"I know, Mom," I told her quietly, "We talked all night, we have a plan now."

"I'm glad to hear it, dear," she told me softly, "I'll call back at a decent hour," she laughed, "Tell Meredith not to worry about the kids, they're in good hands," she promised.

"Thanks, Ma," I smiled softly.

Meredith began stirring as we said our goodbyes and as I placed her phone on the bedside table, she opened her eyes slightly and smiled, "Hi," she croaked through a fog of sleep.

"Hi," I smiled back, reaching to run my hand through her hair as she groaned, stretching and moving a hand to her stomach.

"Sorry I fell asleep on you," she muttered, moving away from me a bit as she rubbed her stomach.

Tilting my head and smiling at her once more, I told her, "Don't be sorry," I whispered, pulling her closer again, "I slept better last night than I have since the accident, you should fall asleep on me more often."

Her face morphed into one of surprise, "Oh, ok," she said hesitantly.

"How's the baby?" I asked.

Meredith groaned slightly, "Moving around like crazy right now," she admitted, "Here," she continued, grabbing my hand and placing it where hers had been just moments ago.

"Holy cow," I responded, rubbing the spot she had placed my hand gently as the baby girl that lay under it twisted and turned. My heart clenched at the thought that I would never remember how we got here, how her pregnancy had progressed to this point and how involved I had been. This time, however, before the frustration could take hold of my emotions and my mood, I hugged her tighter, running my hand from her stomach to her side rhythmically, "Was I around for any of it?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she asked, staring up at me through her eyelashes.

"The doctor's appointments, morning sickness, stuff like that?"

She smiled, "As much as you could be, yeah."

"Remind me," I nearly pleaded causing a giggle to erupt from her chest.

* * *

_"__Alright Dr. Grey," the OB began, "You know the drill, everything off but the bra then slip into this fancy gown for us. I have another patient to check on real quick, I should be back in 5 to 10 minutes," she finished with a smile and made her way out the door. _

_Just a couple minutes later, I was sitting on the exam table in a paper gown. I was nervous, Derek was supposed to be here today, but he had called me about an hour ago to tell me that there was an issue with the luggage carts and that he would do his best to be there. He promised, but he'd made a lot of promises recently that he hadn't fulfilled so I was trying and failing not to get my hopes up. I really wanted him there. There wasn't much he could be there for recently, but he vowed to make it to every appointment. It wasn't a major one, just a 16 week appointment to check my weight, blood pressure, ect. Only this was also the month the doctor had decided to do a pelvic exam. Was I wrong to hope for some support from my husband while another woman rooted around my vajayjay?_

_My internal ramble was cut off by the sound of the door opening, I turned slightly expecting to see the doctor stroll back in, but when I saw who it was, a smile erupted on my face, "You made it," I sighed._

_"__I promised I would," Derek said with a tilt of his head and a small smile as he came to stand behind me and rubbed my shoulders. _

_I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his hands, a feeling I had only been allowed once in a while recently, "Yeah, well," I said with a sigh, cupping the tiny bump the baby had transformed my stomached into with both hands. _

_It was his turn to sigh now as he kneaded my shoulders, "I know I've broken some promises but I'm trying, Mer," he told me honestly as he leaned down to kiss the side of my head. _

_"__I know, I'm sorry. That wasn't fair," I admitted._

_He threw his knee up onto the bed beside my thigh, the sanitary paper crinkling under him, and wrapped his arms around me snuggly, pulling me close and pressing his nose into my hair, "I love you," he smiled into my head, his breath tickling my ear._

_"__I love you too," I whispered back, leaning into him and grabbing one of hands to bring it down to where the baby lay._

_"__You know what says I love you like nothing else?" he asked with a laugh and I knew where this was going immediately._

_"__What?" I giggled._

_"__Sex," he whispered into my ear with a low growl, swaying me back and forth slightly as we laughed together._

_"__So Bailey told me today that he wants to name the baby Rocket," I changed the subject with an amused scoff, "after the rocket on Little Einstein's."_

_"__Hmmm," Derek hummed as he withdrew his leg from the table but still held me close, "Rocket Shepherd has a nice ring to it," he said jokingly with a goofy smile on his face as he leaned in to kiss my lips. _

_"__Sorry about the delay Dr. Grey," the doctor announced as she made her way in prior to knocking, "Dr. Shepherd, glad to see you could make it," she said with a smile._

* * *

_Sometimes when you're caught in the dark by yourself, it's extremely difficult to find your way out by yourself. You think that if you can just think of the perfect game plan everything will be easier, but sometimes it isn't that easy. Sometimes it takes someone who loves and cares for you to slap you upside the head and point out the most obvious answer. Sometimes you have to open yourself up and trust the path. Sometimes you just need your person._

**Thanks again to those of you who have reviewed! I was thrilled by the response to chapter 16 and I'm so excited that you're enjoying this story yet after so long!**

**Guest: Thanks for the review! It as Great hearing from you and hearing what you're waiting for!**

**Patsy: Once again your review made my day when I saw it! Thank you so much for the feedback, I hope this chapter lived up to what you hoped for! As for the couple's weekend, I have been thinking up a 'baby moon' update for a few weeks, so we'll see what happens ;)**

**Greysfannn: Thank you so much, you're so kind! Meredith is about 27 weeks along :)**

**roganjalex: Thank you! I really, really appreciate your feedback and I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!**

**unnamedconspirator: I'm so glad to hear that you loved chapter 16, I hope 17 lives up to it! Great questions, I've been exploring them myself!**

**mandyg67: I'm so glad you enjoyed the flashback! I was really nervous about the length and whether it had too many tiny details so it's great to hear you liked! I'm so excited that you're enjoying this story :)**

**Guest: I'm glad you enjoyed! Thanks for the feedback :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy and if I did, taking this long of a hiatus would be thoroughly frowned upon. **

**Author's Note:  
Over on Puzzle Pieces, I may have hinted toward something else brewing up. This was one of those somethings. Surprise?! Are you as excited/scared/thrilled/nervous this is gonna suck because I've taken such a long break from this story as I am? This was a mammoth story to choose to tackle my first time out and though I've posted shorter ones since and am now working away on Puzzle Pieces, I'm still very proud of this story and the person I was when I started it. Over Spring Break, I tasked myself with reading TINTE all the way through again and not only was I frustrated to find all of the mistakes in spelling and otherwise, that had been overlooked embarrassingly, I also felt a connection with the Meredith and Derek I had created. It was a connection that forced their story into my brain and literally wrote itself. I deserve the accomplishment of finishing this story. This Meredith and Derek deserve to run their course. You deserve to see this story end simply for dealing with all of my crap. **

**Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy.**

* * *

_Communication is key, especially for surgeons. Ordinary surgeons bury themselves bury their heads in the books searching for answers, hoping to find it before anyone else, hoping to make a big break in such a competitive field. However, extraordinary surgeons converse with their peers, working with a group of well-educated individuals and possibly burying their heads in a couple books to find the best, most-efficient, not generally most flashy, form of treatment. Without the conversation, they're stuck in their own paradigm and breaching the edges of that is hard to do on their own. With communication, their paradigms are constantly bombarded from all angles, requiring multiple breaches. At least that's what my mother always told me. As I made my way to where I am now, I began realizing that she was right all along, but that communication is important in all aspects of life, not just surgery._

A little over five weeks ago, Derek and I had laid on the trailer bed talking for hours. During those hours we talked about simple, seemingly unimportant events and facts about our family but we also talked about the hard stuff. Stuff that I had never imagined having to talk to him about. It was still hard. Every day felt like a new challenge flooded with emotions that came out of nowhere, emotions that I didn't know if I even deserved to feel. After talking with Derek that night and over the past few weeks we'd finally spent together, I was beginning to think he was struggling with some of the same issues.

"Relax," Derek said softly, rolling a stool up to sit beside the exam table I was laying on.

"I'm relaxed," I defended, with one hand resting on my chest as I turned to look at him.

He raised his eyebrows at me, "No, you're not," he said simply, still looking at me as he reached down to rub his bad leg, "I may not know a lot about you, but I've learned that much," he sighed.

"Derek, I'm fine," I groaned, "You're the one who's not fine," I continued, gesturing to his leg.

"That's old news," he said with a smirk.

"Don't look at me like that," I said sternly, "I know what you're doing."

"Oh yeah?" he chuckled, "and what is that?"

"You're trying to distract me with the sparkly eye thing."

"The sparkly eye thing?" he asked, quirking his head as his brows became knit with confusion.

"Yes, the sparkly eye thing," I rolled my eyes, "You do it all the time. You know it makes me forget what I'm worrying about and melt into a sappy puddle of eye sparkle and I'm pregnant so it's easier and that's not fair," I continued, giving him a pointed look, "and don't tell me you don't remember because I know you don't remember, it's just a Derek thing. And even…"

"You're rambling," he smirked again, a contented smile on his face, "So I guess you're right and it worked," he said with a click of his tongue, reaching over and nudging my shoulder with his fist.

I groaned and scowled at him, "You little,"

"Alright, sorry about the wait," the doctor announced after knocking and making her way in prior to sending my urine sample to the lab, "Are you ready to take a look?" she asked, taking her seat on the stool near the monitors.

"We are," Derek said with a chuckle, rubbing his hand up and down my arm before taking hold of my hand.

She smiled, looking back and forth between us before grabbing the gel and wand, "Ok, Dr. Grey. This will be a little cold," she informed me, squirting the gel onto my now-exposed stomach and moving the wand around. Less than a minute later, an outline of the baby appeared on the screen and a gentle thud echoed through the small room.

"How is she? Is she ok?" I asked, squeezing Derek's hand a little tighter as the anxiousness he had weeded out of my mind quickly returning.

The doctor nodded and smiled softly, "I don't see any abnormalities. Everything looks good," she continued and Derek squeezed my hand, "The slow down in movement is most-likely due to a lack of space. She's measuring a bit over what would be expected for gestation. It's very common for babies to become a little less active as the pregnancy reaches the last month. She's head down, in a good position. Everything looks just as it should, I don't foresee any complications at the moment."

"Good," Derek responded softly, "That's good," he said again, tearing his eyes away from the screen and looking at me pointedly.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes and release a scoff as the doctor wrapped up the appointment and sent us on our way.

When the doctor left, Derek stood and I grasped his hand a bit tighter as he placed his other hand between my shoulder blades, helping me sit up.

He walked over to the hooks on the wall, grabbing our coats and returning to set them beside me as I sat with my legs now off to the side.

"Meredith, wait," he said, placing his hand on my thigh as I shifted to get up.

"What?" I asked, looking him up and down, "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine… good, I'm good," he smiled, correcting himself, "I want you to tell me what's bothering you."

"It's nothing, really," I said shaking my head.

"If you're worried about it, it's not nothing."

I ran a hand through my hair and looked him in the eye, "We've been through so much crap, most of which you don't even remember," I began, "I don't want losing this baby to be another thing that happens to us," I told him, my voice cracking as my throat became dry and tears gathered behind my eyes.

"Meredith," Derek said tenderly, tilting his head and rubbing my thigh, "Nothing is going to happen to her," he whispered.

"You don't know that," I groaned forcibly, wiping away a runaway tear.

He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment then shifting to grab the ultrasound picture the doctor had printed for us, "Look at this," he said, putting it in front of me with a smile, "This is a healthy baby girl. She's more than healthy actually," he said with a chuckle, "She has a perfect heart beat. She moves around like crazy to let you know she's in there and she's ok, this past week she slowed down a little bit only because it's getting crowded in there," he continued with a heart melting smile as he moved his hand off my thigh and onto my stomach, "I can't tell you exactly how everything will go and I can't promise you there won't be scary moments, but I can tell you that I will be here. I will be here for all of it.

I found myself smiling as he finished his mini rant and placed one hand over the top of his, using the other to wipe away tears. He was there. He was alive. He wasn't the same but with every passing day, he remembered more and more.

"Ok," I smiled softly.

"I'm gonna hug you now," he said with a goofy grin.

"Ok," I giggled as he slouched a bit, wrapped his arms around me and growled playfully into my neck, kissing it quickly.

"Now," he said, pulling away from me marginally and looking me in the eye, "Want to tell me what else is wrong?"

"What… what do you mean?" I asked, laughing some what awkwardly.

He gave me a pointed look, "You know what I mean."

"We don't have time for this," I said, shaking my head and "Your appointment is in ten minutes."

"Don't worry about that," Derek said slightly forcibly, "We've spent so much time talking these last few weeks and I don't want that to stop, Meredith," he continued almost pleadingly.

"Ok seriously, we have to go," I said, wanting to avoid talking about exactly what I was thinking at the moment. Grabbing the hand that rested on my thigh, I lifted it to shift off of the table, forcing him to step back.

"We do, we always do," he groaned, raking his hand through his hair, "there's always something, Mer. Bailey's crying. Zola needs her hair done. The kids need baths. We have appointments. I'm sore. You're sore. I spend the day in bed with a migraine…"

"Ok!" I said, holding my hands in the air, "I get it, I get it," I said with a sighed, placing my hands on his hips, "I really do, Derek."

"Then just talk to me, Mer," he pleaded, massaging his thumbs into my shoulders.

"I have loved all of the conversations we've had lately," I told him with a smile, stroking his sides, "I really have and I love that you're remembering things and you want to know things, but Derek I don't think you'll want to hear what I have to say about this particular topic. It's not a conversation I want to have in the middle of the hospital right before an appointment that I know will be painful for you," I told him truthfully.

"Meredith," he interjected again.

"I promise you," I said loudly, interrupting him, "I promise that as much as I am dreading talking about this thing with you, I will," I said, my stomach sandwiched between us snuggly as I reached up and kissed his cheek.

"Fine," he said shortly, smiling a bit and shaking his head following my peck to his cheek, "God, you're so," he trailed off, with a frustrated, but amused tone.

I couldn't help but snort a laugh in reply, that small unfinished phrase was one Derek had uttered to me many times in many tones and in many different situations.

* * *

After Meredith and I finally left the exam room, we went separate ways. Today was just physical therapy and it would take about twenty-five to thirty minutes so as I went off already forming my apology to Callie for being late, Meredith wandered toward the OR board, looking for a surgery to watch. It had been a long time since she'd been in an OR. About a month ago, she started working a couple short shifts a week just to get out of the house, but being short they didn't leave much time for surgery and she was hungry for it.

"Better late than never, Shep," Callie chided as I walked through the door having changed into shorts and a t-shirt.

I smiled sheepishly, "Sorry. Meredith's appointment went long," I told her. It was less of a lie and more of a twist on events.

"Is everything ok with the baby?" She asked, a look of concern gracing her face.

"Yeah, yeah there's nothing to worry about," I told her honestly, "Meredith's just…" I trailed off.

"A mom?" She questioned knowingly.

"Exactly," I chuckled.

"Understandable," she responded, "Alright less talk more work. We have an endurance test to get through today."

"Let's get it done," I said with a nod, slapping my hands together and rubbing them as Callie lead me to the treadmill, "Ooh, stepping it up from the grandpa bike I see."

"We'll try. But don't push it ok? We're here to challenge you, not kill you."

"Ok," I said with a laugh, excited to be upping the intensity as I made my way onto the machine and started off at a walk.

"How's the pain been?"

"Moderate on bad days."

"Any day to day pain?"

"I wouldn't say day to day," I began as I bumped up the speed a little, "there's soreness every day but not always pain."

"Ok, good. Are you comfortable with going up to a jog?"

"Bring it on," I told her, smirking.

"Easy tiger," she said with a laugh as I increased the speed a bit more.

It felt good, tight at first, but good once I got going. It felt so good in fact that I upped the speed again and then again and soon enough I was running.

"Derek, you should slow it down," Callie said sternly, looking up from her notes.

But I didn't; it felt good. Then not a moment later my entire leg seized up, the muscles contracting simultaneously and forcibly, I yelled out in pain and failed to keep up the pace, falling smack onto the treadmill only to be shot off by the speed.

"Dammit, Derek," I heard Callie whisper harshly as she kneeled down, "someone page Grey," she called loudly.

"N… no, n… not Mer," I gritted out. I was still on the ground, my leg still clenched and my head spinning as I groaned, the pain of the vice-like muscle contractions still full force.

"What did I say about not wanting to kill you?" Callie snapped.

"What the hell happened?" I heard Meredith's voice call out before feeling the pressure and warmth of her hand on my chest as she knelt beside me.

"Shit," I groaned half in pain, reaching my arm to wrap around Meredith's waist as Callie filled her in. My eyes were tired, my head still pounding and my leg still tight as I remained on the floor. I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and not have to deal with an angry Meredith.

"Oh shut up, I would have found out sooner or later," Meredith snapped, as she massaged my leg with one hand and running a hand over my forehead comfortingly with the other. Oh, the irony.

I groaned at her response and a minute later my leg relaxed thanks to her massaging skills. It was still throbbing as I looked at Meredith a bit sheepishly with groggy eyes. She was glaring at me with a look on her face that told me she was a bit more than upset.

"I'm ok, I promise," I told her, my voice a little scratchy, as I tightened my grip around her waist a bit, feeling the baby jab her side.

"Ow," she groaned as I rubbed that spot on her stomach, "Don't take it out on me, he's the one with the death wish," Meredith said, giving me a look.

"Meredith, seriously, I'll be fine," I groaned.

"You just got yourself thrown off of a treadmill. I don't think you're the right person to be saying they're fine."

My head continued to pound and as I moved to a sitting position, the room started to spin slowly, but enough to make me nauseous. I closed my eyes and groaned, leaning my head against Meredith's shoulder and bringing my arm to rest on her stomach. She remained on the floor next to me and started rubbing my back with one hand.

"You're such an idiot," she said with a small, half-hearted, worry-laced laugh, "If I weren't so worried about you this would be hilarious," she said, shaking her head.

"I'm gonna throw up," I groaned again as the dizziness failed to subside and a knot formed in my throat. Sure enough, just as Callie shoved a wastebasket under my chin, I emptied the contents of my stomach into it, barely missing Meredith's shoulder as I did.

"Let's get him up on a gurney, he'll need a CT," Callie stated.

"I don't need a gurney or a CT," I said slowly, wiping my mouth and grimacing, still leaning into Meredith. The dizziness subsided, the pain in my head lessened to a dull ache, and my leg was back to its usual tenderness thanks to Meredith's massages.

"You should at least get a CT," Meredith said with worry lacing her voice as she ran her fingers through my hair and traced the scar from my first surgery.

"Meredith, I'm fine," I groaned, pulling back and looking her in the eye, "Zola's recital is in an hour and if I get a CT just to prove that I'm an idiot, we'll miss it."

"Derek," she said, exasperatedly.

"You told me last night that I had missed a few recitals while I was in DC. Meredith, you saw how excited she was when we left the house this morning," I sighed, grabbing her hand from my leg and squeezing it, "I don't want to let her down again already."

For a moment she just sat there and looked at me, her eyes shining, "Fine," she said sternly, "You're obviously lucid and you seem better now so we'll go, but Callie I want you to have neuro ready to go. If that changes, he's getting the freaking CT," she said, turning her attention to Callie, "Now can someone help me stand up? I'm obviously not gonna be able to do it alone," she finished dryly, gesturing to her stomach.

"Meredith," I said tenderly, rubbing my hand across her stomach, in a way that had become a habit, "Thank you."

"I'm doing it for your daughter," she said briskly a Callie helped her off the floor.

Rolling my eyes, I moved slowly and gingerly, getting up off of the floor with the help of an aid. I could tell he was holding back his laughter the entire time, "Any chance you go that on your phone?" I asked the teenager with a wink. He shook his head, losing it after that.

"Derek," Meredith chided, rolling her eyes as she grabbed her coat and bag.

I shrugged sending her an innocent look of apology.

"You'll be sore tomorrow so take it easy," Callie said, walking up to me with her hands in her pockets, "and if anything changes, I mean anything, you will be back in here before you know it," she promised and then with a smirk,"Good luck with Meredith, you'll need it," she finished, patting my shoulder.

"Ahhh," I hissed, in actual pain and at the thought of my angry wife before I chuckled dryly, running a hand across my neck, "That's an understatement," I muttered, before grabbing my things and following Meredith out the door.

"Ok," she began with a sigh as we made it to the hall, "You go shower. I have to talk to Amy. We'll meet in the lobby in thirty minutes.

"Meredith, I…" I began, sending her a pleading look as I placed my hand on her side.

"Not now Derek, just, later ok?"

"Ok," I conceded, kissing her cheek before she turned around and walked the other way.

* * *

When I got the 911 page to Derek's physical therapy room, my heart about stopped in its tracks. Since the accident had happened, I had been waiting for something like this. I knew that I would get comfortable. That I would get used to things the way they were and feel content in the progress Derek was making and then something like this would happen. Seeing Derek laying on the floor writhing in pain had been something I'd had nightmares about. Something I'd wished wouldn't come true.

Despite my concerns, I knew that if pre-car accident Derek had done something like that at the gym, I would have laughed my ass off and given him so much more crap than he would have been able to handle.

"Amy," I called out as I spotted the sister nearly rounding a corner, walking quickly over toward her, my bag over my shoulder.

"Meredith," she said, turning around, "How did the appointments go?"

"Fine," I said, waving a hand, "The baby's a healthy giant and your brother's an idiot."

"What's new," Amy snorted a half-knowing laugh.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes In agreement, "Are you doing ok? You haven't been at the house in a few days," I said, a bit concerned as I rubbed my stomach where the baby was kicking.

"Oh!" she said, her eyes a bit wide as she smiled, "Yeah I'm great, sorry I forgot to give you a heads up. The case I'm on right now is really demanding, but it's a really amazing one," she said excitedly.

I shook my head with a smile playing my lips, "Don't worry about it, Mom and I were just a little concerned, that's all," I shrugged, "and there's this game you apparently taught Zola that we can't figure out and she always wants to play. She has a meltdown every time," I said with a laugh.

"Oh no," Amy laughed, "I should be home tonight, I can show you guys tomorrow. I miss the munchkins anyway"

"That'd be great," I smiled, "So, uhh, do you want to walk me through your case?" I asked hesitantly, "Derek used to with every good case he got and, well it's been a while and I'm.."

"Itching for a fix?" she asked, raising her eyebrows with a smirk.

"Pretty much," I said, a bit amused.

"Of course," Amy winked, opening the file as we moved toward the nurse's station.

For about fifteen minutes, she took me step by step through the ins and outs of her case. It was one of those delicate cases that were rare, required a lot of work, a lot of conversation with the family, and a complicated surgery. These were the cases Derek always drooled over. If only he knew. He'd be jealous of her without a doubt.

"Hey stranger," a voice called out.

I glanced away from Amy for a moment to see a bouncy, curly-haired surgeon walking toward us, "Hey Maggie," I smiled.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in months," she said as she stopped next to us.

"It's been two days," I snorted a laugh.

Maggie shrugged, "Two days, two months, same thing. I heard about Derek's spill up in PT, Callie was dying of laughter when she told me how he flew off that treadmill."

"Wait, what?" Amy asked, an amused but concerned look on her face.

Shaking my head, I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head, "Derek decided to run on the treadmill this morning during his endurance test and his leg cramped up. I didn't see it happen, but he was still on the floor when I got there. He hit the ground pretty hard," I finished, rolling my eyes, "It would have been funnier four months ago," I admitted.

"One of the aids in the room compared him to an elegant gazelle attacked by a lion," Maggie added with a laugh.

"Is he ok?" Amy asked, clearly concerned.

"I think so," I sighed, "but he's stubborn and he doesn't want to miss Zola's recital."

"I'm fine," Derek interjected as he limped toward us.

"I thought we were meeting in the lobby."

"We were," he said, coming up behind me and leaning against the counter, "I wanted to find that one," he said pointing to Amy, "and have her give me a neuro exam real quick to calm your nerves."

I turned so my back was against the counter lacing my hands under my stomach, "Good, that's a good idea. Thank you," I said softly.

"But I'm not getting a CT. I hate being in those things and we don't have time," he argued, rubbing a hand across my shoulder blades and raising his eyebrows at Amy.

"I've got a few minutes, you're in luck," she said as a pager went off.

"That's mine," Maggie announced, rubbing my stomach for good luck, something she had started a couple months ago, "Gotta go, hug the munchkins for me," she called over her shoulder.

"Bye Maggie," Derek and I chorused before looking at each other and smirking.

"Ok that was just creepy," Amy said, moving around the counter to put her file back, "So are you guys like officially Meredith and Derek again?" she asked, gesturing between the two of us.

"I mean, well," Derek began, a confused look on his face.

"Ish," I said with a shrug looking toward Derek, "I don't know, we're just kind of…" I trailed off.

"Living," Derek finished with a shrug.

"Ok," Amy responded still looking between the two of us, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she bit her cheek, "Well whatever you're doing, I think it's working."

"Well if you're happy with it, that's all that matters," Derek said, rolling his eyes.

"Don't be an ass, Derek," I muttered with an amused smirk, smacking his chest lightly and earning a hard look from him.

* * *

Just as I had suspected, the neurological exam I had asked Amy for calmed Meredith's nerves and admittedly my own as she declared that there was no additional injury. The whole ordeal was quite embarrassing, to be honest, and Meredith had been pretty freaked out by it so we hadn't talked about it in detail since I nearly threw up all over her shoulder.

Before we knew it, we were sitting in our seats, the third row from the front, right in the middle to watch our little girl prance around the stage. Mom had met us at the studio with the kids and made sure to get the best seats in the house. I sat between Mom and Meredith, leaning back as they talked around me, with Bailey on my lap waiting for the recital to begin.

Bailey was tired and a little cranky but with a bag full of snacks and cars we were half-confident he would make it through the short program.

"Dada," Bailey grunted, pointing to the floor as he squirmed.

"Not right now, buddy," I whispered, "We're gonna watch Zo-Zo dance, isn't that cool?" I said with a smile.

"No," he whined.

"Yes," I growled with a smile, tickling his stomach. Lifting him up, I spun him around to face me and kissed his chubby cheek, "Are you sleepy?"

"Nuh-uh," he shook his head just as his little mouth opened wide in a yawn.

I couldn't help but chuckle as his tiny legs gave out and he placed his head in the crook of my neck, leaning against me. With a red race-car in one hand he roamed it across my chest, over my shoulder, down my arm, and up my stomach before starting all over again and making 'vroom' noises.

"So Addison called me today," Mom said, catching my attention.

Meredith look taken aback, "Really? I didn't know you talked to her," she said, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.

Mom shook her head, "I don't. I haven't talked to her in… years," she said, seemingly bewildered.

"What'd she call about?" I asked curiously, rubbing Bailey's leg as the vrooming stopped and the driving slowed down.

"You," she said softly, looking between me and Meredith seemingly to gauge our reactions, "She wanted to see how you were doing, said she hadn't talked to you since right after the accident and that she didn't want to intrude again."

Meredith hummed, suddenly interested in the paper program that was handed to us when we walked in as she caressed her stomach with one hand.

"Well, that was… nice of her," I said awkwardly, looking toward Meredith in confusion.

Mom nodded and smiled softly, noting the change in Meredith as well, "She wanted me to talk to you, both of you, about the possibility of meeting up sometime."

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom before they start," Meredith said abruptly, getting up and making her way up the aisle.

"Meredith," I said, but she ignored me and continued waddling away.

"Just give her some space, Derek," Mom said, placing her hand on my arm, "I shouldn't have brought it up here," she sighed in apology.

"She has to know," I told her in a whisper, snuggling Bailey closer as his tiny body went limp in his sleep, "She has to know that after my last conversation with Addison…" I drifted off, not knowing how to complete my thought, "I don't remember much about how things ended between us but I do remember walking in on them and I remember how I felt when I signed the papers. As for the rest of it, well, Addison filled in some gaps."

"I know what she thinks about all of this," Mom said tenderly, "and it's understandable, considering the circumstances. This is different for her than it is for you Derek," she continued, glancing behind us to see Meredith walk through the door in the back, "That woman knows you inside and out and she loves you just the same. She's used to you feeling the same way," she finished just as Meredith reached our row.

As she settled back into her seat, the curtains opened and music began to play. I placed a hand on her thigh firmly and squeezed it gently, smiling softly at her and winking. She smiled in response, grasping my hand with her newly shaky one and smoothing Bailey's hair across his forehead before turning her attention to the stage. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her cheeks were slightly flushed like they got when she had been upset.

"Do you see her?" she whispered, leaning a bit closer, our shoulders touching.

"Not yet," I said, looking over at her, the way her hair framed her face and her eyes lit up a bit as she searched for our daughter.

"Second row from the front, to the right," Mom offered excitedly, taking out her phone to snap pictures and record Zola's dancing.

"Look at her," Meredith said, a smile of awe playing on her lips as she watched Zola.

"She's very cute, just like her mom," I whispered into her ear, causing her to look over at me and roll her eyes before I kissed her cheek. Wrapping an arm her shoulders and holding her and Bailey close, we watched our little girl twirl around, a bit uncoordinatedly, with her friends.

She was so happy up there, dressed in all pink and beaming with pride. When she caught sight of all of us in the audience, her smile got even brighter and she almost missed a move but got right back into it. This was good; being here with my family. Having a family at all. This was really good.

* * *

A couple hours later, I was driving through the city after having dinner to celebrate Zola's recital. Mom had taken the kids leaving me with Derek. Silence fell over the car soon after we had left the restaurant and as I thought back to the events of the day, I felt myself becoming increasingly frustrated with him.

"I…. I...you," I stammered, looking over at Derek and then back to the road quickly with a groan.

"What?" he questioned in surprise, turning his head to look over at me.

"I want you to know that I'm mad at you," I spit out quickly and sharply, clenching the steering wheel tightly.

"Ok," he said slowly, seemingly a bit apprehensive.

Sighing heavily, not really knowing where to start, I glanced over at him again, "I just, you… ugh. I'm just sick of it. I'm so sick of it."

"Meredith," Derek groaned, rubbing a hand over his face, "I have a headache, I don't think I can decipher the rambling right now," he continued, I could tell he was trying to keep a certain softness in his voice.

"You wouldn't have a freaking headache if you hadn't forced yourself to do too much, too soon, again," I spat angrily.

He grumbled, "Can we talk about this later?"

"No, Derek, it is later," I groaned, stopping at a red light and looking him in the eye, "I'm sick of you taking everything too fast. You are the most stubborn person I know and it's infuriating. You want everything to happen right now," I told him, looking back toward the road as the light turned green, "You want all of your memories back in the blink of an eye and when you get frustrated about it, you act like an asshole and run off into the woods for weeks. And today? You could have re-broken your leg or gotten a brain bleed or died! You can't skip steps, Derek!"

"I know that I can't," he snapped, "What do you think I've been doing all of these months? Taking steps, stupid little steps that I shouldn't have to take," he continued angrily, "I'm try…"

"I think you should go to therapy," I spoke over him, glancing at him quickly in an attempt to see his reaction, "That's the thing that I didn't want to talk to you about at my appointment today. I think you should go to therapy," I said a little more softly.

"I don't need a shrink, Meredith," he huffed in surprise, "I talked to one when I was in the hospital and for a week after that. I'm fine."

"No," I said sternly, "One week is not enough. You're not fine and I'm not fine either," I admitted softly as we pulled up to the house.

Putting the car in park, I held my hands at the base of my stomach, resting my head back against the seat as I released a long sigh.

"Meredith," he spoke tenderly this time, placing a hand on my knee and tilting his head to look at me.

"I'm scared," I whispered, tears building behind my eyes as I looked over at him, "I'm scared all the time. Every time I'm not with you I'm afraid that you're lying on the ground somewhere dying and I," I paused, swallowing thickly and looking away from him for a moment, "That's not me, that's not who I am," I told him truthfully, "I don't feel like myself anymore. Work used to be such a huge part of my life but now. Now, even when I am there, which is practically never, I'm thinking about what's happening at home. And in a couple weeks we'll have a new baby and I'm scared that I'll never feel like myself again," I admitted hesitantly, tear running down my face as I wiped them away quickly.

Derek's mouth curved into a sad smile as he rubbed my leg, "I'm sorry," he whispered back, "I'm so sorry."

Shaking my head lightly, I sniffed and wiped my nose with my sleeve, "You don't have to be sorry. It's just that," I began, looking up at the roof of the car before looking back at him, "If I'm feeling so lost, I can't imagine how you're feeling and I don't want… I just… I think we should do it together," I stated finally, placing my hand on top of his.

"Ok," he replied softly with another smile.

"OK?" I released a deep breath.

"Ok," he nodded, "I'll do it."

"You will?" I asked tentatively.

Derek nodded, "Meredith I didn't know that you felt so lost," he began quietly, "That's the kind of stuff that I want to know… that I need to know," he sighed before smiling tenderly and reaching his hand over to my stomach, rubbing warm circles into it, "Like you said. We're having a baby in a few weeks," he winked, "Life just keeps getting crazier and I need to know that you're ok. I need you to talk to me about that kind of stuff if I'm gonna go talk to a stranger about my stuff with you, deal?"

"Deal," I said with a smile of my own, placing a hand on top of his for a moment before grasping it tightly.

Derek leaned over the center console, brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me, soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit, "We should head inside and relieve Mom of her grandma duties," he said, kissing me once more before getting out of the car slowly. He was sore and he was trying to hide it, but I could tell. One thing hadn't changed, I could still read him like a book. I just missed the days when he could say the same about me, but we were getting there and he was right. I needed to talk to him.

* * *

"Mommy can we still read when sister comes?" Zola asked, stroking my large stomach as we sat cuddled on her tiny bed, fresh out of the bathtub with a bedtime story.

"Of course we can, Lovebug," I told her soothingly, kissing the top of her head with an arm snug around her, "It might be a little different. We might have to let her read with us sometimes," I told her hesitantly.

Zola pouted a little bit, "But it's Mama and Zola time," she whispered, looking at me with her big brown, sad eyes.

I sighed softly, "I know, Zo, but she'll be really tiny when she comes home and she'll need a lot of attention."

"I need 'ttention," Zola said.

"I know you do," I smiled, kissing her head again, "and I promise you that Mommy and Daddy will try super hard to make sure you get as much as you need, but there are some things that the baby needs us to do for her that you can do all by yourself."

She nodded, "Cause I'm a big girl."

"You are," I said, closing the book, and looking at her, "Do you remember when Daddy and I brought Bailey home?" I asked her.

Zola scrunched up her face and held her thumb and index finger apart slightly, "A 'lil bit, he was super tiny."

"He was tiny," I said, thinking back to that day. I was so nervous that Zola would be jealous and she was a bit, but she had Sophia there with her, "He cried a lot too because he didn't know how to talk."

"Bailey still cries all 'da time, Mama," Zola said, rolling her eyes.

I couldn't help but laugh, "Well he's still a little guy," I told her, "He's not as big as you are," I whispered, poking her nose.

"I'm the biggest!" she exclaimed, a wide smile appearing on her face.

"Yup," I said, playing with her hair as she let out a big yawn, "and since you're the biggest, you can be our special helper," I told her, her eyes widening in excitement, "Bailey's a bit too little, but you can help. You can hold the baby when she's sad and you can change her diapers," I continued, watching as she scrunched her nose, "Don't worry, we'll save the stinky ones for Daddy," I told her with a wink, "and after a while you can help feed her, too," I promised.

Zola smiled at me sleepily before stooping down and laying her head on my stomach, giving it a kiss, "I'm excited for the baby to come," she said, looking up at me.

"Me too," I told her with a smile of my own, stroking her back, "You're gonna do such a good job with her," I whispered as her eyes began to close and her breathing became heavier.

"That was fast," Derek whispered from the doorway, cradling Bailey close as his eyes drifted open and closed slowly, "Say goodnight to the girls, Monkey," he said to Bailey, moving toward the bed, his limp much heavier now.

"Goodnight, Monkey, I love you," I whispered as the little boy yawned widely and rubbed his eyes then kissed me as Derek brought him down to my level, "Nigh, Mama," he cooed then patted Zola's back carefully and doing the same with my belly before Derek swooped him up and snuggled him to his chest.

"I'm sure I'll be out in a couple minutes," Derek said quietly before he made his way out of Zola's room.

Tossing the book off of the bed, I glanced down at Zola sprawled over my stomach and contemplated how to move her without waking her and how the hell I was supposed to get out of this bed. Before long, I had maneuvered Zola off of me and onto the bed, managing to free myself and make my way out of her room, switching on her ladybug night light before I left and shutting the door tightly behind myself.

I'd been so enticed with my book that I barely noticed when Derek walked in and started getting ready, but as he made his way toward the bathroom, I couldn't help but smile. It was nice to finally have him back in bed with me.

_It had only been two days since Derek and I had returned from the trailer together. He hadn't come out of the guest room he was still sleeping in that morning and by ten I was officially worried. Having gone through the steps of a migraine day a dozen times already, I grabbed some medicine and a glass of water before making my way to the room. _

_I only knocked once before nudging the door open. Derek was still nestled under the covers, a lump still buried in the bed and I decided against saying anything knowing it would only make his head throb harder. Walking across the hardwood floors, I was sure to dodge any squeaky boards I could remember before placing the water and medicine on his nightstand. I hesitated for a moment before sitting on the edge of his bed. He groaned as my weight made the mattress shift. Reaching my hand up, I ran my fingers through his hair, letting them rest there for a moment. He always used to like it when I did that if he had a headache, but I wasn't sure if it would just make things worse with a migraine. _

"_Hmmm," he moaned and I released my hand from his hair. I couldn't tell if it was one of pain or relief, it seemed to be a combination of the two. Rolling his head to face me with a grimace, he opened his eyes marginally before squeezing them shut again with a wince, "Hi," he muttered, so quietly that if it weren't for his lips moving, I wouldn't have registered it. _

_Smiling softly at him, placing my hand on his stomach soothingly, "Hi," I said back, nearly inaudibly myself. _

_Derek kept his eyes shut and I glanced over to the window noticing the blinds were open and the mid-morning sun was streaming through. I rubbed his stomach for a second, before getting off of the bed slowly, one hand on my lower back as it twinged a bit, and made my way over to the window. I shut the blinds and pulled the dark-out curtains shut._

_The room was nearly pitch black now and I heard Derek release a contented sigh, "Thanks," he rasped. _

"_Mmhmm," I hummed back softly, moving back over to him. _

_I snatched the pills from the nightstand as I sat down next to him and placed them in his hand before reaching for his water. He moaned again as he pulled himself up only enough to put the pills in his mouth and take a sip before slipping back down. _

_Settling the cup of water next to his bed for later, I ran my fingers over his scalp once more before turning, ready to get up, "Wait," he whispered roughly, "Don't leave," he said, grabbing my hand, "Lay with me… please," he winced, moving the covers aside. _

"_Ok," I spoke softly, smiling at him just a bit. _

_He was lying nearly in the middle of the bed, so when I got under the covers next to him, I was barely at the edge. Knowing I would be uncomfortable laying on my back, I settled into a half lying down - half sitting position. Derek moved onto his side, a position I knew would make his leg ache later, but decided to let slide. He shifted closer, laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arm around the base of my growing stomach. I couldn't help but smile as his furnace-like body melted into mine._

_My arm was resting between his shoulder blades as I let my fingers flow throw his smooth hair, lightly touching his scalp. He moaned again, "Is this ok?" I whispered._

"_Mmmhmm," he hummed and I could feel the small smile that had formed on his face, "Feels good," he rasped. _

_We sat like that for hours that day, Derek wrapped around me, rubbing the base of my stomach in slow, rhythmic circles, smiling when he felt the baby shift around under his fingertips. It felt good, really good. After having him gone for so long and being more distant before then, to be able to finally take care of him was more than good._

_It was after that day in bed together that he started sleeping in our room again. The big bed he had stubbornly fought to have in our room no longer felt so empty after that._

* * *

"What're you smirking about?" I asked with an amused look on my face as I limped out of the bathroom in my pajamas. My back had begun to hurt by the time we had gotten in from the car and I could already tell I would be in a lot of pain tomorrow

"Nothing," she said delicately, smiling at me and biting her lip, letting her book rest on her stomach.

I chuckled, shaking my head as I carefully crawled into bed next to her, "Was it dirty?" I whispered with a smirk, wiggling my eyebrows.

She shook her head with a laugh, "No," she defended, using her book to smack me in the chest as I lounged on my back, my arm bent behind my chest and my other hand resting on my stomach, alleviating the pain a bit.

"Oomph," I grunted as the hardcover book collided with my chest before trying to scowl at her, but it morphed into a smile.

"What?" she asked me with a slight giggle that made my heart soar as I continued to stare at her. She really was beautiful.

"Nothing," I shrugged before pulling myself into a sitting position next to her with a slight wince and brushing my hand across her bangs, "You're pretty," I said with a goofy smile, leaning in to kiss her lips. Then her cheek. Then her neck.

"Stop it," she told me, giggling and rolling her eyes as she pushed my face away with her hand on my cheek causing me to laugh in reply, "You're ridiculous," she said.

"I am not," I argued, moving her heavy book to the nightstand before letting my hand rest on her round stomach, "I just told you I think you're pretty," I said defensively, moving my hand around as I felt the baby move underneath it.

"How?" she asked, snorting a laugh, "I'm huge," she continued, gesturing to herself.

"You're not huge," I said, giving her the smile as I nudged her to wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer, turning my head away from her slightly so she wouldn't see me wince at the stretch in my back before we settled and I kissed the side of her head, "You're eight months pregnant."

"Oh wow I had no idea," she said sassily, rolling her eyes at me again.

"Don't be a smart-ass," I chuckled, "You'll rub off on the baby. She can hear you," I whispered into her ear with a laugh, still caressing her stomach.

"I hate you," she told me sternly, "Did you hear that?" she said, glancing down at her stomach, "I hate your Daddy, he's annoying," she said, rubbing her side and wincing at the baby jabbed her in reply.

"You deserved that one," I chuckled, this time I was the one rolling my eyes for a change, "Mommy doesn't hate me," I said, smoothing her pajamas over her stomach, "Wanna talk about someone you do hate? Wanna talk about Addison?" I asked, looking down at her seriously. I knew we couldn't put it off any longer. I had taken Mom's advice and let her have her space earlier, but it was time. We had to talk about the elephant in the room.

"I do not hate Addison," she said defensively and rather unconvincingly, "She's tall and leggy and she has perfect hair and that's frustrating but I don't hate her," Meredith admitted, taking a deep breath.

"Meredith," I sighed sadly, "You have nothing to worry about," I said, leaning my head against hers intimately.

"When you woke up after the accident," she started and I could tell her eyes began to burn with tears, "You were searching the room, looking for someone, you asked who I was and then you kept looking. You were looking for her," she said, leaning her head back a bit to look me in the eye.

"Meredith," I whispered, my heart clenching as I squeezed her close again, "I,"

"I'm not mad," she said, her voice becoming a bit raspy as she shook her head, "As far as you knew she was the only wife you'd ever had," she whispered sadly, "But that doesn't mean it's not hard. It's really freaking hard, Derek," she sighed as a tear made its way onto her cheek, "because the wife that you remember is the leggy, supermodel wife with perfect hair and the one that you have now is short and fat and has split ends."

I sighed and my face fell as I wiped the tear from her cheek gently, keeping my hand there and brushing my thumb over it, "Meredith, that isn't true and besides, I don't care about any of that," I said honestly, "I don't care about it because I don't love Addison, I love you," I told her with a tender smile.

Tears began to fall from her eyes, "You do?" she croaked.

"Of course I do," I said, almost offended as my brows knit together tightly. I moved my hand from her cheek and rubbed her arm slowly and methodically.

"You barely even remember me," Meredith demanded sadly. She was right, but at the same time, she was so wrong. Sure, there was a lot that I didn't remember about our life together. Even so, I felt like I had known her for years and like I wanted to continue to get to know her for a lifetime.

"I know that I don't remember everything, but I'm remembering more and more every day and I have spent the last few months of my life with you nearly every day. That's enough," I said with a smile, hoping it was the one that made my eyes sparkle, "That's more than enough to know that there is more than enough to love about you."

Her breath hitched as she wiped tears from her face, leaning against my arm as I continued to let my cheek rest against the side of her head and moved my hand down to stroke her stomach.

"The first memory I have of you after the accident is chewing out the doctor's because you didn't think they were good enough, Addison never would have done that," I began in a whisper, "And your giggle; the first time I heard it I froze and that was when I remembered the first time we met," I continued with a goofy smile, "You're an amazing mom. Seeing you with our kids is enough to love you in itself. You're feisty and stubborn and you stick up for the people you care about. You take care of people; you took Amy in and cared for me even when I was a pain in the ass. There is so much to love about you, Meredith Grey," I told her confidently, "I am so happy that you're my wife and I can't wait to remember even more reasons to love you."

It was like a damn broke and for the first time that day, instead of holding back tears, she let them out and starting sobbing, melting into my arms like butter as I held her closer and kissed her head, "You… you McDreamied me," she cried, "I'm pregnant, that's not fair," she said sternly, lacing her fingers with mine on top of her stomach and wrapping her other arm around mine.

"I'm sorry," I said half-truthfully with a laugh as she turned her head to look me in the eye. She had really pretty eyes. They were green, sometimes soft, sometimes vibrant, always fierce. Smiling softly, I leaned forward and kissed her cute, pink lips, it was long and slow and deep.

"I love you too," she breathed as our lips separated, playing with the curls at the base of my neck.

"Good," I growled lowly, moving my face to nibble on her neck, right where I knew was most ticklish. Sure enough, not a second later, she was giggling.

_The thing about communicating is that it breaks down barriers. It makes life more clear and less messy. The more you talk things through, the more you know someone, how they think, and where they're coming from. When a relationship breaks down, when you have to start from scratch, communication is the only way to successfully rebuild._

* * *

**There you have it, Chapter 18. Long overdue. You've got two more chapters coming your way to wrap this baby up. **

**I'd like to hand out an immeasurable amount of thanks to those of you who have continuously reviewed urging for this story to be completed, to those of you who have somehow found it buried within this website and reviewed for the first time, and to those of you who have read every chapter but simply haven't reviewed. I appreciate you, all of you. **


End file.
